On my passenger seat was a stack of Say Something cd’s that I had pressed up for The Signature Show. On my lunch break yesterday, I decided to pop one in to see what I thought of it today. If you are an avid reader of this blog or if you have read most to all of the entries over time, then you know that I have had some choice feelings, so to speak, in regards to my first cd. I always said I wasn’t connected to that cd. On this journey of mine, that has been one thing I realized I always needed in order to stay afloat: connection. To whatever it is, be it performing, writing, recording, etc….i am in need of feeling like I am connected to what I am doing, which I think is fair. So feeling a lack thereof towards my first cd made me really push to have this new one a part of my soul. I never wanted to feel that again.
So with that thought, I put the cd in my radio player to see what I really thought about it, now that I was in a moment of solitude that didn’t seem breakable. I felt like I could offer myself constructive criticism. I kind of wanted to know what made me think I wasn’t connected in all ways possible to my own work. I knew my reasoning from before, but this being a new day and new year, I was curious in that instant, what I would think about hearing myself and what I was saying. So I popped it in. And from the instant the music started to play, brownstone in Brooklyn was first, I was taken aback. I kept trying to hold back my cheeseball effect, aka tears, but as the tracks played on, they came closer and closer until the cd reached Say Something, and I was in full pretty crying mode.
Pretty Crying Mode: adj, Definition: to cry with ease; to not make faces but still have an emotional cry, good or bad.
The cd took me somewhere….matter a fact, the cd took me a lot of places in one small frame of time. I am not really that comfy with listening to myself. Actually, I hate listening to myself and I really hate to hear myself around other people. It was one of the biggest hangups I had about recording. Having to listen to myself and not be by myself when doing so. Anyway. Something I realized while listening to Say Something is that I am not only connected to that cd in many ways and forms, but I am PROUD of myself. In a previous blog, its possible that I may have mentioned my stepfather telling me my cd was garbage and I could have it back. I wonder today if that had something to do with how I started to feel about it. That was kinda very hurtful to me, so I can’t help but think subconsciously he may have planted a small seed in my head that lead me to other thoughts, of which appeared to come from my own thinking. Idk ….shruglife like rusty r. says…..
But today. As I prepare for the release of my new cd, which I am going to work on tomorrow, I am proud to report that I love my first cd. It was exactly what it was supposed to be. It was done the exact way it should have been done. It has been passed, stolen, circulated, listened to, complimented, disrespected, loved and cherished just to name a few. So what do I have to complain about.
Dear nSAYchable,
You did a wonderful job on SAY Something. Congrats.
Love,
jY
in leiu of this new found appreciation for my old work, I would like to blog my where my head was at when I wrote each piece. The original Say Something featured four tracks. It was rereleased to include an additional three tracks, and has since been at home bootlegged to include ten tracks…..this particular bootleg version I was listening to had ten tracks, two of which were teasers from LDE. So my next blog will feature the tracklisting of what is on the cd I was listening to and a track by track breakdown. Maybe you’re interested, maybe you are not, but I need something tangible to re-read on those down days where I think all I do sucks!!
Because the longer I continue, the more I realize, all I do is accomplished, beautiful and uniquely me!
I cannot ask for or to be anything else. And since I’m so comfy with just being me, I think that deserves a toast!
See you at Can I Kick It!
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