i think something just hit me....and ....it is...that i am about to compete in the Individual World Poetry Slam....which means, i will be going against people who slam as a lifestyle....people who will probably take my poems and devour them word by word with one single line.....coming up with a one minute poem has been the most challenging thing ever...i need to be done writing by months end....i need to spend all of november getting prepared for it....the slam is the second week of december i think.....
yeah....
the time is upon me....
and i am just realizing how nervous i am ....like my heart just started racing and shit....
i have started getting emails from Slam people discussing rooms and fees and stuff....yeah...this shit is real....i cant even pull out ...that would be so cowardish...i never actually planned on competing...i just wanted to win the slam here....just because......well....lol...
i have my reasons why.....but i'll leave them where they lie
....still...i planned on just sorta "forfeiting" the prize to the next person...i just really wanted the win...it meant somthing to me that day...i dont know how much this IWS means to me....its not my field....this is so out of my character...it would be so crazy if i won....i dont know how likely that is to happen, but i dont want to speak no real negativity into existence.....hmmm...what IF i won....LOL
cue big grin....
yup....so i'm sitting here today...its like, going on three oclock in the afternoon...i missed my drivers test because i dont have any working turn signals, which means i STILL gotta watch out for the popo's....dammit!!! so i'm laying low...chilling....havent blogged in so long....i think this is my first blog on my new laptop, which i've had for about a month now : ) ....we truly adore each other......anyway....
i'm trying to keep it short and simple.....
im nervous...im also trying to spark the creativity inside of me...im trying to write a one minute poem....i have a blank word document up, and im staring at it....listening to my coltrane/nina simone pandora station....all this old timey music helps sometimes....i type to fast...so it makes me have more typos....of which i dont always remember to go back and fix....its not cause i cant spell....its cause i type to fast....i need a topic that i could powerfully discuss in one minute...
i need something that will pop out to me
something that i can draw verbally
i need something that will allow me to not concentrate on any of that, of which i just mentioned....
i need a muse.
for a quickie.
10.06.2010
9.08.2010
The 10AM Epiphany
so i was thinking maybe i should start naming my epiphanies when i have them.....cause i have so many so often.....
its been awhile since i last blogged and i think the last one was bullshit cause i just happened to be around a computer for a sec, but i'm back.....maybe i'll put some of these wacky ass videos i have of myself on here .....for those of you who still visit this spot.....i guess you wouldnt though since i stopped blogging on a regular......well i'm back now.....
and to punish you for giving up on me, if you have, im not even gonna FB this blog....hahahahahha......that'll teach ya!!
Ok....i quit.....back to my epiphany......
so a friend asked me if i would be interested in going to culinary school together since we both like to cook....i told her sure because i've always wanted to go to culinary school......i've been putting it off though because i still am about one year away from a bachelor's degree in Criminal Justice...
something i messed up, messed around and ending up owing my school, therefore terminating my right to go back for the last two years, but i'm trying to get that cured up.....
i've been adament about finishing that degree....the shit is easy, i just got into the core classes and i was enjoying it for what it was worth.....i let poetry get in the way......matter a fact, the last day i didnt go to class when i was supposed to, i attended a slam....
which i ultimately won, but who's judging me ???
lol
so i been thinking about school since she asked me......we are actually going to tour a couple (what the hey) today at noon......i was filling out an open house form for the Arts Institute when the 10am Epiphany happened.......
the page said "Arts".....everywhere.....culinary to my right, graphic design, fashion and all that other stuff to the left.....it was almost hard to remember i was already spoken for.....i really have always wanted to do culinary arts....matter a fact, the only reason i didnt pursue that particular degree was because NO school in Indy offered it when i started school and this was just 2007...maybe six.......so i went to Indiana Tech.....a business school....i've always been interested in Criminal Justice as well....forensics, crime scenes, stuff like that.......so i tried it, and it was working......but it was never really heartfelt.....there was always something missing......then The Arts Institute, which was two pyramids from my school, always taunted me with their big ass A shining off the side of the building......they put in the Culinary school shortly after my first semester.....i was hurt.......
FF to today.......im on this website......i'm not even gonna say how many times i've ventured to it, or to their booth somewhere at say, Penrod or some other events with vendors and shit.......but today it hit me....arts.....it stood out....it touched me.....and i realized that i've put in wonderful work for my criminal justice degree....but on more than five occassions (can't remember which letter is doubled, so i did em both) i've spoken that the odds were slim that i'd ever use it.....im so into the arts that, in the event writing doesnt work, i doubt that i'll ever be able to not have my hand in the this community some kind of way......
so why not jump the broom.....why not chance that i made a mistake, while a not so bad one, a mistake nonetheless......and the way to correct it is to go in the direction of the things i love.....graphic arts...big on my list.......fashion.....culinary....tops my list......why not say ok, i'm gonna do this....im gonna walk away from that, and pursue something to my heart.....while it is ideal that i finish what i started, which is something i've been known for not doing.....
at the expense of losing lots of credits and i have plenty, but i still have over a year left.....esp with the new classes they've since added.....should i spend the year and a half fnishing that, just because i started it already, or spend the next year and a half, starting something new, close to my heart with true dedication and purpose.....?
i have the answer....
hope you have yours .
its been awhile since i last blogged and i think the last one was bullshit cause i just happened to be around a computer for a sec, but i'm back.....maybe i'll put some of these wacky ass videos i have of myself on here .....for those of you who still visit this spot.....i guess you wouldnt though since i stopped blogging on a regular......well i'm back now.....
and to punish you for giving up on me, if you have, im not even gonna FB this blog....hahahahahha......that'll teach ya!!
Ok....i quit.....back to my epiphany......
so a friend asked me if i would be interested in going to culinary school together since we both like to cook....i told her sure because i've always wanted to go to culinary school......i've been putting it off though because i still am about one year away from a bachelor's degree in Criminal Justice...
something i messed up, messed around and ending up owing my school, therefore terminating my right to go back for the last two years, but i'm trying to get that cured up.....
i've been adament about finishing that degree....the shit is easy, i just got into the core classes and i was enjoying it for what it was worth.....i let poetry get in the way......matter a fact, the last day i didnt go to class when i was supposed to, i attended a slam....
which i ultimately won, but who's judging me ???
lol
so i been thinking about school since she asked me......we are actually going to tour a couple (what the hey) today at noon......i was filling out an open house form for the Arts Institute when the 10am Epiphany happened.......
the page said "Arts".....everywhere.....culinary to my right, graphic design, fashion and all that other stuff to the left.....it was almost hard to remember i was already spoken for.....i really have always wanted to do culinary arts....matter a fact, the only reason i didnt pursue that particular degree was because NO school in Indy offered it when i started school and this was just 2007...maybe six.......so i went to Indiana Tech.....a business school....i've always been interested in Criminal Justice as well....forensics, crime scenes, stuff like that.......so i tried it, and it was working......but it was never really heartfelt.....there was always something missing......then The Arts Institute, which was two pyramids from my school, always taunted me with their big ass A shining off the side of the building......they put in the Culinary school shortly after my first semester.....i was hurt.......
FF to today.......im on this website......i'm not even gonna say how many times i've ventured to it, or to their booth somewhere at say, Penrod or some other events with vendors and shit.......but today it hit me....arts.....it stood out....it touched me.....and i realized that i've put in wonderful work for my criminal justice degree....but on more than five occassions (can't remember which letter is doubled, so i did em both) i've spoken that the odds were slim that i'd ever use it.....im so into the arts that, in the event writing doesnt work, i doubt that i'll ever be able to not have my hand in the this community some kind of way......
so why not jump the broom.....why not chance that i made a mistake, while a not so bad one, a mistake nonetheless......and the way to correct it is to go in the direction of the things i love.....graphic arts...big on my list.......fashion.....culinary....tops my list......why not say ok, i'm gonna do this....im gonna walk away from that, and pursue something to my heart.....while it is ideal that i finish what i started, which is something i've been known for not doing.....
at the expense of losing lots of credits and i have plenty, but i still have over a year left.....esp with the new classes they've since added.....should i spend the year and a half fnishing that, just because i started it already, or spend the next year and a half, starting something new, close to my heart with true dedication and purpose.....?
i have the answer....
hope you have yours .
6.01.2010
dear n/a
I'm Bored.
simply put
with all of this....with this never ending struggle of who i am and what i'm doing.....i wish for a moment, one could really see inside of the hurt i feel for different things, just to get a better understanding of who i am and why i say and do the things i do and say....
but....
its whatever
i'm bored
simply put
i thought you were different.....
found out you werent
and now
i never want to hear your poetry again.
sincerely
ken
simply put
with all of this....with this never ending struggle of who i am and what i'm doing.....i wish for a moment, one could really see inside of the hurt i feel for different things, just to get a better understanding of who i am and why i say and do the things i do and say....
but....
its whatever
i'm bored
simply put
i thought you were different.....
found out you werent
and now
i never want to hear your poetry again.
sincerely
ken
5.27.2010
Fuck It, Feel It Day
the energy in the air tastes like fungus
green
sticky
mucous.....
sound nasty?
feels nasty too.....
the aroma coats my throat with algae, this -
is for the birds
not
for the poets
this is for the war
not
for the poets, THIS
is for the hattfields
not for the
POETS
i refuse to go battleship with this shit
if maya didnt have to do it
why the hell should i
if Giovanni's words were able to reach
touch
smell the sky,
why can't mine
it doesnt have to be this way.....i dont have to have this bile ass taste being swallowed
i dont have to feel swallowed into the belly of the beast when i come in peace
all this iraq blood shed on my hometown sheets of paper
we crip walk across pages,
declaring war on terror
yet
terrorizing ourselves
and
each other
smothering venues with ego love hate baseball games
catchers mits catching shit instead of words
bacteria instead of knowledge
snares in place of memorized stares
he can't respect my words
cause he dont like me
he cant feel my poem
cause i REFUSE to ride on his team
this aint for me
i'm a poet
and this
aint for the poets
this is more for the rappers
let them peel the caps and hoe each other out across 48 gold-dipped bars
but this war
it aint for the poets
this beef
aint for the streets
contrary to some belief, this is NOT a fight and a streetwar on weed
THIS
is a movement
words are water and can easily fall into line with your ears,
sink into your skin pores and value you
appreciate you
THIS is liquid in letter form
this is a cactus morphed into a rose that grew from the brick wall
thats what this is
in my heart
so keep your fungai
your fuzz of mold
keep your lost cause, keep your broken eyebrows that point down when i touch the stage with my poems
keep your raw beef
cook it....consuming undercooked foods can kill you.
freewrite #100...idk...im just guessing.....i was driven to write this from a invite i have....keep it to yourself ken....keep it to yourself...lol...this is how i keep my feelings to myself....some ppl need to be checked for real yaw...if you are reading this....all this poetry BEEF...HAHAHAHA....i got real beef with ppl....real pain, real "you did me dirty" and its not cool, but if i have been able to overcome the shit i have over came in the past year alone where poetry is concerned, then all this lolligagging and wanna be westside-whoobanging-poetry-beef that is going on needs to cease....cause it does absolutely NOTHING to help the community...i'm not calling for unity....i'm keeping it real....there are some people in the community right now, that i will NEVER speak to, that i honestly wouldnt piss on to relieve their desert thirst...i mean that....but thats my own ish right there...but there is a common ground that we can all be on....and i often see at least one person that i would love to just push over the edge of the cliff, but i dont sit and scowl at him all night or go tell all the ppl that talk to him, why they shouldnt trust him....i dont have to acknowledge him...i would never partner with im for shit!!! But....
there is a common ground we share, and thats poetry and its stupid to sit around and waste my time talking about what went wrong LAST YEAR .....when i need to be focused on dropping my cd, writing my books, cleaning my house, walking my dogs, changing the world, i mean damn ya'll....
has it seriously come to this.....i'll say it...i'll take this hit for the team....we got two open mics on the same night, same time.....i dont know what thats about, and im not trying to speculate, but i'm going to say this....
stuff like that opens the door for beef, if it doesnt already exist....THAT would not be helping an already sticky situation...that would be the audience suffering......and i usually stand in the middle ...i understand both sides of the equation 90% of the time....here lately....i've just been going thru the wringer with poetry.....trying to become one with it again....i havent lost my love for it....but....i'll say it like this: I have spoken with ALOT of ppl, random ppl that feel this cloth of negativity over the poetry scene when they are out....and this isnt me prompting a conversation, this is just what it is and we can keep pretending and ignoring it and doing other stuff to perpetuate it and turn the other check, but
ITS THE AUDIENCE SUFFERING....they dont want to see or hear that shit...in all honesty
its in the air thick....that would be the audience suffering ..
there is a lot of stuff that could be avoided, because in the end, the poets who are silently and subconsciously beefing with each dont suffer.....THE AUDIENCE DOES! so why dont we make this our personal pep talk....everybody: talk about me if you want, talk about the things i've said, the conduct i've had....but make sure you run tell him what brought it on.....or just, as jill scott would say, stay silent!!
try to tarnish me to my ppl if you want....they will always be my ppl, cause they know me.....i've been dogged out....i've been run right over and completely disrespected...but i've always been honest.but i still respect POETRY....still love it.... TELL YOURSELVES that!!! now if you dont fit that bill, dont tell yourself that...dont even worry about...perhaps you should try rap....
and keep it moving to doing something more positive instead of trying to blow egos up with stage side bombs.....
btw
i really feel like naming a few names, but i would never do that cause i'm not petty like that...i'm just fucking it and feeling it, whatever it is, however it is coming to day.....i'm very disappointed in some poets....very.....and its not even about being personal...its about respecting the arts the way i thought we all respected it....please lets dont let poetry turn into hip hop vs rap....
green
sticky
mucous.....
sound nasty?
feels nasty too.....
the aroma coats my throat with algae, this -
is for the birds
not
for the poets
this is for the war
not
for the poets, THIS
is for the hattfields
not for the
POETS
i refuse to go battleship with this shit
if maya didnt have to do it
why the hell should i
if Giovanni's words were able to reach
touch
smell the sky,
why can't mine
it doesnt have to be this way.....i dont have to have this bile ass taste being swallowed
i dont have to feel swallowed into the belly of the beast when i come in peace
all this iraq blood shed on my hometown sheets of paper
we crip walk across pages,
declaring war on terror
yet
terrorizing ourselves
and
each other
smothering venues with ego love hate baseball games
catchers mits catching shit instead of words
bacteria instead of knowledge
snares in place of memorized stares
he can't respect my words
cause he dont like me
he cant feel my poem
cause i REFUSE to ride on his team
this aint for me
i'm a poet
and this
aint for the poets
this is more for the rappers
let them peel the caps and hoe each other out across 48 gold-dipped bars
but this war
it aint for the poets
this beef
aint for the streets
contrary to some belief, this is NOT a fight and a streetwar on weed
THIS
is a movement
words are water and can easily fall into line with your ears,
sink into your skin pores and value you
appreciate you
THIS is liquid in letter form
this is a cactus morphed into a rose that grew from the brick wall
thats what this is
in my heart
so keep your fungai
your fuzz of mold
keep your lost cause, keep your broken eyebrows that point down when i touch the stage with my poems
keep your raw beef
cook it....consuming undercooked foods can kill you.
freewrite #100...idk...im just guessing.....i was driven to write this from a invite i have....keep it to yourself ken....keep it to yourself...lol...this is how i keep my feelings to myself....some ppl need to be checked for real yaw...if you are reading this....all this poetry BEEF...HAHAHAHA....i got real beef with ppl....real pain, real "you did me dirty" and its not cool, but if i have been able to overcome the shit i have over came in the past year alone where poetry is concerned, then all this lolligagging and wanna be westside-whoobanging-poetry-beef that is going on needs to cease....cause it does absolutely NOTHING to help the community...i'm not calling for unity....i'm keeping it real....there are some people in the community right now, that i will NEVER speak to, that i honestly wouldnt piss on to relieve their desert thirst...i mean that....but thats my own ish right there...but there is a common ground that we can all be on....and i often see at least one person that i would love to just push over the edge of the cliff, but i dont sit and scowl at him all night or go tell all the ppl that talk to him, why they shouldnt trust him....i dont have to acknowledge him...i would never partner with im for shit!!! But....
there is a common ground we share, and thats poetry and its stupid to sit around and waste my time talking about what went wrong LAST YEAR .....when i need to be focused on dropping my cd, writing my books, cleaning my house, walking my dogs, changing the world, i mean damn ya'll....
has it seriously come to this.....i'll say it...i'll take this hit for the team....we got two open mics on the same night, same time.....i dont know what thats about, and im not trying to speculate, but i'm going to say this....
stuff like that opens the door for beef, if it doesnt already exist....THAT would not be helping an already sticky situation...that would be the audience suffering......and i usually stand in the middle ...i understand both sides of the equation 90% of the time....here lately....i've just been going thru the wringer with poetry.....trying to become one with it again....i havent lost my love for it....but....i'll say it like this: I have spoken with ALOT of ppl, random ppl that feel this cloth of negativity over the poetry scene when they are out....and this isnt me prompting a conversation, this is just what it is and we can keep pretending and ignoring it and doing other stuff to perpetuate it and turn the other check, but
ITS THE AUDIENCE SUFFERING....they dont want to see or hear that shit...in all honesty
its in the air thick....that would be the audience suffering ..
there is a lot of stuff that could be avoided, because in the end, the poets who are silently and subconsciously beefing with each dont suffer.....THE AUDIENCE DOES! so why dont we make this our personal pep talk....everybody: talk about me if you want, talk about the things i've said, the conduct i've had....but make sure you run tell him what brought it on.....or just, as jill scott would say, stay silent!!
try to tarnish me to my ppl if you want....they will always be my ppl, cause they know me.....i've been dogged out....i've been run right over and completely disrespected...but i've always been honest.but i still respect POETRY....still love it.... TELL YOURSELVES that!!! now if you dont fit that bill, dont tell yourself that...dont even worry about...perhaps you should try rap....
and keep it moving to doing something more positive instead of trying to blow egos up with stage side bombs.....
btw
i really feel like naming a few names, but i would never do that cause i'm not petty like that...i'm just fucking it and feeling it, whatever it is, however it is coming to day.....i'm very disappointed in some poets....very.....and its not even about being personal...its about respecting the arts the way i thought we all respected it....please lets dont let poetry turn into hip hop vs rap....
4.22.2010
Feelings...an underrated phenomenon
so its been said *by me* that im an emotional poet.....i write from my emotions...i dont talk much about political issues because the truth is...i dont get into much....i catch nuggets and i learn alot thru other ppl's poems, but i wont write about something that is not in my heart to write about or if i dont know what the hell i'm talking about....
so i just do me....my emotions and feelings.....and somehow i've still managed to get on a couple of ppl's favorite list and have also gained some fans in the process.....
i say this because, i FEEL like i live in a society where emotions and feelings get scooted under the rug and dismissed as childish....high school....who gives a damn about being hurt in 2010....sometimes i feel like its only me....and u know what...
thats cool....im tired of being patronized by ppl who tell me they love me, but have no concern for how they make me feel....usually this comes from men, but i have experienced it with a few females....i'm tired of being told, NO nsay...ur not supposed to talk about how you feel...just roll with the punches, because just because you feel that, doesnt mean i understand it, therefore, i dont want to hear it"....and to them i say Eff you....
plain and simple....today...i woke up FEELING good.....
yesterday, i left ball state FEELING ready to get out of Indy...not cause of anything that happened, just FEELING that itch more and more....
right now im FEELING like i dont give a damn about some stuff.....some stuff i do FEEL like i care about....weed makes me FEEL high....writing makes me FEEL amazing....
bullshit makes me FEEL shitty, patronizing makes me FEEL pissed.....sex FEELS good (with the right one) and death makes me FEEL hurt....
i often FEEL bad for how i FEEL and dont tell my inner most thoughts for fear that because it wont always be understood, it wont be respected.....today, i FEEL that at its highest peak....ppl dont give a damn if about your FEELINGS if they can't understand them....they dont FEEL its necessary to be bothered with ur feeelings....
i say all this....because at 31, i know the X & Y axis of my feelings and where they fall on my sleeves.....i dont apologize for FEELING....and honestly, i dont care if someone else doesnt understand it.....
sometimes u have to agree to disagree and move on with your life....which is exactly what im doing....im leaving all the past there...for good....i have officially had it with ass kissing and the ever so boring "pretending"....i dont have to pretend not to have FEELINGS ....i dont have to pretend not to FEEL hurt when i'm hurt, angry when i'm angry or joyful when i am....i have good days, bad ones and hump days that dont fall on wednesdays.....i am human, i am woman, i am an emotional unstable creature.....i love myself....i respect myself and try harder everyday to do a better job of both, than i did the day before....i am one of the easiest ppl to get along with and one of the nicest ppl to meet....of course thats a biased personal opinion, but i have never really had trouble on MY end of friendship....ahhh friendship....still in high school nsay???
thats how i feel like ppl look at me these days cause i have FEELINGS.....do i look i give a shit...damn...u cant see my face right now....well i dont .....i will always feel.....when my dad got released from jail, i FELT happy .....should i apologize...i performed today at a junior high for all boys and got a standing O from some of them....young and male and they stood up for me and my two little poems...i FELT stupendous...not cause of my ego, although it was FEELINGS great....but because i felt like i got thru to them with what i was saying and it showed me that, given the opportunity again, i could get thru even more.....what a wonderful FEELING.....
how easy emotions are counted off and dismissed is amazing and i havent found the poem to describe how i FEEL when those i love make me FEEL like my FEELINGS dont matter....in due time i guess....
but for now....
i offer this....
if i apologize for FEELING
i'm telling you know, i'm not being honest.....
cause im not sorry
dont want forgiveness.....
im in the trenches...
the gutter
im in the sky
flying
im on the plane thats crashing
im in the sea, swimming
i'm the picture, hung up and frozen to the wall.....
i am but a ball of emotions.....
from happy to sad from pissed to amazed, i am what i am
and everything about me is imperfect, just the way i like it....
my theme some is Krazy and tupac keeps me high
cause he feels my pain
they say rappers are supposed to be gangsta's
so they shot him for not holding his end of the bargain too well.....
well....
just like Kennedy....martin and malcom
put an X next to my name and bury me crying
like a injured soldier, life sometimes hurts
and i feel the pain
feel the windgust moving closer to the heaven skies,
i am a soaring bird, dropping her children
catch flight
find life
find love
remember
love is a feeling
so if its not wrong
whats so bad about the rest
forgive me please
for i am but a woman of the day and a sleeper of the night
can't find the pen i write with
or the glass i like to drink with
but i can always find my sleeves
invisible and rolled to my wrists
covering the ash not attacked with lotion
forgive me please
for never wanting to apologize....
and never planning to be sorry
for being in touch
with my emotions.
so i just do me....my emotions and feelings.....and somehow i've still managed to get on a couple of ppl's favorite list and have also gained some fans in the process.....
i say this because, i FEEL like i live in a society where emotions and feelings get scooted under the rug and dismissed as childish....high school....who gives a damn about being hurt in 2010....sometimes i feel like its only me....and u know what...
thats cool....im tired of being patronized by ppl who tell me they love me, but have no concern for how they make me feel....usually this comes from men, but i have experienced it with a few females....i'm tired of being told, NO nsay...ur not supposed to talk about how you feel...just roll with the punches, because just because you feel that, doesnt mean i understand it, therefore, i dont want to hear it"....and to them i say Eff you....
plain and simple....today...i woke up FEELING good.....
yesterday, i left ball state FEELING ready to get out of Indy...not cause of anything that happened, just FEELING that itch more and more....
right now im FEELING like i dont give a damn about some stuff.....some stuff i do FEEL like i care about....weed makes me FEEL high....writing makes me FEEL amazing....
bullshit makes me FEEL shitty, patronizing makes me FEEL pissed.....sex FEELS good (with the right one) and death makes me FEEL hurt....
i often FEEL bad for how i FEEL and dont tell my inner most thoughts for fear that because it wont always be understood, it wont be respected.....today, i FEEL that at its highest peak....ppl dont give a damn if about your FEELINGS if they can't understand them....they dont FEEL its necessary to be bothered with ur feeelings....
i say all this....because at 31, i know the X & Y axis of my feelings and where they fall on my sleeves.....i dont apologize for FEELING....and honestly, i dont care if someone else doesnt understand it.....
sometimes u have to agree to disagree and move on with your life....which is exactly what im doing....im leaving all the past there...for good....i have officially had it with ass kissing and the ever so boring "pretending"....i dont have to pretend not to have FEELINGS ....i dont have to pretend not to FEEL hurt when i'm hurt, angry when i'm angry or joyful when i am....i have good days, bad ones and hump days that dont fall on wednesdays.....i am human, i am woman, i am an emotional unstable creature.....i love myself....i respect myself and try harder everyday to do a better job of both, than i did the day before....i am one of the easiest ppl to get along with and one of the nicest ppl to meet....of course thats a biased personal opinion, but i have never really had trouble on MY end of friendship....ahhh friendship....still in high school nsay???
thats how i feel like ppl look at me these days cause i have FEELINGS.....do i look i give a shit...damn...u cant see my face right now....well i dont .....i will always feel.....when my dad got released from jail, i FELT happy .....should i apologize...i performed today at a junior high for all boys and got a standing O from some of them....young and male and they stood up for me and my two little poems...i FELT stupendous...not cause of my ego, although it was FEELINGS great....but because i felt like i got thru to them with what i was saying and it showed me that, given the opportunity again, i could get thru even more.....what a wonderful FEELING.....
how easy emotions are counted off and dismissed is amazing and i havent found the poem to describe how i FEEL when those i love make me FEEL like my FEELINGS dont matter....in due time i guess....
but for now....
i offer this....
if i apologize for FEELING
i'm telling you know, i'm not being honest.....
cause im not sorry
dont want forgiveness.....
im in the trenches...
the gutter
im in the sky
flying
im on the plane thats crashing
im in the sea, swimming
i'm the picture, hung up and frozen to the wall.....
i am but a ball of emotions.....
from happy to sad from pissed to amazed, i am what i am
and everything about me is imperfect, just the way i like it....
my theme some is Krazy and tupac keeps me high
cause he feels my pain
they say rappers are supposed to be gangsta's
so they shot him for not holding his end of the bargain too well.....
well....
just like Kennedy....martin and malcom
put an X next to my name and bury me crying
like a injured soldier, life sometimes hurts
and i feel the pain
feel the windgust moving closer to the heaven skies,
i am a soaring bird, dropping her children
catch flight
find life
find love
remember
love is a feeling
so if its not wrong
whats so bad about the rest
forgive me please
for i am but a woman of the day and a sleeper of the night
can't find the pen i write with
or the glass i like to drink with
but i can always find my sleeves
invisible and rolled to my wrists
covering the ash not attacked with lotion
forgive me please
for never wanting to apologize....
and never planning to be sorry
for being in touch
with my emotions.
4.18.2010
Gumbo Poet.
i'm halfway done with my cd and i must say i couldnt be more excited, proud and happy of what i have accomplished so far, and what i know is to come when i go back to finish it.....i can't believe that this day is finally setting sail to be here...it seems like such a long awaited event....and maybe i'm the only person that was awaiting this day, but i'm telling you.....what i feel now, can't be compared to anything short of the excitement u feel when you are baking toll house cookies and you got some ice cold fresh milk, and you go to the oven to check on them and they are almost done, but they need about five more minutes....
that feeling...the feeling of wanting to just break off a still semi raw piece and eat it, just to satisfy your thirst, even if only for a hot second....THAT feeling...is what i feel now....and i love it.....
if i had to describe what i think about this cd...how i classify it...or who'd i compare myself to, i'd say no one....its a mix of neosoul, rock and r&b, with a splash of hiphop and 100% me....it embodies who i am....i've been thinking over the last few days, what kind of poet at i....i went and saw Jessica Care Moore at the Historical Society and she was very moving to the crowd and powerful, all while being simply dressed in a black dress, some black heels and a cute spring of feathers from her hair....her bling was beautiful, but still minimal....she wasnt jeweled up with bracelets and gloves.....she wasnt jumping around or getting hype with her poems....she wasnt running out of breath and seemed to time her swallows perfectly.....she was great....at doing her....for a second...a split one....i wondered if i do too much....i wear all that, that she doesnt....and i'm still here....in indy....making the rounds in circle city....i do run out of breath sometimes and occasionally, you'll hear me stop my poem for a spit swallow.....
am i political.....do i talk about war or healthcare....do i discuss enough of politics....do i teach people or bring people to light on anything.....
am i in love all the time....am i angry.....pissed off at men and women....do i hate my father every other poem and love to have sex in the rest....who the hell is nsay.....why dont i use my name and is it possible for my "name" to stop me from getting in certain places....these are all a collection of things i have thought about ....
and for it...my only answer is ....i am me....i discuss me in 95% of my poems....and in the other 5% where i discuss things i havent necessarily experienced, i still incorporate my life in it in some way....do i wear too much jewelry, dress to sexy or go too far with my look....nope. i am rockstar poet and have been since i got here....i always knew it, ya'll didnt....lol....
i dress my way, in my own style...i like a little bit of everything and as i grow older, my style changes and things that used to be the shit to me, arent....i love heels and will wear them until i cannot anymore and i love dresses, jeans, shorts, skirts, short skirts, shirts, tshirts, ...grunge, gruff, rock, hiphop, etc....i am all things style....but my own....i do things the way i want to....
am i political....nope...not really...i have a section of poems i call the "not so political political poems"....i am angry and happy, mad and hurt....pissed and horny.....i am everything...i am not just one feeling regurgitated over and over in different wording.....i am in and out of love, i see the middle of things more often than, i understand both sides and agree to speak for all.....i
am
a gumbo poet.....
can be made with or without chicken, shrimp or adouille sausage, but best when eaten with the element of surprise..i use my life to relate to others....i dont do a lot of preaching but somehow i managed to find a few people who consider themselves fans of mine...i've even been called someone or two's "favorite poet"...and dare i never forget the little girl that cried when she met me, after listening to brownstone in brooklyn *of course*....so it seems i dont need to be any one of those other things....when i first started performing, one night a long time ago.....at the Cozy...Hypnotiq was hosting in place of Ill Holiday....when it came time for her to introduce me, she said something that has stuck with me every since....it is a statement that i grew to live by, write by and accept myself as.....
she said "this next poet coming to the stage, i never know what to expect from her"
thats me.
gumbo poet.
expect nothing but pureness...i am me....beautifully made and self accepted.....i am a style rock star....a poetic cross between rihanna, jill scott and Lauryn hill....am i comparing myself to them. YES. Am i as good as them. Yes. even if you dont agree. Its not about what you think. Its about what i think. And i am a gumbo poet.
complete with a new cd of growth and promise. Til Death Do Me Poetry, i promise to be an as good of me, as i can possibly be.
that feeling...the feeling of wanting to just break off a still semi raw piece and eat it, just to satisfy your thirst, even if only for a hot second....THAT feeling...is what i feel now....and i love it.....
if i had to describe what i think about this cd...how i classify it...or who'd i compare myself to, i'd say no one....its a mix of neosoul, rock and r&b, with a splash of hiphop and 100% me....it embodies who i am....i've been thinking over the last few days, what kind of poet at i....i went and saw Jessica Care Moore at the Historical Society and she was very moving to the crowd and powerful, all while being simply dressed in a black dress, some black heels and a cute spring of feathers from her hair....her bling was beautiful, but still minimal....she wasnt jeweled up with bracelets and gloves.....she wasnt jumping around or getting hype with her poems....she wasnt running out of breath and seemed to time her swallows perfectly.....she was great....at doing her....for a second...a split one....i wondered if i do too much....i wear all that, that she doesnt....and i'm still here....in indy....making the rounds in circle city....i do run out of breath sometimes and occasionally, you'll hear me stop my poem for a spit swallow.....
am i political.....do i talk about war or healthcare....do i discuss enough of politics....do i teach people or bring people to light on anything.....
am i in love all the time....am i angry.....pissed off at men and women....do i hate my father every other poem and love to have sex in the rest....who the hell is nsay.....why dont i use my name and is it possible for my "name" to stop me from getting in certain places....these are all a collection of things i have thought about ....
and for it...my only answer is ....i am me....i discuss me in 95% of my poems....and in the other 5% where i discuss things i havent necessarily experienced, i still incorporate my life in it in some way....do i wear too much jewelry, dress to sexy or go too far with my look....nope. i am rockstar poet and have been since i got here....i always knew it, ya'll didnt....lol....
i dress my way, in my own style...i like a little bit of everything and as i grow older, my style changes and things that used to be the shit to me, arent....i love heels and will wear them until i cannot anymore and i love dresses, jeans, shorts, skirts, short skirts, shirts, tshirts, ...grunge, gruff, rock, hiphop, etc....i am all things style....but my own....i do things the way i want to....
am i political....nope...not really...i have a section of poems i call the "not so political political poems"....i am angry and happy, mad and hurt....pissed and horny.....i am everything...i am not just one feeling regurgitated over and over in different wording.....i am in and out of love, i see the middle of things more often than, i understand both sides and agree to speak for all.....i
am
a gumbo poet.....
can be made with or without chicken, shrimp or adouille sausage, but best when eaten with the element of surprise..i use my life to relate to others....i dont do a lot of preaching but somehow i managed to find a few people who consider themselves fans of mine...i've even been called someone or two's "favorite poet"...and dare i never forget the little girl that cried when she met me, after listening to brownstone in brooklyn *of course*....so it seems i dont need to be any one of those other things....when i first started performing, one night a long time ago.....at the Cozy...Hypnotiq was hosting in place of Ill Holiday....when it came time for her to introduce me, she said something that has stuck with me every since....it is a statement that i grew to live by, write by and accept myself as.....
she said "this next poet coming to the stage, i never know what to expect from her"
thats me.
gumbo poet.
expect nothing but pureness...i am me....beautifully made and self accepted.....i am a style rock star....a poetic cross between rihanna, jill scott and Lauryn hill....am i comparing myself to them. YES. Am i as good as them. Yes. even if you dont agree. Its not about what you think. Its about what i think. And i am a gumbo poet.
complete with a new cd of growth and promise. Til Death Do Me Poetry, i promise to be an as good of me, as i can possibly be.
3.24.2010
random thoughts that collected since i last blogged
Lamar Hill has found his way to my favorite artist list....he gave THE most heartfelt performance i have ever seen in my poetry life....i love a lot of poets for a lot of different reasons....some are special for one poem, some for many....but Lamar Hill is special to me because every single word he said, i was hanging onto for dear life....i sat, stood, cried, clapped, cheered and shouted.....oh and the ever so present "stack that cheese" was in order.....listening to him speak gave new meaning to what i am doing and why.....if i am not making moves like that, where i not only command the crowds attention, but i talk to them in a way that tells that i am just like that and i am here to help in some way or another, than i am without purpose....if my poems dont do that, i apologize for thinking they were coming close....but from this moment forward, i know exactly how to reach my destiny....
cd release party tentatively April 29th....regardless if its the cd release party or not, i am featuring at the Urban element, April 29th .... not sure of the show, title or purpose, but know that it will be one....
after scouting locations and coming up with random ideas, i have found the spot for my photos for the cd to be taken...i have titled the cd, picked out all the poems, put them in order and am ready to record...i am in sync with the studios, have just about enough music tracks and am ready to record...the only thing i need is a graphic designer who isnt pricey.....i am ready to record and starting monday, i will be....by next monday, my first full length cd will be complete.....at least a rough draft...lol
i was going through my pics on facebook, which i do from time to time when i have nothing to do, but unlimited computer access.....wow....so many memories.....so many do agains - those are moments that i wish i could do all over again just to experience the feelings i remember feeling.....
i love my dogs
i am still socially fasting, but loosely so to speak i guess....
i love my dogs ....
i have successfully ended several friendships in the past two wks, because they bring no positivity to my emotions....
i am stoked about this cd
the more poets i meet, the more different i see myself from everyone else.....there's just something inside of me that i assumed most ppl had, i havent found it in anyone else yet....this is not a good or a bad thing...this is life.
i fixed my other bedroom after nearly two years of pretending it doesnt exist....i now own a walk in closet. and i feel good in there.
i love my dogs
i love writing
i am more than a poet
i am a writer
for life
consider this my kiss.
cd release party tentatively April 29th....regardless if its the cd release party or not, i am featuring at the Urban element, April 29th .... not sure of the show, title or purpose, but know that it will be one....
after scouting locations and coming up with random ideas, i have found the spot for my photos for the cd to be taken...i have titled the cd, picked out all the poems, put them in order and am ready to record...i am in sync with the studios, have just about enough music tracks and am ready to record...the only thing i need is a graphic designer who isnt pricey.....i am ready to record and starting monday, i will be....by next monday, my first full length cd will be complete.....at least a rough draft...lol
i was going through my pics on facebook, which i do from time to time when i have nothing to do, but unlimited computer access.....wow....so many memories.....so many do agains - those are moments that i wish i could do all over again just to experience the feelings i remember feeling.....
i love my dogs
i am still socially fasting, but loosely so to speak i guess....
i love my dogs ....
i have successfully ended several friendships in the past two wks, because they bring no positivity to my emotions....
i am stoked about this cd
the more poets i meet, the more different i see myself from everyone else.....there's just something inside of me that i assumed most ppl had, i havent found it in anyone else yet....this is not a good or a bad thing...this is life.
i fixed my other bedroom after nearly two years of pretending it doesnt exist....i now own a walk in closet. and i feel good in there.
i love my dogs
i love writing
i am more than a poet
i am a writer
for life
consider this my kiss.
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