..... think i'm done hosting.
Gain – A name for myself. Ms Januarie York……is she in demand ??? Not really, but definitely she has made a name for herself. She has become a staple in her own right with writing. She has been invited to her beloved city, NY twice in 3 months…..she has won spots on all star line ups, she has had possibilities of books, shows and more. She has traveled outside of her own comfort zones and she has had her hand in a little bit of everything in hopes that at least one of those things would be so much fun that it awakened the kid inside of her. She had a successful CD Party, a dope show, she has met & welcomed beautiful people to share the greatest moments with her. She has freelancing jobs (TWO), she has a chapbook coming out, she has toggled with making another cd just for fun and has been secretly working on tribute show to black women in Indiana. She is and has been successful. She has shared the stage with some of the people she’s watched on tv, people she has looked up to, people who she gives a damn about. She has gained weight.
But was it the weight of the world ???
Gain – A name for myself. Ms Januarie York……is she in demand ??? Not really, but definitely she has made a name for herself. She has become a staple in her own right with writing. She has been invited to her beloved city, NY twice in 3 months…..she has won spots on all star line ups, she has had possibilities of books, shows and more. She has traveled outside of her own comfort zones and she has had her hand in a little bit of everything in hopes that at least one of those things would be so much fun that it awakened the kid inside of her. She had a successful CD Party, a dope show, she has met & welcomed beautiful people to share the greatest moments with her. She has freelancing jobs (TWO), she has a chapbook coming out, she has toggled with making another cd just for fun and has been secretly working on tribute show to black women in Indiana. She is and has been successful. She has shared the stage with some of the people she’s watched on tv, people she has looked up to, people who she gives a damn about. She has gained weight.
But was it the weight of the world ???
Profit – A profit is a benefit. What has she benefited from the weight of the
world we are told not to become “of”.
Lose – To lose your soul is not to be dead. To lose your soul is to be alive and
lost. It is to feel less of yourself
than you did when you started gaining “the world”. If the devil has the power to bring us
blessings and make us think they were gifts from God, then how does one discern
what is a blessing and what is a trick of the jester? Personally, I don’t know. Everything can’t be a sign from God and
everything can’t be a blessing from Him, but EVERYTHING has a lesson attached
and mostly everything is doused with a bit of Karma. I attempted to put out good into the world
but in the recent weeks, two to be exact, I have found out quite of bit of
failure on my behalf as a business woman, a woman and a friend/person/human. Shit. That’s
a lot of failing. Hence the reason I
call it MASSIVE FAILURE. I admitted to
this mass fail on fb and people “like” it.
Idk if its because ppl like to know that you are failing or if its
because people like it when you take responsibility. I’ve never been a good communicator and
without going into a long “oh my childhood was the pits and is the cause”
violin assisted story, I will just say that I’m too old to just be ok with
that. I have to communicate. My best form of communication is with written
words. I can say everything I need I to
say and want to say in paper form, but in person or just in real life, not out
of fear but out of internal stalling, I cant.
I never have been good at expression. But in this big flaw of mine, I have
surrended a part of myself, hence a loss.
Lack of communication creates gaps and I have created so many gaps. I have felt entitled. I have not felt “owed” but I have put the weight
of being me, ironically, on other people.
I cannot expect, nor should I, other ppl to do as I would or say what I would. Especially when I’m quiet and
nonconfrontational and have lost myself.
Who am I has become the question or better yet, who am I BECOMING and
how do I stop it before I am totally
her? Have I lost myself ? Have I turned
states evidence on myself ? Have I kicked
up dust and enemies and let go of friends when I shouldn’t have ? Lose of self is powerful and its something
that no matter how quick your back to back tweets are and no matter who thanks
you for being publically honest and vunerable, you alone will have to deal
with. There is no one else here that can
“like” these tears enough for me to be ok with them. You ever wanna go running back to someone,
arms wide open and say I don’t give a fuck how you treat me, at least you were
honest with me ???? I tell you, in an
honest moment, I truly truly miss my friend.
I miss having a trusting comraderie, I miss feeling like a sister, like I
belonged and like I have someone to confide in without having to wonder how
much of what I said will leak in the grapevine lines and become NONE of what it
started out being …….Lose of self is a powerful thing.
......
..... think i'm done hosting.
The artist in me is having trouble sitting her ass down and
not turn this new life stump into a one woman show that potentially encourages
others to go with the flow of life and attempt to avoid Profit Gaining for Self
Losing. I think it would be great.
But that is not the lesson of all of this.
What is the lesson ???
The true lesson is looking at myself in the mirror in the
morning and realizing that all of my successes from 2012 to current, and what a
successful year it really truly was and has been, are either one of two things:
From the devil’s workshop OR about to have ZERO meaning if I don’t get my
fucking shit together and correct wtf is wrong with me.
It is a reminder of much self-sabotage I have put in
work for. Its nothing new, this has always been
me. I remember I once paid $120 to get
the license to strip in ATL, $120 to walk past the doorman and get dressed
(house fees/superbowl) and then went on to make a fraction of what everyone
else made that night because I sabotaged myself. The possibility to make thousands was there.
But I stood there after an hour or more of working and decided I wasn’t about
that life right then. And so, I got
dressed and wasted $240. #SelfSabotage.
What have I sabotaged in
2013??? A lot. But there is time
to clean it up. Let the rumor mill
continue, as that is my Karma and I am deserving of it. But the truth can always been found, right here. I feel like i owe out a lot of apologies.....and part of me thinks that is me doing my proverbial overthinking, because most would not think to apologize to me for different shit, but that is not how life works. Apologies are about freeing yourself from the guilt. Acknowledging your mistakes and asking for forgiveness is what God wants from us. So ....i guess now, i will get to apologizing (what a list), talk less, pay more attention, just like the old me used to do.......trust less......expect nothing.....be prepared for anything.....love still....respect in ACTIONS and WORDS. ....and most of all, balance the ratio between GAIN & PROFIT because no good can come from Loss of Soul. Its a true STRUGGLE not to just deactivate EVERYTHING ....facebook, twitter....all accounts, but running solves nothing and i'm not attempting to run anyway.....i just need to reboot. I got totally out of control. Maybe it was that very EGO that i hate so much. Man.....if i have offended or hurt you, in any way, on purpose or not, i sincerely apologize. I mean that from the pit of my heart, from the nucleus of these words, i am sorry. I feel like an asshole. But its not a cry for sympathy....assholes don't need sympathy, they need laxatives. Shutting down, forgetting my obligations and expectations as a result (of obligations) will not do me any great service. It will not help me locate myself. But rebooting.....not starting over, but just rebooting my system....the way i do things and more importantly THE WAY I REACT to things......is what is very fucking important to me finding myself again. I"m not so lost that i don't know who i am. I am just lost enough to know that something is in need of fixing.
My name is januarieYork
And I have gained a lot in & of this world
And in the process
I think I accidentally lost my soul.
And I am here to declare there is no profit in that.
which brings me to my final thoughts......i would go into all the joys that i get from hosting....i would go into the challenges of hosting....i would go into what i think about hosting, but for what...i've already lost myself and apparently people have already drawn a conclusion based on my own actions and self sabotage.....
..... they think i'm done hosting.
well.....
for anyone who thinks otherwise cause i see the grapevine is making wine outta grapes,
I'm not done hosting.
Nor will i be April 30th. ...i don't think....truth is, i don't know what my future really holds, especially where poetry is concerned.....i been knowing for years that i aint about that full time artist life....i. been knowing for years that poetry was one of those safe havens i would have to WORK to protect....and i've learned that i allowed the gate to be open to my safe haven and have in a sense whore'd it out to anyone that would listen.....i have to be more protective about what matters to me and in being protective that means i have to think before i speak, i have to look towards the future, i have to accept other ppl, i have to be more open (which i thought i was good at...perhaps not) and i have to treat it like its our last time together. I am concerned about leaving a good legacy. I dont have kids...i cant have them. I likely will never be married and the fear of it being JUST ME on this earth is strong in my life, but whatever it is i leave behind me, i want it to tell the story of strong, successful woman who managed PRofitGainLoss successfully. But i'm just me at the same time....and growing up is an easy want, but a harder execution....so yeah, um....
i most definitely have thought hard about it quitting hosting. But that is the story of my life, thats the shit i do. There is NOTHING in my life that i have done and not thought about quitting. Not ANYTHING. I'm the same one who took three years to release a poetry CD for this very reason...(i quit...no i dont...yes i do....)
The mistake was thinking out loud. So allow me to specifically apologize to my ladies who brought me on to their vision, Neena Taree & Kia Wells, because they don't deserve that. I think we've worked very well together over this last almost year but no one wants to put that in other ppl's ears....They don't deserve for ppl who are eager to say women cant work together or just set something into motion to make them second guess their decision....not that, that is even happening...and again, the blame lies within me....i totally blame myself for being too needy for an ear. ..knowing i know better.....because All Pussy, No Period muthafuckas will turn your bible against you if you hand it to them and walk off. Smh.
So for all that i say, "they think i'm done hosting.....
and in the midst of relocating the ME that is somewhere between the high hills and the need for love, let me set this in stone real quick....
..... they think i'm done hosting.
But oh how i am not.
i'm riding this lesson, this full blown life/success lesson all the way out until the wheels disintegrate. Thanks for the push tho!!! No matter what, it aint suicide if you can fly....and it aint murder if i needed the push!
Run tell that.
***kicks over soapbox and retreats to find soul***
which brings me to my final thoughts......i would go into all the joys that i get from hosting....i would go into the challenges of hosting....i would go into what i think about hosting, but for what...i've already lost myself and apparently people have already drawn a conclusion based on my own actions and self sabotage.....
..... they think i'm done hosting.
well.....
for anyone who thinks otherwise cause i see the grapevine is making wine outta grapes,
I'm not done hosting.
Nor will i be April 30th. ...i don't think....truth is, i don't know what my future really holds, especially where poetry is concerned.....i been knowing for years that i aint about that full time artist life....i. been knowing for years that poetry was one of those safe havens i would have to WORK to protect....and i've learned that i allowed the gate to be open to my safe haven and have in a sense whore'd it out to anyone that would listen.....i have to be more protective about what matters to me and in being protective that means i have to think before i speak, i have to look towards the future, i have to accept other ppl, i have to be more open (which i thought i was good at...perhaps not) and i have to treat it like its our last time together. I am concerned about leaving a good legacy. I dont have kids...i cant have them. I likely will never be married and the fear of it being JUST ME on this earth is strong in my life, but whatever it is i leave behind me, i want it to tell the story of strong, successful woman who managed PRofitGainLoss successfully. But i'm just me at the same time....and growing up is an easy want, but a harder execution....so yeah, um....
i most definitely have thought hard about it quitting hosting. But that is the story of my life, thats the shit i do. There is NOTHING in my life that i have done and not thought about quitting. Not ANYTHING. I'm the same one who took three years to release a poetry CD for this very reason...(i quit...no i dont...yes i do....)
The mistake was thinking out loud. So allow me to specifically apologize to my ladies who brought me on to their vision, Neena Taree & Kia Wells, because they don't deserve that. I think we've worked very well together over this last almost year but no one wants to put that in other ppl's ears....They don't deserve for ppl who are eager to say women cant work together or just set something into motion to make them second guess their decision....not that, that is even happening...and again, the blame lies within me....i totally blame myself for being too needy for an ear. ..knowing i know better.....because All Pussy, No Period muthafuckas will turn your bible against you if you hand it to them and walk off. Smh.
So for all that i say, "they think i'm done hosting.....
and in the midst of relocating the ME that is somewhere between the high hills and the need for love, let me set this in stone real quick....
..... they think i'm done hosting.
But oh how i am not.
i'm riding this lesson, this full blown life/success lesson all the way out until the wheels disintegrate. Thanks for the push tho!!! No matter what, it aint suicide if you can fly....and it aint murder if i needed the push!
Run tell that.
***kicks over soapbox and retreats to find soul***
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