i think something just hit me....and ....it is...that i am about to compete in the Individual World Poetry Slam....which means, i will be going against people who slam as a lifestyle....people who will probably take my poems and devour them word by word with one single line.....coming up with a one minute poem has been the most challenging thing ever...i need to be done writing by months end....i need to spend all of november getting prepared for it....the slam is the second week of december i think.....
yeah....
the time is upon me....
and i am just realizing how nervous i am ....like my heart just started racing and shit....
i have started getting emails from Slam people discussing rooms and fees and stuff....yeah...this shit is real....i cant even pull out ...that would be so cowardish...i never actually planned on competing...i just wanted to win the slam here....just because......well....lol...
i have my reasons why.....but i'll leave them where they lie
....still...i planned on just sorta "forfeiting" the prize to the next person...i just really wanted the win...it meant somthing to me that day...i dont know how much this IWS means to me....its not my field....this is so out of my character...it would be so crazy if i won....i dont know how likely that is to happen, but i dont want to speak no real negativity into existence.....hmmm...what IF i won....LOL
cue big grin....
yup....so i'm sitting here today...its like, going on three oclock in the afternoon...i missed my drivers test because i dont have any working turn signals, which means i STILL gotta watch out for the popo's....dammit!!! so i'm laying low...chilling....havent blogged in so long....i think this is my first blog on my new laptop, which i've had for about a month now : ) ....we truly adore each other......anyway....
i'm trying to keep it short and simple.....
im nervous...im also trying to spark the creativity inside of me...im trying to write a one minute poem....i have a blank word document up, and im staring at it....listening to my coltrane/nina simone pandora station....all this old timey music helps sometimes....i type to fast...so it makes me have more typos....of which i dont always remember to go back and fix....its not cause i cant spell....its cause i type to fast....i need a topic that i could powerfully discuss in one minute...
i need something that will pop out to me
something that i can draw verbally
i need something that will allow me to not concentrate on any of that, of which i just mentioned....
i need a muse.
for a quickie.
Showing posts with label poetry. Show all posts
Showing posts with label poetry. Show all posts
10.06.2010
2.17.2010
Fetal Watch
i can feel excitement running through my body like flares.....i lights me...inside out....i can't wait...overcome with desire to achieve completion.....what do i speak of ...
releasing my cd...my first, full length cd....something that has been just up in the air for quite some time and now the time has come and it couldnt have happened at a more appropriate time....
..getting to this point does not feel better than sex as some would say....maybe.....but...the build up to it could be easily compared to that of the hike towards orgasm.....veins are rattling...shaking....almost like an inner body quake....anticipation....
sweat.....unintentional nervousness....and when the moment finally arrives, aka my cd release party, it will be over so quick, only pics and strong memories will be the proof that it happened....
i am overcome with enthusiasm for my project.....last night i put two poems with two tracks i already had, and they just sounded soooo good.....i nearly cried....wow....i almost have to physically stop myself from calling up one of the studio's and going to record....i have to say to myself...
not yet nsay
its not time
see i have to maximize my studio time...i plan on doing as many poems as i can per hour....now i've recorded plenty of times before, i know i cold be very well working on one poem for one entire hour....but the more i rehearse, the better the odds, and the last two times i have recorded, it only took two tries.....so that gives me hope....im recording on a budget....i can't afford to record....
....but i can't afford
...not to record....LOL....sooo....anyway....the process has begun and what a process it is when you add in elements of desire, goals, hopes and conquests.....i want this cd to be one of the nicest spoken word cd's to come out ....not because of the accolades it would get me, though an award nomination is not too much of a stretch....
might as well reach for the top
....but moreso because, if you think the cd is dope, you'll share it with someone else.....and maybe they will share it...maybe someone will wanna buy it, or book me.....and if its one of the nicest ones, then it will get mutiple plays...i dont want it to be the cd you like, think is cool ...
and then sit to the side....
hey i have a few of those....i own ALOT of spoken word cds because if i have it, i try to support.....but there are only a few that have moved me to repeat play...and thats what i wanna do....i want my cd to be replayed so whatever the message is in that particular poem, it gets out....
you receive it....
you learn from it....experience it....i want the listener to be able to attach themselves to the speakers and listen to the biography of a life moment quite like one they remember be played out.....
i want to touch someone....i dont just say that for kicks.....when i first started this, i never expected it to be this great.....or to feel this good.....i had no expectations outside of spitting a poem at the open mic.....it has since become my life.....
when i dropped Say Something....it was rushed....it was done for the purpose of product...i'm not gonna lie....i had The Queens of Spoken Word show coming up, and i didnt want to be the only person without something to profit from, if even in the minor form.....it started out with the intention to be a whole cd, turned into a EP due to time constraint, then it was re-released with three extra poems, and has since gone on to be bootlegged by myself to include four more extra poems....some from a recording session i did that was also in a rush due to time constraints, some that i just got from FW cd's that i was included on....hell they were my poems...why not....
so i kind of "made" me up a whole cd so to speak.....and it is an honor that people have still found ways to love it and play it continously, but for a moment of honesty....i've never been one with that cd.....
i've never had the connection to it that i already have with this one coming up.....
.....i've always forgotten it, don't mention it at shows, don't push it much....don't carry it with me like a normal starving artist who is full time....we just don't connect....
me and my poems...
unconnected...
sounds like an unreal (lol).....idk....i like it....and i am damn proud of it....i put forth great effort to it....no regrets....it is as it should be....
but my connection to it has been lost from the beginning....which is what makes this process so lovable....i creating this cd on a daily basis....
i am learning directions, finding different pitches, tracks, tones, emotions....i am finding out how to move someone ...talk to someone....i am learning how to pick out a poem for a cd....asking myself why, as if interviewing myself....
"Self, why did you pick this poem?"....if there is no definite answer with a purpose, then that poem doesnt get picked....i dont want something that just sounds good....but i dont want to something that teaches to hard....i'm a poetic cross between Rihanna and Jill Scott....and i want that to be shown on my cd....
i want ME to come out of my cd, and i think that was the disconnect with me and Say Something, is it had no personality to me.....not to me....not me...
....i want ppl to get to the end of this cd and be just shy of mental orgasm (in case they are driving).....
so it has begun.
the process.
the process of completing my first full cd.....all me, done by me....i feel as though i am watching my lyrical fetus grow.....and the release party???? OMG.....something to be celebrated....i want this cd to have the purpose i say i prayed for.....and it will
...from the title change to poems that were once to be included, now lying in crucial conflict on the cutting room floor, i am on the verge of something great.....
something meaningful
something so powerful, even i won't believe that I did it....
i thank Him for choosing me.
i wouldnt have had it any other way.
releasing my cd...my first, full length cd....something that has been just up in the air for quite some time and now the time has come and it couldnt have happened at a more appropriate time....
..getting to this point does not feel better than sex as some would say....maybe.....but...the build up to it could be easily compared to that of the hike towards orgasm.....veins are rattling...shaking....almost like an inner body quake....anticipation....
sweat.....unintentional nervousness....and when the moment finally arrives, aka my cd release party, it will be over so quick, only pics and strong memories will be the proof that it happened....
i am overcome with enthusiasm for my project.....last night i put two poems with two tracks i already had, and they just sounded soooo good.....i nearly cried....wow....i almost have to physically stop myself from calling up one of the studio's and going to record....i have to say to myself...
not yet nsay
its not time
see i have to maximize my studio time...i plan on doing as many poems as i can per hour....now i've recorded plenty of times before, i know i cold be very well working on one poem for one entire hour....but the more i rehearse, the better the odds, and the last two times i have recorded, it only took two tries.....so that gives me hope....im recording on a budget....i can't afford to record....
....but i can't afford
...not to record....LOL....sooo....anyway....the process has begun and what a process it is when you add in elements of desire, goals, hopes and conquests.....i want this cd to be one of the nicest spoken word cd's to come out ....not because of the accolades it would get me, though an award nomination is not too much of a stretch....
might as well reach for the top
....but moreso because, if you think the cd is dope, you'll share it with someone else.....and maybe they will share it...maybe someone will wanna buy it, or book me.....and if its one of the nicest ones, then it will get mutiple plays...i dont want it to be the cd you like, think is cool ...
and then sit to the side....
hey i have a few of those....i own ALOT of spoken word cds because if i have it, i try to support.....but there are only a few that have moved me to repeat play...and thats what i wanna do....i want my cd to be replayed so whatever the message is in that particular poem, it gets out....
you receive it....
you learn from it....experience it....i want the listener to be able to attach themselves to the speakers and listen to the biography of a life moment quite like one they remember be played out.....
i want to touch someone....i dont just say that for kicks.....when i first started this, i never expected it to be this great.....or to feel this good.....i had no expectations outside of spitting a poem at the open mic.....it has since become my life.....
when i dropped Say Something....it was rushed....it was done for the purpose of product...i'm not gonna lie....i had The Queens of Spoken Word show coming up, and i didnt want to be the only person without something to profit from, if even in the minor form.....it started out with the intention to be a whole cd, turned into a EP due to time constraint, then it was re-released with three extra poems, and has since gone on to be bootlegged by myself to include four more extra poems....some from a recording session i did that was also in a rush due to time constraints, some that i just got from FW cd's that i was included on....hell they were my poems...why not....
so i kind of "made" me up a whole cd so to speak.....and it is an honor that people have still found ways to love it and play it continously, but for a moment of honesty....i've never been one with that cd.....
i've never had the connection to it that i already have with this one coming up.....
.....i've always forgotten it, don't mention it at shows, don't push it much....don't carry it with me like a normal starving artist who is full time....we just don't connect....
me and my poems...
unconnected...
sounds like an unreal (lol).....idk....i like it....and i am damn proud of it....i put forth great effort to it....no regrets....it is as it should be....
but my connection to it has been lost from the beginning....which is what makes this process so lovable....i creating this cd on a daily basis....
i am learning directions, finding different pitches, tracks, tones, emotions....i am finding out how to move someone ...talk to someone....i am learning how to pick out a poem for a cd....asking myself why, as if interviewing myself....
"Self, why did you pick this poem?"....if there is no definite answer with a purpose, then that poem doesnt get picked....i dont want something that just sounds good....but i dont want to something that teaches to hard....i'm a poetic cross between Rihanna and Jill Scott....and i want that to be shown on my cd....
i want ME to come out of my cd, and i think that was the disconnect with me and Say Something, is it had no personality to me.....not to me....not me...
....i want ppl to get to the end of this cd and be just shy of mental orgasm (in case they are driving).....
so it has begun.
the process.
the process of completing my first full cd.....all me, done by me....i feel as though i am watching my lyrical fetus grow.....and the release party???? OMG.....something to be celebrated....i want this cd to have the purpose i say i prayed for.....and it will
...from the title change to poems that were once to be included, now lying in crucial conflict on the cutting room floor, i am on the verge of something great.....
something meaningful
something so powerful, even i won't believe that I did it....
i thank Him for choosing me.
i wouldnt have had it any other way.
11.26.2009
Can U Hear Me Over the Text?
to text or not to text.....lets try this guys....me included!!!!
on tour i made some observations....these observations were also made before the tour....actually...i started making them right after i went to see Shihan perform at Marion College a few months back....there was something different about that crowd....
they were texting...
like NO ONE!!!! No One was texting anyone for any reason...
it all started with a Shihan show i attended back in the summer at Marion College in Indy.....me and Hamid went up there and must have been there for close to an hour, if not a little longer....when we got there, the show had already started, so i'm figuring these kids that were there from the beginning, had been sitting there for quite some time.....the show was enjoyable, the poems were dope, and the commentary/questions/answers were meaningful....but there was one thing missing from the night that i easily noticed...probably because i have become so accustomed to seeing it.....
NO ONE WAS TEXTING!!!
not anyone....not at any point...it was easy to see the entire room because of the set up, so when i say no one out of the fifty or so people that were there, that got in for free, was texting, i mean that!!!
So after that, i started to take notice.....in town, out of town...i became more aware of my texting during shows....i became more aware of the level of disrespect it takes to do that outright in front of a performer.....in going out of town, from North Carolina to Philly, this pattern was unchanged.....and part of the reason i find myself taking notice of it, is because there will be moments where i feel obliged to send a text to someone or something (twitter/fb/etc), that may or may not have anything to do with the poem being spit......and right before i do it, i find myself looking around and noticing that no one else is texting...which in the case of being out of town, makes me feel like its even more disrespectful because its not like i'm at my "at home spot".....its not like these people know me and no my love for poetry and the arts itself.....
so this whole thing got me thinking......why do we text while people are performing.....and i dont mean a random, can't wait another minute, "i said leave the key on the table" type of text.....i mean when we are habitually offending the person on the mic....when new people come up, how does that make them feel to look out and see some of the older poets, the "elders" not giving them the same attention they've worked hard to earn? I mean think about it....u can't be an elder without being a rookie.....we aren't born adults, we don't start off as Somebodys.....there is a price that gets paid, mud that gets walked through.....
and when you are walking thru that mud as a performer, your audience is the reason you are there....otherwise, we'd all be content with singing and spitting poems in front of our full length mirrors or with teddy bears on the couch.....of which, subliminally, suggests that we STILL want an audience, or else we'd just spit poems out of the books, while watching tv and running the vacuum.....
but i digress
sorta
so if the audience is the reason, how does it feel when you see them not paying attention....and i know, i know....you can do two things at once....listen and type.....
text and be hear....BUT
divided attention is not what performers seek....trust me...i am one and i know it.....and when i get on stage, i hardly ever see people looking down at their phones....i usually can count on all ears to be open and all eyes on me.....but there was a time when i saw everyone looking at me, but they weren't listening....
and remember wanting the attetion i receive now....i've said it to others...i remember when i wanted Taalam Acey to listen to my poetry, but i was just another feather in the wind with a pen.....there were YEARS of insecurities....i was getting paid to do my poems and still didnt believe people liked me....
...or listened.....
and i was hurt....it was crushing....it took so much to become nSAYchable, which is why i never take for granted the love i receive....i spent the night tonight, reading poems and stories i was tagged on over the last couple of weeks that i haven't gotten a chance to read.....not because i have to....
...but because the people that tagged me, were all people who i've tagged....and they were all people who have left comments about my poems.....i OWE it to them to read their stuff to....
because its the right thing to do....because its out of respect for them and their work....because its what i want from them.....i wasnt doing nothing that they hadn't done for me.....
and everytime i get a comment i am smiling....not smiling about praise, but smiling that people read it and were so touched that they left a comment.....
so i say all this to say, we as performers look to our audience for attention.....but when our audience's attention is being split between even lines we're splitting and the odd lines they are texting, its hurtful.....more than that, its disrespectful......especially to someone who's new....
.....we as performers OWE it to other performers to listen....damn or at least look like we are....its what we want from them.....when a high ranking poet comes in for a feature, one of the most exciting moments of the night for you is them hearing your shit....i dont care what NOBODY says....you want them to hear you....
we all do....
there is no difference......
and dont get it wrong...i am fully aware of the guilt i contribute to this topic....which is why im writing about it....first person....but i am also making a conscious effort to change that.....and so far, i've been pretty good...but this SEEMS to be a problem that weighs heavy in Indy....i've missed it in other states and never see it at the colleges....i'm not saying other places dont....but does that mean its ok if they do....Indianapolis is always the underdog....people pass by us on tour all the time as if we dont listen to music....or go to plays....we dont have major shine time on the map, but once people come they see a lot of love....but i'm on the inside and looking around in here, we are beginning to get besides ourselves on the love....we are getting too damned disrespectful.....one of the greatest parts of poetry is the love you receive....
and we need to stick to dishing out love.....and it wont be easy....its something we've all become used to, but other people ARE noticing, because i've heard comments in the audience at places....its rude....
....all i'm saying is to try...next time you're at the spot...where ever that spot is, and you see yourself looking at your phone....about to text....stop...wait....try to hold it like a secret....
...see the person on stage and allow the common ground you wish to stand on....give the same respect you want and the same respect they give....ESPECIALLY the new people....
look at them...give them, give us what we deserve.....put your phones on silent, hold your conversation to a minimum, at a whisper and stop texting.....twitter can wait
so can facebook......there are breaks, people have to walk to the stage.....there are bands that play....so its not like there won't be a single moment for three or four hours for to text.....im just saying, picking out the moments when someone is on stage
.....speaking to you.....from their heart....wanting your ear.....needing your lack of judgement...
you should listen.....and dont take this to think i'll be posted up at the spots seeking out texters and handing out tickets and shit...lol....
not what im trying to do....maybe no one will even agree with me....but i take that risk.....im just thinking in the eye of change, if i take off my rose colored glasses, maybe i can help others take off theirs...i mean thats what i set out to do anyway right....all i'm saying, is at least sometimes....
the text can wait....or perhaps you should keep that five or ten spot in your pockets....i mean just about everyone has unlimited texts at this point, so why pay so much to do what you do at home for free.....
...or at least until the next billing cycle.
on tour i made some observations....these observations were also made before the tour....actually...i started making them right after i went to see Shihan perform at Marion College a few months back....there was something different about that crowd....
they were texting...
like NO ONE!!!! No One was texting anyone for any reason...
it all started with a Shihan show i attended back in the summer at Marion College in Indy.....me and Hamid went up there and must have been there for close to an hour, if not a little longer....when we got there, the show had already started, so i'm figuring these kids that were there from the beginning, had been sitting there for quite some time.....the show was enjoyable, the poems were dope, and the commentary/questions/answers were meaningful....but there was one thing missing from the night that i easily noticed...probably because i have become so accustomed to seeing it.....
NO ONE WAS TEXTING!!!
not anyone....not at any point...it was easy to see the entire room because of the set up, so when i say no one out of the fifty or so people that were there, that got in for free, was texting, i mean that!!!
So after that, i started to take notice.....in town, out of town...i became more aware of my texting during shows....i became more aware of the level of disrespect it takes to do that outright in front of a performer.....in going out of town, from North Carolina to Philly, this pattern was unchanged.....and part of the reason i find myself taking notice of it, is because there will be moments where i feel obliged to send a text to someone or something (twitter/fb/etc), that may or may not have anything to do with the poem being spit......and right before i do it, i find myself looking around and noticing that no one else is texting...which in the case of being out of town, makes me feel like its even more disrespectful because its not like i'm at my "at home spot".....its not like these people know me and no my love for poetry and the arts itself.....
so this whole thing got me thinking......why do we text while people are performing.....and i dont mean a random, can't wait another minute, "i said leave the key on the table" type of text.....i mean when we are habitually offending the person on the mic....when new people come up, how does that make them feel to look out and see some of the older poets, the "elders" not giving them the same attention they've worked hard to earn? I mean think about it....u can't be an elder without being a rookie.....we aren't born adults, we don't start off as Somebodys.....there is a price that gets paid, mud that gets walked through.....
and when you are walking thru that mud as a performer, your audience is the reason you are there....otherwise, we'd all be content with singing and spitting poems in front of our full length mirrors or with teddy bears on the couch.....of which, subliminally, suggests that we STILL want an audience, or else we'd just spit poems out of the books, while watching tv and running the vacuum.....
but i digress
sorta
so if the audience is the reason, how does it feel when you see them not paying attention....and i know, i know....you can do two things at once....listen and type.....
text and be hear....BUT
divided attention is not what performers seek....trust me...i am one and i know it.....and when i get on stage, i hardly ever see people looking down at their phones....i usually can count on all ears to be open and all eyes on me.....but there was a time when i saw everyone looking at me, but they weren't listening....
and remember wanting the attetion i receive now....i've said it to others...i remember when i wanted Taalam Acey to listen to my poetry, but i was just another feather in the wind with a pen.....there were YEARS of insecurities....i was getting paid to do my poems and still didnt believe people liked me....
...or listened.....
and i was hurt....it was crushing....it took so much to become nSAYchable, which is why i never take for granted the love i receive....i spent the night tonight, reading poems and stories i was tagged on over the last couple of weeks that i haven't gotten a chance to read.....not because i have to....
...but because the people that tagged me, were all people who i've tagged....and they were all people who have left comments about my poems.....i OWE it to them to read their stuff to....
because its the right thing to do....because its out of respect for them and their work....because its what i want from them.....i wasnt doing nothing that they hadn't done for me.....
and everytime i get a comment i am smiling....not smiling about praise, but smiling that people read it and were so touched that they left a comment.....
so i say all this to say, we as performers look to our audience for attention.....but when our audience's attention is being split between even lines we're splitting and the odd lines they are texting, its hurtful.....more than that, its disrespectful......especially to someone who's new....
.....we as performers OWE it to other performers to listen....damn or at least look like we are....its what we want from them.....when a high ranking poet comes in for a feature, one of the most exciting moments of the night for you is them hearing your shit....i dont care what NOBODY says....you want them to hear you....
we all do....
there is no difference......
and dont get it wrong...i am fully aware of the guilt i contribute to this topic....which is why im writing about it....first person....but i am also making a conscious effort to change that.....and so far, i've been pretty good...but this SEEMS to be a problem that weighs heavy in Indy....i've missed it in other states and never see it at the colleges....i'm not saying other places dont....but does that mean its ok if they do....Indianapolis is always the underdog....people pass by us on tour all the time as if we dont listen to music....or go to plays....we dont have major shine time on the map, but once people come they see a lot of love....but i'm on the inside and looking around in here, we are beginning to get besides ourselves on the love....we are getting too damned disrespectful.....one of the greatest parts of poetry is the love you receive....
and we need to stick to dishing out love.....and it wont be easy....its something we've all become used to, but other people ARE noticing, because i've heard comments in the audience at places....its rude....
....all i'm saying is to try...next time you're at the spot...where ever that spot is, and you see yourself looking at your phone....about to text....stop...wait....try to hold it like a secret....
...see the person on stage and allow the common ground you wish to stand on....give the same respect you want and the same respect they give....ESPECIALLY the new people....
look at them...give them, give us what we deserve.....put your phones on silent, hold your conversation to a minimum, at a whisper and stop texting.....twitter can wait
so can facebook......there are breaks, people have to walk to the stage.....there are bands that play....so its not like there won't be a single moment for three or four hours for to text.....im just saying, picking out the moments when someone is on stage
.....speaking to you.....from their heart....wanting your ear.....needing your lack of judgement...
you should listen.....and dont take this to think i'll be posted up at the spots seeking out texters and handing out tickets and shit...lol....
not what im trying to do....maybe no one will even agree with me....but i take that risk.....im just thinking in the eye of change, if i take off my rose colored glasses, maybe i can help others take off theirs...i mean thats what i set out to do anyway right....all i'm saying, is at least sometimes....
the text can wait....or perhaps you should keep that five or ten spot in your pockets....i mean just about everyone has unlimited texts at this point, so why pay so much to do what you do at home for free.....
...or at least until the next billing cycle.
11.18.2009
Curb Ball....PT 2
so where did i leave off....?
oh....
gabby asked me if i had her wallet in my purse....knowing full damn well i didnt, i checked and of course, it wasnt in there......but she had to go get on stage for her last poem.....while up there performing, i continued to look for her wallet, through her purse, my purse, the floor, the surrounding area.....but to no avail....
.....when she got back off stage, we continued to search for her wallet, retracing our last few steps and the last time she was 100% sure she had the wallet....which, of course, was the bus trip.....when i didnt have any change.....we searched and searched and searched....she went looking outside....walked up the street, literally retracing each of our steps from the bus stop to the venue......no wallet
i was inside still....still searching....the same places over and over again....we had only been from the bus to the spot, and once we sat down, we were down....i mean we were in a new spot where we didnt know anyone, so we didnt do much moving around....in the meantime, people were buying cds....i was at the table, selling both her and my cds, while she was outside looking for her wallet and on the phone with the bus station....
too make a long story much shorter (cause it is a looooong story)...basically....we didnt find it....oh and we missed the last bus back to daynomi's house, because remember, she was at the studio still.....so we didnt have a ride...it was nearing two am....our night was wonderful.....our performances were dope, representing and fulfilling....the audience feedback was amazing and the love we got was super dope....we both sold out of cds....well not me, but i only had a couple left....we got major love from the other poets, the slam team members and the audience......it couldnt have gotten off to a better start....if that was a detail account of what was too come, we were about to be set.....and then this....of course....a rain parade....
and we didnt have a ride....but...luckily enough we were able to find several people who were willing to take us back to the spot....we ended up riding with two of the slam team members, who doubled as a power couple and stayed in the one of the dopest loft buildings in charlotte....we rode with them and they talked to us about charlotte, about the slam and other random things....they were both really dope poets as well, so to have them showing us this kinda love, especially in such a turbulent moment, was the shit...the funny thing is we were riding in the car with two people, three at one point, of which we would have been competing against at the Southern Fried Slam.....lol....but i digress.
we got back to daynomi's with hopes, and i mean i was praying hope into the living room, that we would get there and find the wallet positioned on the bed somewhere....forgotten....we searched....searched....searched...
and searched some more.....gabby proceeded to call to get her cards cut off....OH YEAH!!! the wallet had everything in it....ID....license....credit cards, bank cards, cash....whatever else.....so it was an important find.....but we never found it.....the stress entered the room quickly.....well, it was on her back before we got into the house.....i mean we looked hard.....in the end (to shorten the story again), there was no choice but to leave.....we had been in NC for roughly days....we had another feature on friday and were set to hit the road that monday....and now this....
gabby told me she was going home.....there was no choice...she had NO ID what so ever....she told me that she didnt mind if i stayed and continued on the tour......but in good faith, i really couldnt...i came with my girl, i leave with her.....if the shoe was on the other foot, i would have told her the same thing, but i would have been hurt had she stayed....so it was only right that i left....with her.....by the end of that night, we had been to the police station, on the phone with the bus station trying to figure out how we were even getting home becasue we had only done ONE show at the time, so while we sold cds, we each were working with meager pocket accommodations.....PLUS there was the ID thing....i mean, how could she get on the bus, plane or a train without one...???
the night just kept getting longer....it had to have been five a.m. when we got to the police station....when we got the airport, maybe just before six or around six....A.M. ...still running off little sleep, i just put my head on my luggage and found a few catnips in between gabby trying to figure out how to purchase and board a plane with no id....oh....and of course the flights were 999.00 to go home if purchased that night...LOL...the next day they were 106....soooo.....it was decided that we must get a hotel room.....the tour was becoming more over by the minute....i was dealing with crazy emotions because i just figured all of this was for nothing....i lost my bf for nothing....(i know, dont say it)....i came here for nothing.....we had a show for nothing....(i know, dont say it)....
by 730 am, we had a hotel room....red roof inn....internet access.....we were right next to a cracker barrel and a waffle house.....by this time, it was light outside, the tour was officially a wrap and it was early friday morning...i got us food from waffle house and we looked up tickets again and began to unwind at the red roof...finally.....we started laughing.....we had our last laugh about 12am back at the wine up when we were celebrating each others first great sets.....and now....some seven hours later, we were able to laugh again...!!!!
we arranged a flight back home, talked to Steph from Brooklyn to pick us up and ate our food and went to sleep.....when we got back up, later that evening, we ate again at cracker barrell, continued to laugh about the whole situation, probably to keep from crying, and talked to Daynomi about making that nights show.....our flight wasnt until saturday, so we would be in the hotel all night......we made the show, it was .....ok.....came back to the room and my ultra sensitive ass had to fight the tears because Daynomi looked so disappointed, but she understood....i felt soooo bad, but it was out of my hands and there was little to be done about it, but for us to go home.....
by saturday evening, we were back at the crib....steph picked us up and dropped us off.....we had made a pact that no one would be told that were home....it was too embarrassing....it seemed like a failure and even though we had a very valid reason for coming home, people's perceptions are a MF and we just wanted to avoid the whole "they swore they were leaving for a month"....lol....we agreed to keep our "home visit" on the downlow because gabby was just going to get her some new id, wait on the bankcard to come in the mail and we would rent a car and hit the road....road tripping to the east coast...it was set in our minds already and we couldnt just throw it away....not when there was a recovery way...so we did....kept real silent about being home....it was hard too....too stay quiet....to remain in the house when SOOOO much was going on in the city....there were slams, kevin sandbloom was back, mudd jones featured, midtown, eclectic poetic had a show, i mean the list went on of all the stuff i wanted to do.....then the IM's....everytime i got on facebook, people were like "how's the tour going"....HA...i hated lying so i would either let my computer get frozen up...lol....then i adopted the "i'm saving the details for the blog" message.....folks would be like where are ya'll....hahahahah...i started to say home a couple of times....but of course i didnt...i went to walmart a couple of times, damn near crawling on the floor incognito trying not to be found out....
i was sooo nervous someone would see me.....hahahahahah....we made it though....after just over a week of being home, we hit the road yesterday and so the tour has officially begun and this classified G1 info is able to be leaked....its been funny.....to say the least.....adventurous.....a lot of the times when people would ask how's the tour going, i would say "its interesting"......being at home like a prisoner, unable to go anywhere, with only a handful of people to know you are there is very interesting to say the least....but we made it....
and today....we both woke up at washington, DC...well actually Laurel, MD...its 10am and im ready to go....gabby is still laying down, half sick, half sleep.....im wide awake.....have been on and off since around seven....i told ya'll....I DONT SLEEP OUT OF TOWN and i really dont understand people who do....im ready to hit washington.....im ready to go sight seeing and i guess we have the whole day to do it, but im ready like right now.....!!!! LOL....but what can you do....once in my life i will travel completely solo so i can go and come as i please, when i please and really not have to wait on anyone to do anything.....i actually think before its all over, i will be a solo traveler all the time....and i totally understand those who do it.....but for now, it is what it is....and im just so glad not to be at home, in hiding that it doesnt matter ...im about to take a shower (OMG) and head to the gas station for a black.....
and now that the tour is back on...
with blessings from Daynomi, who has gone her own way now......but she knows, at least she should, that all three of us will share a stage together again....she's an amazing person/woman.....she opened her heart and her tour to two people she barely knew, and then proceeded to give us the shows she couldnt make it to at this point.....i love her forever!!!
and now....my fingers hurt....but if my pen should run out of ink before i get the chance to blog again, let it be said that life throws curb balls all the time.....u can either be prepared to catch one at any given moment, or get knocked the fuck out!!!
nsay
oh....
gabby asked me if i had her wallet in my purse....knowing full damn well i didnt, i checked and of course, it wasnt in there......but she had to go get on stage for her last poem.....while up there performing, i continued to look for her wallet, through her purse, my purse, the floor, the surrounding area.....but to no avail....
.....when she got back off stage, we continued to search for her wallet, retracing our last few steps and the last time she was 100% sure she had the wallet....which, of course, was the bus trip.....when i didnt have any change.....we searched and searched and searched....she went looking outside....walked up the street, literally retracing each of our steps from the bus stop to the venue......no wallet
i was inside still....still searching....the same places over and over again....we had only been from the bus to the spot, and once we sat down, we were down....i mean we were in a new spot where we didnt know anyone, so we didnt do much moving around....in the meantime, people were buying cds....i was at the table, selling both her and my cds, while she was outside looking for her wallet and on the phone with the bus station....
too make a long story much shorter (cause it is a looooong story)...basically....we didnt find it....oh and we missed the last bus back to daynomi's house, because remember, she was at the studio still.....so we didnt have a ride...it was nearing two am....our night was wonderful.....our performances were dope, representing and fulfilling....the audience feedback was amazing and the love we got was super dope....we both sold out of cds....well not me, but i only had a couple left....we got major love from the other poets, the slam team members and the audience......it couldnt have gotten off to a better start....if that was a detail account of what was too come, we were about to be set.....and then this....of course....a rain parade....
and we didnt have a ride....but...luckily enough we were able to find several people who were willing to take us back to the spot....we ended up riding with two of the slam team members, who doubled as a power couple and stayed in the one of the dopest loft buildings in charlotte....we rode with them and they talked to us about charlotte, about the slam and other random things....they were both really dope poets as well, so to have them showing us this kinda love, especially in such a turbulent moment, was the shit...the funny thing is we were riding in the car with two people, three at one point, of which we would have been competing against at the Southern Fried Slam.....lol....but i digress.
we got back to daynomi's with hopes, and i mean i was praying hope into the living room, that we would get there and find the wallet positioned on the bed somewhere....forgotten....we searched....searched....searched...
and searched some more.....gabby proceeded to call to get her cards cut off....OH YEAH!!! the wallet had everything in it....ID....license....credit cards, bank cards, cash....whatever else.....so it was an important find.....but we never found it.....the stress entered the room quickly.....well, it was on her back before we got into the house.....i mean we looked hard.....in the end (to shorten the story again), there was no choice but to leave.....we had been in NC for roughly days....we had another feature on friday and were set to hit the road that monday....and now this....
gabby told me she was going home.....there was no choice...she had NO ID what so ever....she told me that she didnt mind if i stayed and continued on the tour......but in good faith, i really couldnt...i came with my girl, i leave with her.....if the shoe was on the other foot, i would have told her the same thing, but i would have been hurt had she stayed....so it was only right that i left....with her.....by the end of that night, we had been to the police station, on the phone with the bus station trying to figure out how we were even getting home becasue we had only done ONE show at the time, so while we sold cds, we each were working with meager pocket accommodations.....PLUS there was the ID thing....i mean, how could she get on the bus, plane or a train without one...???
the night just kept getting longer....it had to have been five a.m. when we got to the police station....when we got the airport, maybe just before six or around six....A.M. ...still running off little sleep, i just put my head on my luggage and found a few catnips in between gabby trying to figure out how to purchase and board a plane with no id....oh....and of course the flights were 999.00 to go home if purchased that night...LOL...the next day they were 106....soooo.....it was decided that we must get a hotel room.....the tour was becoming more over by the minute....i was dealing with crazy emotions because i just figured all of this was for nothing....i lost my bf for nothing....(i know, dont say it)....i came here for nothing.....we had a show for nothing....(i know, dont say it)....
by 730 am, we had a hotel room....red roof inn....internet access.....we were right next to a cracker barrel and a waffle house.....by this time, it was light outside, the tour was officially a wrap and it was early friday morning...i got us food from waffle house and we looked up tickets again and began to unwind at the red roof...finally.....we started laughing.....we had our last laugh about 12am back at the wine up when we were celebrating each others first great sets.....and now....some seven hours later, we were able to laugh again...!!!!
we arranged a flight back home, talked to Steph from Brooklyn to pick us up and ate our food and went to sleep.....when we got back up, later that evening, we ate again at cracker barrell, continued to laugh about the whole situation, probably to keep from crying, and talked to Daynomi about making that nights show.....our flight wasnt until saturday, so we would be in the hotel all night......we made the show, it was .....ok.....came back to the room and my ultra sensitive ass had to fight the tears because Daynomi looked so disappointed, but she understood....i felt soooo bad, but it was out of my hands and there was little to be done about it, but for us to go home.....
by saturday evening, we were back at the crib....steph picked us up and dropped us off.....we had made a pact that no one would be told that were home....it was too embarrassing....it seemed like a failure and even though we had a very valid reason for coming home, people's perceptions are a MF and we just wanted to avoid the whole "they swore they were leaving for a month"....lol....we agreed to keep our "home visit" on the downlow because gabby was just going to get her some new id, wait on the bankcard to come in the mail and we would rent a car and hit the road....road tripping to the east coast...it was set in our minds already and we couldnt just throw it away....not when there was a recovery way...so we did....kept real silent about being home....it was hard too....too stay quiet....to remain in the house when SOOOO much was going on in the city....there were slams, kevin sandbloom was back, mudd jones featured, midtown, eclectic poetic had a show, i mean the list went on of all the stuff i wanted to do.....then the IM's....everytime i got on facebook, people were like "how's the tour going"....HA...i hated lying so i would either let my computer get frozen up...lol....then i adopted the "i'm saving the details for the blog" message.....folks would be like where are ya'll....hahahahah...i started to say home a couple of times....but of course i didnt...i went to walmart a couple of times, damn near crawling on the floor incognito trying not to be found out....
i was sooo nervous someone would see me.....hahahahahah....we made it though....after just over a week of being home, we hit the road yesterday and so the tour has officially begun and this classified G1 info is able to be leaked....its been funny.....to say the least.....adventurous.....a lot of the times when people would ask how's the tour going, i would say "its interesting"......being at home like a prisoner, unable to go anywhere, with only a handful of people to know you are there is very interesting to say the least....but we made it....
and today....we both woke up at washington, DC...well actually Laurel, MD...its 10am and im ready to go....gabby is still laying down, half sick, half sleep.....im wide awake.....have been on and off since around seven....i told ya'll....I DONT SLEEP OUT OF TOWN and i really dont understand people who do....im ready to hit washington.....im ready to go sight seeing and i guess we have the whole day to do it, but im ready like right now.....!!!! LOL....but what can you do....once in my life i will travel completely solo so i can go and come as i please, when i please and really not have to wait on anyone to do anything.....i actually think before its all over, i will be a solo traveler all the time....and i totally understand those who do it.....but for now, it is what it is....and im just so glad not to be at home, in hiding that it doesnt matter ...im about to take a shower (OMG) and head to the gas station for a black.....
and now that the tour is back on...
with blessings from Daynomi, who has gone her own way now......but she knows, at least she should, that all three of us will share a stage together again....she's an amazing person/woman.....she opened her heart and her tour to two people she barely knew, and then proceeded to give us the shows she couldnt make it to at this point.....i love her forever!!!
and now....my fingers hurt....but if my pen should run out of ink before i get the chance to blog again, let it be said that life throws curb balls all the time.....u can either be prepared to catch one at any given moment, or get knocked the fuck out!!!
nsay
10.19.2009
It's a Fine Line between Indiana and MIchigan
and so the story goes.....
i got home this morning at 630.....when i saw the first sign that said 465 i almost pulled the car over and proceeded to get out and kiss the ground.....i was so sleepy that i literally think i fell asleep while driving, all with my eyes open and carrying on a conversation that went from my troublesome relationship with a nonsupportive boyfriend who i am still in love with to touring, to semi trucks and how often their wheels fall off....lol....
when we left chicago, it was 1am ...130 at the latest....my sister in names, Kendria aka KLove who is a PHENOMENAL POET!!! if you like me, trust me and check her out....she did three poems last night that were the epitome of greatness and i am officially a new fan...i only wish i could have afforded to purchase her cd...i actually meant to suggest a trade, but somehow i forgot...
but i digress...
KLove showed us the way to the highway home....the highway....wow....a combo pack of I90 and I94....one of them takes you to indianapolis, one of them takes you to detroit...both will lead you to indiana, one just happens to lead you to michigan .....the one that led to michigan, of course, is the one we took.....
what does it matter who was driving (me) or how we missed it.....all i know, is we had been rolling...making good time, hitting miles by the dozens on 80mph.....i was noticing that none of the signs said Indianapolis....and that the scenery wasnt very familiar....and considering we came and left in one night, i think i could remember at least one building to help guide the way.....but i didnt say anything....mostly due in part to we crossed into Indiana....we, well I, saw signs that said Valparaiso, Michigan City....all cities in indiana, so i was just expecting for indianapolis to show up on the one of the mileage signs...NOPE....after about close to an hour and at least 69 miles worth of driving, we began to come up on a big sign that caught my attention....it was right after we passed michigan city and were having a conversation about being in jail and what jail an ex of mine is in...i was saying i think it was that one....next thing i know, i have to interrupt gabby talking to say, yeah umm.....i dont think we are on the right highway because we just passed a sign that said "welcome to Pure Michigan...."....i was floored.....there was nothing to do but laugh....i mean we had been driving for awhile and keep in mind by this time i was after two am....the road we were on consisted of us and a semi every 15 miles.....it was dark as hell.....gabby says....
"no this has to be the right road because here's all the construction we passed earlier"....lol...i love gabby....i said "gabby....the construction we were on earlier had both directions on one side, traveling in one lane, which is why it was backed up.....(yeah, got caught in a serious traffic jam on the way)....the construction were passing now was nothing more than the orange and white barrels decorating the road and giving you less room to swerve....so...the only smart thing to do would be to get off on the next exit right?....
the next exit that came up was a darker than the highway....it was a winding exit and i didnt see ANY sign of life, animals, UFO's ...nothing...it looked like a trap to the Last House on the Left.....i pushed the pedal to the floor and we zoomed past.....laughing.....
....the next exit, which was roughly, 10-15 miles away....same deal....pedal to medal time again.....we probably drove an extra 30 miles just looking for an exit to get off on that had lights, cameras and action.....
...finally we pull up at a station and got out to go find out where we were....the men, one in a country boy hat, probably laughed hard at us after we left....they told us to head 'BACK TO CHICAGO' and catch the highway from there...and the rest of this story will be cont later...
my hands hurt from typing and i've had virtually 3 hours of sleep in the last 24 hours.
BUT make sure you come back for part two, which will chronicle us making it home six and a half hours later, witnessing a UFO or something very eerily similar to it and my struggle to stay awake...oh...and a video of it all while on the road...which by itself is chucked full of humor...love ya'll
*and if my pen should run out of ink, i will purchase a new one*
i got home this morning at 630.....when i saw the first sign that said 465 i almost pulled the car over and proceeded to get out and kiss the ground.....i was so sleepy that i literally think i fell asleep while driving, all with my eyes open and carrying on a conversation that went from my troublesome relationship with a nonsupportive boyfriend who i am still in love with to touring, to semi trucks and how often their wheels fall off....lol....
when we left chicago, it was 1am ...130 at the latest....my sister in names, Kendria aka KLove who is a PHENOMENAL POET!!! if you like me, trust me and check her out....she did three poems last night that were the epitome of greatness and i am officially a new fan...i only wish i could have afforded to purchase her cd...i actually meant to suggest a trade, but somehow i forgot...
but i digress...
KLove showed us the way to the highway home....the highway....wow....a combo pack of I90 and I94....one of them takes you to indianapolis, one of them takes you to detroit...both will lead you to indiana, one just happens to lead you to michigan .....the one that led to michigan, of course, is the one we took.....
what does it matter who was driving (me) or how we missed it.....all i know, is we had been rolling...making good time, hitting miles by the dozens on 80mph.....i was noticing that none of the signs said Indianapolis....and that the scenery wasnt very familiar....and considering we came and left in one night, i think i could remember at least one building to help guide the way.....but i didnt say anything....mostly due in part to we crossed into Indiana....we, well I, saw signs that said Valparaiso, Michigan City....all cities in indiana, so i was just expecting for indianapolis to show up on the one of the mileage signs...NOPE....after about close to an hour and at least 69 miles worth of driving, we began to come up on a big sign that caught my attention....it was right after we passed michigan city and were having a conversation about being in jail and what jail an ex of mine is in...i was saying i think it was that one....next thing i know, i have to interrupt gabby talking to say, yeah umm.....i dont think we are on the right highway because we just passed a sign that said "welcome to Pure Michigan...."....i was floored.....there was nothing to do but laugh....i mean we had been driving for awhile and keep in mind by this time i was after two am....the road we were on consisted of us and a semi every 15 miles.....it was dark as hell.....gabby says....
"no this has to be the right road because here's all the construction we passed earlier"....lol...i love gabby....i said "gabby....the construction we were on earlier had both directions on one side, traveling in one lane, which is why it was backed up.....(yeah, got caught in a serious traffic jam on the way)....the construction were passing now was nothing more than the orange and white barrels decorating the road and giving you less room to swerve....so...the only smart thing to do would be to get off on the next exit right?....
the next exit that came up was a darker than the highway....it was a winding exit and i didnt see ANY sign of life, animals, UFO's ...nothing...it looked like a trap to the Last House on the Left.....i pushed the pedal to the floor and we zoomed past.....laughing.....
....the next exit, which was roughly, 10-15 miles away....same deal....pedal to medal time again.....we probably drove an extra 30 miles just looking for an exit to get off on that had lights, cameras and action.....
...finally we pull up at a station and got out to go find out where we were....the men, one in a country boy hat, probably laughed hard at us after we left....they told us to head 'BACK TO CHICAGO' and catch the highway from there...and the rest of this story will be cont later...
my hands hurt from typing and i've had virtually 3 hours of sleep in the last 24 hours.
BUT make sure you come back for part two, which will chronicle us making it home six and a half hours later, witnessing a UFO or something very eerily similar to it and my struggle to stay awake...oh...and a video of it all while on the road...which by itself is chucked full of humor...love ya'll
*and if my pen should run out of ink, i will purchase a new one*
9.30.2009
days like today...
days like today are the ones i hate the most....they are the hardest to master....the hardest to get thru....i'm sitting in the art museum, of course, kind of chilling online...i'm a little bit of everywhere, doing a little bit of everything from networking to playing farm town....but my head is like a zig zag of a maze that this little marble is just rolling around in from one corner to the next.....
...i'm thinking....probably too hard...
i had this same kind of day yesterday, but to my surprise, i was able to beat it.....
the problem?
belief...motivation....questions....self esteem.....
every since i made the decision to leave the label i was on, i have traded question for answer a thousand times.....the same question, different answer everytime.....
is this the right thing and can i do this, full time, all the time, successfully???
sometimes i say yes, and sometimes i say no.....usually when i say no, i try to think of at least three different reasons why that's the wrong answer....whether its something someone said or something i know in my heart.....the only reason i ever answer that question with a no is out of fear....fear of losing....fear of not being successful at it....
and i will admit...leaving the label left me with a lot of extra baggage on my shoulder....there are ppl who think i "NEED" certain people in my life in order to be successful at this....there are people who doubt me, and they are as close as next door to me sometimes....there are people who wonder why didnt i choose a different path, be why didnt go straight to college, get a job and become a successful employee with a husband and child or why didnt i stay on the label....
and its funny...
since i left the label, i will say they have been everywhere performing....and that doesnt bother me because i am intentionally not out anywhere...i have turned down opportunities to perform and i just wanna do things my way, with my vision and that be it.....so thats doesnt bother me....
but i am still standing still.....and i have reasoning behind that....mostly monetary reasoning.....so its only days like today that it bothers me....
days where i wish to God i could be sending facebook messages from a different state....by myself.....wishing i didnt have to depend on any one else and i could just get up and go and make shit happen the way i want it to.....thats my ultimate goal....i want to unveil my "alter alter ego" on my birthday....
i guess she would be nsaychable's alter ego.....her name is NinaRoxiee....the rockstar poet....and when i say unveil, i mean i have a whole new set of rules i'm playing by....
i have a whole new attitude that i want to share....and its not a different me or a made up person, its me with out my scared glasses on.....and quiet as kept, nsay still wears a pair of those shades....ninaroxiee will just make a guest appearane hear and there, but what i have in store is much bigger than me...
but...i'm still scared...
nervous
...i've never been really good at networking with ppl until the recent years and even now i'm not the best at it, but i also know it doesnt take much to network....but on days like to day, i'm scared ....
i wonder if i can do it....and in my heart i know i can
but days like today are filled with too many what if's to ignore completely.....
...i'll be honest....cause as i have said...this is an honest blog....i have thought many a nights about pulling out the black trashbag in my dining room closet.....i still have at least 50 outfits, so to speak....at least 2 pairs of heels...i could easily fall off in someone's club and make some money....money is the central issue of all my problems....it is the force holding me back from pursuing what i want to do so that i can fail....with the absence of money, i am able to focus more time on creating new questions instead of better luck next time's....
yesterday i put in about five applications at the mall.....i imagined myself working in retail and almost through up in my mouth a little bit....but i would and am willing to do it....even though i KNOW it aint paying nothing....its paying more than what i'm making now....after i left out of every store, i felt defeated....as if my application would go unnoticed....i put open in every single box from desired pay to weekly schedule....i agreed to work nights and weekends, which are the times i need free....but since im on hiatus, what does it matter.....its all part of the mission....the journey...
right?
i even dressed cute and stylish so to look the part....gave my app to at least one manager of a store i am frequent shopper at and she didnt even flinch....i wondered would i ever hear from these people....i wondered when i call them, cause i will call them next week, what will happen....its hard to feel so damn defeated....like there isn't a win situation about to take place....
and on days like today, its hard not to let it bother me....
its hard to stay out of them damn stripper heels and to be honest...if i even thought that i could deal with strange hands rubbing on me again for measily dollar bills, i would.....i would sacrifice whatever respect i might be up for losing and just write a poem about it...i would go....but i know me and the person i was then is not who i am now and i know the things that go on in the club and i can't deal with it...i would be done flipped out on someone, seriously....
but that doesnt stop me from thinking about it....hitting the club, making a few dollars, then stopping by the open mic to do Promised Land....go figure....i could easily pay for the studio or getting my book out....i could cut a lot of stress from my mind....i could get off food stamps which has its own silent way of degrading me...
....my lights are going to be turned off at any moment....
any...once they are off, i'm just leaving...i went for assistance and got fifty bucks....too bad my bill was more than that....ha....today i thought about doing some cold sales of my cd...i thought about going to midtown on sunday with cd's that had unreleased material on them and selling them....but i would feel too much like i had a motive for being there and ppl wouldnt like it.....
i'm having a bad day....this part of the journey is known as the "the struggle".....
and i dont have a doubt in my mind that i will make it out of it...i have before....thru much worse....but being in it makes you feel like there is no way out....no up....
no progress.....
today i feel defeated....i am an artist with high hopes and big dreams, but today i feel defeated....i feel shit out of luck....and them stripper shoes keep calling me...they promise to help me land on my feet..
wow...and thats the most legal of the things i have considered....
no shame here....i'm down...tomorrow i will probably be back up and running....
its just days like this that make me feel like my pen will run out of ink before i can get my feet back on solid, unshaky grounds.
nsay
...i'm thinking....probably too hard...
i had this same kind of day yesterday, but to my surprise, i was able to beat it.....
the problem?
belief...motivation....questions....self esteem.....
every since i made the decision to leave the label i was on, i have traded question for answer a thousand times.....the same question, different answer everytime.....
is this the right thing and can i do this, full time, all the time, successfully???
sometimes i say yes, and sometimes i say no.....usually when i say no, i try to think of at least three different reasons why that's the wrong answer....whether its something someone said or something i know in my heart.....the only reason i ever answer that question with a no is out of fear....fear of losing....fear of not being successful at it....
and i will admit...leaving the label left me with a lot of extra baggage on my shoulder....there are ppl who think i "NEED" certain people in my life in order to be successful at this....there are people who doubt me, and they are as close as next door to me sometimes....there are people who wonder why didnt i choose a different path, be why didnt go straight to college, get a job and become a successful employee with a husband and child or why didnt i stay on the label....
and its funny...
since i left the label, i will say they have been everywhere performing....and that doesnt bother me because i am intentionally not out anywhere...i have turned down opportunities to perform and i just wanna do things my way, with my vision and that be it.....so thats doesnt bother me....
but i am still standing still.....and i have reasoning behind that....mostly monetary reasoning.....so its only days like today that it bothers me....
days where i wish to God i could be sending facebook messages from a different state....by myself.....wishing i didnt have to depend on any one else and i could just get up and go and make shit happen the way i want it to.....thats my ultimate goal....i want to unveil my "alter alter ego" on my birthday....
i guess she would be nsaychable's alter ego.....her name is NinaRoxiee....the rockstar poet....and when i say unveil, i mean i have a whole new set of rules i'm playing by....
i have a whole new attitude that i want to share....and its not a different me or a made up person, its me with out my scared glasses on.....and quiet as kept, nsay still wears a pair of those shades....ninaroxiee will just make a guest appearane hear and there, but what i have in store is much bigger than me...
but...i'm still scared...
nervous
...i've never been really good at networking with ppl until the recent years and even now i'm not the best at it, but i also know it doesnt take much to network....but on days like to day, i'm scared ....
i wonder if i can do it....and in my heart i know i can
but days like today are filled with too many what if's to ignore completely.....
...i'll be honest....cause as i have said...this is an honest blog....i have thought many a nights about pulling out the black trashbag in my dining room closet.....i still have at least 50 outfits, so to speak....at least 2 pairs of heels...i could easily fall off in someone's club and make some money....money is the central issue of all my problems....it is the force holding me back from pursuing what i want to do so that i can fail....with the absence of money, i am able to focus more time on creating new questions instead of better luck next time's....
yesterday i put in about five applications at the mall.....i imagined myself working in retail and almost through up in my mouth a little bit....but i would and am willing to do it....even though i KNOW it aint paying nothing....its paying more than what i'm making now....after i left out of every store, i felt defeated....as if my application would go unnoticed....i put open in every single box from desired pay to weekly schedule....i agreed to work nights and weekends, which are the times i need free....but since im on hiatus, what does it matter.....its all part of the mission....the journey...
right?
i even dressed cute and stylish so to look the part....gave my app to at least one manager of a store i am frequent shopper at and she didnt even flinch....i wondered would i ever hear from these people....i wondered when i call them, cause i will call them next week, what will happen....its hard to feel so damn defeated....like there isn't a win situation about to take place....
and on days like today, its hard not to let it bother me....
its hard to stay out of them damn stripper heels and to be honest...if i even thought that i could deal with strange hands rubbing on me again for measily dollar bills, i would.....i would sacrifice whatever respect i might be up for losing and just write a poem about it...i would go....but i know me and the person i was then is not who i am now and i know the things that go on in the club and i can't deal with it...i would be done flipped out on someone, seriously....
but that doesnt stop me from thinking about it....hitting the club, making a few dollars, then stopping by the open mic to do Promised Land....go figure....i could easily pay for the studio or getting my book out....i could cut a lot of stress from my mind....i could get off food stamps which has its own silent way of degrading me...
....my lights are going to be turned off at any moment....
any...once they are off, i'm just leaving...i went for assistance and got fifty bucks....too bad my bill was more than that....ha....today i thought about doing some cold sales of my cd...i thought about going to midtown on sunday with cd's that had unreleased material on them and selling them....but i would feel too much like i had a motive for being there and ppl wouldnt like it.....
i'm having a bad day....this part of the journey is known as the "the struggle".....
and i dont have a doubt in my mind that i will make it out of it...i have before....thru much worse....but being in it makes you feel like there is no way out....no up....
no progress.....
today i feel defeated....i am an artist with high hopes and big dreams, but today i feel defeated....i feel shit out of luck....and them stripper shoes keep calling me...they promise to help me land on my feet..
wow...and thats the most legal of the things i have considered....
no shame here....i'm down...tomorrow i will probably be back up and running....
its just days like this that make me feel like my pen will run out of ink before i can get my feet back on solid, unshaky grounds.
nsay
9.19.2009
The House Jack and Jill Built
it is 648 pm and i am at panera bread watching as the sun makes it transition to begin a downward spiral....its a saturday and for the first time in years, i plan on hitting a club tonight...just to let my hair down and release some of the tension that has me so wound up....i am beginning a new journey....or should i say...i have begun a new journey....
just over a week ago, maybe longer, i made a decision that would impact me in ways i was yet unprepared for. After two years, i left the label that gave me my head start in this poetry game. This wasnt a decision that was made overnight. This wasn't some thing that i thought of once or made in a split second. This was something that had begun its creation months before and no matter how hard i tried to miscarry it, it was birthed after careful consideration. I was not only ending a business relationship. I was ending a friendship. Something that was even more dear to me. I have endured quite a bit during this relationship me and John Doe had together. While it wasnt the sexually charged relationship that lots of people thought it was and that i admit i dreamed of once or twice, it was for purposes a relationship. One filled with love. Respect. Concern. Honor. Had we been attracted to each other in that way, maybe we would have been a brilliant at home team.
But in all honesty, i never looked at him like that. And i'm pretty sure he never looked at me like that. Well...this is going to be the most honest blog i've ever had. This blog is about my journey and this story is the beginning of this new journey i'm on, so i'm going to keep it real. A couple of those dreams seemed real....and i must say a couple of times i saw him and wondered a bit. Let my daydreams float away with us together having grown folks fun, but for what its worth, thats not what i wanted. It never was. Had it have been, i would have went after it. I mean when i want it, i go for it. But that would have complicated us in bad ways and after all was said and done, we seemed to end up complicated anyway, so one can't help but to think, we should have just screwed each other and at least we would have had an orgasm to remember.
But he was my brother. He wasn't even my brother. He was more than that. He fell just under boyfriend but above brother, because in my life, being my brother was really nothing big to me. I had a brother...who had the same keep it moving disease my dad had, so being alotted a brotherly title didnt mean much of anything. He was my partner. I guess....can't really find a word for us.....we just seemed to have this connection built by our drive and dedication and it seemed like a perfect fit.
But somewhere
like always
things went astray. Without going into the details, because this would be the longest blog EVER, we broke up. Or i broke up with him. I left him, and his label. I felt like i was on his frontburner but he had the eye off. Somewhere, communication got lost. Which in my life, communication has always been a big big issue. We fell apart on the steps of the house we were building. And at one point, it was just us building this house. But in the blink of an eye, there were people moving there furniture in, but WE (notice i said we) were still hanging drywall. So i left. I felt like it would be best for me to tackle the rest of this journey alone and allow the label to grow into whatever its growing into without me. No hard feelings right?
Wrong.
This last week or two has been crazy. From sending and receiving subliminals, looking for accurate shoulders to lean on and listening to the shoulders discuss the tears that were dropped on them before i got to them was disheartening. I have become a shell of confusion, mistrust and pain. The people that i once looked at as my brothers, the same word that holds little meaning, but i forced meaning into it because these guys needed a named-role in my life and by far, and they weren't what "we" were, but they were special....so i called them brothers with the thought that they were attempting to rewrite its meaning for me, all turned into people that i stopped trusting. No one called.
emailed
texted...but my phone is off so go figure.
or anything else.....and that hurt....its like the house turned into the frat and they were more than happy to see me go.....and that was funny because some of the things that brought me to the decision i made, were about other people....here i am hurting and pissed off for others, and those others didnt even bother to say happy trails bitch!!!....
that hurt.
but more than that...he hurt me.....and he doesnt know how he hurt me because i havent told him yet....but he did.....and though i've extended the invite for us to discuss where we went wrong, i am dying on the inside at the thought of his ego jumping in and RSVP'ing a "no" to my invitation.....
and it hurts to admit that.....
but it is what it is....
but what all of this is....is a journey....i have butterfly wings on my back and at some point i plan on these very wings to take flight.....i have been told by too many people, Taalam Acey (not to be name dropping, but i mean damn) being one of them, that i have the talent. That i can do this....and if all these other people out here are able to do it, why shouldnt i open these wings and fly away...i never wanted to be grounded in indy...i want to move around....i feel like so many people DONT believe in me...they want me to settle for what they want for me...but i'm only willing to settle for the agreement i thought me and God had...
i am a free spirit that wants to touch the smallest of lives in the most deserted places....and this blog will chronicle it all....not only for your reading pleasure....but for my pleasure...the minute i have nothing to blog about, is the minute i need to be grinding....
but still
i'm missing him with each step i take....wishing we could rewrite our ending, but appreciating our beginning....
our beginning was my beginning.....last night was the first time i didnt do a show with the label and i wondered just about every five minutes if any of them were missing me like i was them....
and him....
i wondered if he put his best foot forward to hide the pain or if he no longer feels any....cause he had to feel something....i dont deny he cared and cares about me....we just started reading from two different books...thats all...we had a great run together....i think our friendship deserved more from the both of us...i dont want to just throw blame like im guilt free....i may not be.....
but i'm hurting....no facades....not doing this or saying this for paparrazi points....
its honest....
but i'm moving on....and it should be an interesting move....i have to rebuild my house....
this time its a solo spot....
maybe a condo....or a loft....but the good thing is i already have the tools....
so shall i build?
..."and if my pen should run out of ink before i awake, i pray my Lord takes my soul to a peaceful place, and lets my writings rest on the necessary shoulders so i will relive thru the tears of left behind loved ones."
just over a week ago, maybe longer, i made a decision that would impact me in ways i was yet unprepared for. After two years, i left the label that gave me my head start in this poetry game. This wasnt a decision that was made overnight. This wasn't some thing that i thought of once or made in a split second. This was something that had begun its creation months before and no matter how hard i tried to miscarry it, it was birthed after careful consideration. I was not only ending a business relationship. I was ending a friendship. Something that was even more dear to me. I have endured quite a bit during this relationship me and John Doe had together. While it wasnt the sexually charged relationship that lots of people thought it was and that i admit i dreamed of once or twice, it was for purposes a relationship. One filled with love. Respect. Concern. Honor. Had we been attracted to each other in that way, maybe we would have been a brilliant at home team.
But in all honesty, i never looked at him like that. And i'm pretty sure he never looked at me like that. Well...this is going to be the most honest blog i've ever had. This blog is about my journey and this story is the beginning of this new journey i'm on, so i'm going to keep it real. A couple of those dreams seemed real....and i must say a couple of times i saw him and wondered a bit. Let my daydreams float away with us together having grown folks fun, but for what its worth, thats not what i wanted. It never was. Had it have been, i would have went after it. I mean when i want it, i go for it. But that would have complicated us in bad ways and after all was said and done, we seemed to end up complicated anyway, so one can't help but to think, we should have just screwed each other and at least we would have had an orgasm to remember.
But he was my brother. He wasn't even my brother. He was more than that. He fell just under boyfriend but above brother, because in my life, being my brother was really nothing big to me. I had a brother...who had the same keep it moving disease my dad had, so being alotted a brotherly title didnt mean much of anything. He was my partner. I guess....can't really find a word for us.....we just seemed to have this connection built by our drive and dedication and it seemed like a perfect fit.
But somewhere
like always
things went astray. Without going into the details, because this would be the longest blog EVER, we broke up. Or i broke up with him. I left him, and his label. I felt like i was on his frontburner but he had the eye off. Somewhere, communication got lost. Which in my life, communication has always been a big big issue. We fell apart on the steps of the house we were building. And at one point, it was just us building this house. But in the blink of an eye, there were people moving there furniture in, but WE (notice i said we) were still hanging drywall. So i left. I felt like it would be best for me to tackle the rest of this journey alone and allow the label to grow into whatever its growing into without me. No hard feelings right?
Wrong.
This last week or two has been crazy. From sending and receiving subliminals, looking for accurate shoulders to lean on and listening to the shoulders discuss the tears that were dropped on them before i got to them was disheartening. I have become a shell of confusion, mistrust and pain. The people that i once looked at as my brothers, the same word that holds little meaning, but i forced meaning into it because these guys needed a named-role in my life and by far, and they weren't what "we" were, but they were special....so i called them brothers with the thought that they were attempting to rewrite its meaning for me, all turned into people that i stopped trusting. No one called.
emailed
texted...but my phone is off so go figure.
or anything else.....and that hurt....its like the house turned into the frat and they were more than happy to see me go.....and that was funny because some of the things that brought me to the decision i made, were about other people....here i am hurting and pissed off for others, and those others didnt even bother to say happy trails bitch!!!....
that hurt.
but more than that...he hurt me.....and he doesnt know how he hurt me because i havent told him yet....but he did.....and though i've extended the invite for us to discuss where we went wrong, i am dying on the inside at the thought of his ego jumping in and RSVP'ing a "no" to my invitation.....
and it hurts to admit that.....
but it is what it is....
but what all of this is....is a journey....i have butterfly wings on my back and at some point i plan on these very wings to take flight.....i have been told by too many people, Taalam Acey (not to be name dropping, but i mean damn) being one of them, that i have the talent. That i can do this....and if all these other people out here are able to do it, why shouldnt i open these wings and fly away...i never wanted to be grounded in indy...i want to move around....i feel like so many people DONT believe in me...they want me to settle for what they want for me...but i'm only willing to settle for the agreement i thought me and God had...
i am a free spirit that wants to touch the smallest of lives in the most deserted places....and this blog will chronicle it all....not only for your reading pleasure....but for my pleasure...the minute i have nothing to blog about, is the minute i need to be grinding....
but still
i'm missing him with each step i take....wishing we could rewrite our ending, but appreciating our beginning....
our beginning was my beginning.....last night was the first time i didnt do a show with the label and i wondered just about every five minutes if any of them were missing me like i was them....
and him....
i wondered if he put his best foot forward to hide the pain or if he no longer feels any....cause he had to feel something....i dont deny he cared and cares about me....we just started reading from two different books...thats all...we had a great run together....i think our friendship deserved more from the both of us...i dont want to just throw blame like im guilt free....i may not be.....
but i'm hurting....no facades....not doing this or saying this for paparrazi points....
its honest....
but i'm moving on....and it should be an interesting move....i have to rebuild my house....
this time its a solo spot....
maybe a condo....or a loft....but the good thing is i already have the tools....
so shall i build?
..."and if my pen should run out of ink before i awake, i pray my Lord takes my soul to a peaceful place, and lets my writings rest on the necessary shoulders so i will relive thru the tears of left behind loved ones."
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