My oh my
how the table has changed
chairs once thought to be permanently occupied have made a bee line to not only being kicked away, but tossed out with the rest of Wednesday’s garbage….
oh what tangled webs we weave……………..
my mom recently told me “all my friends leave me”……now, I am not quite sure what she meant by saying this, but I know how I interpreted….and in addition to that, I know for a fact, better than anyone, how many quote/unquote “friends”, have come and gone….
…as well as who’s decision it has been…..
in my life, people have consistently come and gone….I’ve always searched for something…..something in someone and I’ve never really been sure, until this year, what it was I was searching for inside of people…..but it was something that I was missing….and needing….and yearning….deeply…..so inherently that I couldn’t even see that the desire was as strong as it really was……
it turned out to be as simple as “love”….
I’ve been looking for love….and not in any pre-determined fashion….not in a certain type of relationship; just love….just unadulterated and pure love….respectful love….and in search of it, I have gone thru quite a few relationships, some failures and lessons learned, some regretful and some beautiful…..all have become the genetics that make up the woman that I am on this day….
33 years ago today, I was a fetus preparing for the final descent and the last days inside of my mother’s womb. …..10 years ago today, I had a tiny fetus growing within my boundaries and had recently ditched the father…..I was also a stripper, at the time at Pure Passion……today, as I type this blog and try to get ready for Christmas dinner with my mom, who up until last night, I had not verbally spoke with since the day before Thanksgiving, I am a successful writer, performing poet and host……I almost put ‘mildy’ in front of successful, but this year, I have learned that I no longer have to “define” what my successes are to people….
I know longer have to downplay, what to me, is a great accomplishment….I own my own vision board and how dare I operate off of anyone else’s ……but I digress….
today…..even though I live with the plethora of bad decisions, false loves, failed friendships and broken love patterns of yesterdays, I stand before this laptop unapologetically proud of who I am and how far I have come…..
but do people leave me ??? I don’t really think so….I think I get tired of accepting love, in teaspoon form, from the any bodies of the world that are willing to give me an eighth in return for a whole….I have accepted strange love….wrong love….abusive love….partial love…..fake and faux love….
and this year……I got tired of it …..
I grew up on shaky love grounds…..friendships formed didn’t last because of things I was doing and not being held accountable for….I had to literally grow myself into who I am today….which is why I do not stand before anyone, better than thou, because I know all I have been…..I know all I have done and the things I’ve had a hand in……and again, I know I am a success story…..
but I also know I have waited and baited love….taken what ever I could get in the name of saying I had a slice of the love pie……I have had two girlfriends…..and my sexuality has never required defining…..I love men……having experienced the trials of girlfriends, I’ve always known that was something I could not deal with…period. …..but men…..men and I, are a lot like Love…..I look to them to give me that love…..well I used to….. * shrug * I learned the hard way a thousand times…my girlfriends, were my friends…..they were two women that I genuinely “loved” in the natural sense…..I really believed in US, but not the gf/gf us…just the friendship……one of the ladies really hurt me …..in a friendship way……
and we were never the same……I think I hurt the other girl….in a girlfriend way….and our friendship was never the same…..it was nothing high profile…it was my personal business….but I share this with you because this year, it seems as though my sexuality has become a platform for private discussions…..I tell you, you’re nobody till somebody kills you, but while you alive, you’re all they want to talk about….lol…. but back to love….
…I had an affair when I was 20/21….a long affair….nothing like TV…..I never reaped a benefit bigger than his dick, but I think somewhere in that selfish relationship we were pretending to be in, we both had real feelings for each other…I believe we “believed” we were in love….but what did that lead to ??? Nothing but a shitload of Karma Pie Eating on my part…..my love life was fucked up for the remainder of my twenties after that…..
anyway…..friendship is something that I have longed for almost as much as love…I didn’t necessary want to be either of the women’s girlfriends….but I did want their friendship….for no real reason other than it as sorta being offered…..I don’t know why (or maybe I do) my life long chase has been love, friendship and boys but that is the story of my life…..I have probably been to easy to befriend people and open up my home and/or my life to them….and in this chase, I have loved and let go of a lot of all the above….except the love…
I became a faux-stepmom for a few years of my life….to a little girl that needed SOMEBODY….I came across pictures of us….pictures of an event at the Walker held due in part to her honor…..I thought about her….I still miss her and love her so much that I had to completely close off the part of me that exists to love her….her name is Jasmine….and she just turned 17……his name was Randy….and he was the love I never saw coming that gave me a helluva ride thru hell and back….and still, as he sits in prison for the rest of his life for charges unrelated to me (thank God), I still accept his calls….when he calls.
the love never leaves….
I have experienced the breakdown of friendships….the heartbreak of relationships gone awry…..the suffering of Love not being what I wanted and/or needed it to be…..and today….I stand before this laptop, a success story…
still….after a lifetime of fast time and accidental clinging, I finally perfected the art of letting go…..not to a T, but …..much better than before…..I let go this year…. a lot….mostly because I am exhausted….I’m tired of questioning whether or not I have the right to feel fucked up when folks do fucked up shit…..whenever I do something, I’m called out on it….as being fucked up…..but when I’m the observer and reaper, I usually remain mum…..I’ve learned this year to count people out when they are out….its ok…..it doesn’t matter if you are related to them or not….or how many years you’ve known each other…or what your history is….letting go is apart of growing up, healing and many other healthy emotions…..so I loosened my grip….
I kicked chairs away…..
I walked away…..I stopped accepting what I didn’t want in the name of Love….both mentally and physically….emotionally….
from some of it, came better results but from most came nothing……sometimes it the “nothing” that hurts the most….but this year….I am a success story….
because whatever the most is, I am ready for…..having a “nothing” response, used to lead me back just to erase that ill-feeling of “so I don’t even matter”…..but today, I know I do matter…..just enough for myself…
I have allowed too much, I have been blamed too much, I have been quiet more than I wanted to….I have not followed my instincts or done what I wanted to do in the name of being a good person….or in the name of Love….or somehow “respect” …but today, as I sit in my house which is in the center of my life’s personal fuckin Matrix War Zone, I realize that I am being challenged to grow….to confront the whatevers of life….to be constantly reminded that no matter what happens, or where life places you, you have to live with and within the results of your actions….you have to live with your choices and decisions…..
your chess moves are yours to deal with….today I will see and talk to my mom for the first time in over 30 days….I will be inside of her house for the first time since ….idk spring ? I am REALLY uncomfortable in there, but that’s another story….I live next door to her…
ten years ago today…..I was a pregnant, sick and angry young woman with a broken heart…..I was battling love….I was living with unconditional and had just removed the conditions…..when I kicked him out, he tried everything to get back in….
ten years later, I live across the street from him, his wife and their broad…… the latter was probably childish to say as such 0_o …I have been caught up in car ménage trois with them that have left me virtually shaking in confusion….what I am I feeling and why ??? Its not about wanting him….its not that…its something else…..its …..anger.
I still have a lot of “something” there…..and I need to dump it before years end….maybe all this filler flower dumping has been leading up to me letting the last of this go…..but that’s another story, another book….
I am success……
and I don’t need or really want anyone else to validate that for me…..I validate my own successful tickets….I know what I overcome, what I beat out, what odds I make it against….I know what I’m trying to do and how that’s working for me so far….I know who I am….who I want to be and who I am dying to become….my soul and spirit are very rich…..plentiful….I have memories that can’t be changed….good times that I still roll on and laughter that lives within my home that given the right moment, I remember how dope it was….
the table has changed…..but it always does…not everyone is meant to stay in your life forever….we meet people, we love people and people move on….
people have moved on…..lives have been touched for the time they were supposed to kindle together…..we have shared tea, traded war stories and got the best of inside jokes…..I will always remember us during moments where no one else would get it……we’ve moved on…..
no mom, my friends don’t “leave me”. ….
I think we just don’t stop growing….and sometimes, it leads us in different directions…..
may the rumors continue, the stories get bigger and the back stabbing stop hurting…..for that is the way of the world…
.but for those who I am no longer in direct contact with, may this blog reach the layers of your heart that share the same sentiments….both family and friends…..we have shared great times…..
and I will never forget them….cheers to having met….cheers to the times we shared tables…..
and cheers to 2012….for we all know it was time for me to stop allowing love to trample all over me just because I want it so……so I did……
I am successful at that, if nothing else in the world.
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