days like today are the ones i hate the most....they are the hardest to master....the hardest to get thru....i'm sitting in the art museum, of course, kind of chilling online...i'm a little bit of everywhere, doing a little bit of everything from networking to playing farm town....but my head is like a zig zag of a maze that this little marble is just rolling around in from one corner to the next.....
...i'm thinking....probably too hard...
i had this same kind of day yesterday, but to my surprise, i was able to beat it.....
the problem?
belief...motivation....questions....self esteem.....
every since i made the decision to leave the label i was on, i have traded question for answer a thousand times.....the same question, different answer everytime.....
is this the right thing and can i do this, full time, all the time, successfully???
sometimes i say yes, and sometimes i say no.....usually when i say no, i try to think of at least three different reasons why that's the wrong answer....whether its something someone said or something i know in my heart.....the only reason i ever answer that question with a no is out of fear....fear of losing....fear of not being successful at it....
and i will admit...leaving the label left me with a lot of extra baggage on my shoulder....there are ppl who think i "NEED" certain people in my life in order to be successful at this....there are people who doubt me, and they are as close as next door to me sometimes....there are people who wonder why didnt i choose a different path, be why didnt go straight to college, get a job and become a successful employee with a husband and child or why didnt i stay on the label....
and its funny...
since i left the label, i will say they have been everywhere performing....and that doesnt bother me because i am intentionally not out anywhere...i have turned down opportunities to perform and i just wanna do things my way, with my vision and that be it.....so thats doesnt bother me....
but i am still standing still.....and i have reasoning behind that....mostly monetary reasoning.....so its only days like today that it bothers me....
days where i wish to God i could be sending facebook messages from a different state....by myself.....wishing i didnt have to depend on any one else and i could just get up and go and make shit happen the way i want it to.....thats my ultimate goal....i want to unveil my "alter alter ego" on my birthday....
i guess she would be nsaychable's alter ego.....her name is NinaRoxiee....the rockstar poet....and when i say unveil, i mean i have a whole new set of rules i'm playing by....
i have a whole new attitude that i want to share....and its not a different me or a made up person, its me with out my scared glasses on.....and quiet as kept, nsay still wears a pair of those shades....ninaroxiee will just make a guest appearane hear and there, but what i have in store is much bigger than me...
but...i'm still scared...
nervous
...i've never been really good at networking with ppl until the recent years and even now i'm not the best at it, but i also know it doesnt take much to network....but on days like to day, i'm scared ....
i wonder if i can do it....and in my heart i know i can
but days like today are filled with too many what if's to ignore completely.....
...i'll be honest....cause as i have said...this is an honest blog....i have thought many a nights about pulling out the black trashbag in my dining room closet.....i still have at least 50 outfits, so to speak....at least 2 pairs of heels...i could easily fall off in someone's club and make some money....money is the central issue of all my problems....it is the force holding me back from pursuing what i want to do so that i can fail....with the absence of money, i am able to focus more time on creating new questions instead of better luck next time's....
yesterday i put in about five applications at the mall.....i imagined myself working in retail and almost through up in my mouth a little bit....but i would and am willing to do it....even though i KNOW it aint paying nothing....its paying more than what i'm making now....after i left out of every store, i felt defeated....as if my application would go unnoticed....i put open in every single box from desired pay to weekly schedule....i agreed to work nights and weekends, which are the times i need free....but since im on hiatus, what does it matter.....its all part of the mission....the journey...
right?
i even dressed cute and stylish so to look the part....gave my app to at least one manager of a store i am frequent shopper at and she didnt even flinch....i wondered would i ever hear from these people....i wondered when i call them, cause i will call them next week, what will happen....its hard to feel so damn defeated....like there isn't a win situation about to take place....
and on days like today, its hard not to let it bother me....
its hard to stay out of them damn stripper heels and to be honest...if i even thought that i could deal with strange hands rubbing on me again for measily dollar bills, i would.....i would sacrifice whatever respect i might be up for losing and just write a poem about it...i would go....but i know me and the person i was then is not who i am now and i know the things that go on in the club and i can't deal with it...i would be done flipped out on someone, seriously....
but that doesnt stop me from thinking about it....hitting the club, making a few dollars, then stopping by the open mic to do Promised Land....go figure....i could easily pay for the studio or getting my book out....i could cut a lot of stress from my mind....i could get off food stamps which has its own silent way of degrading me...
....my lights are going to be turned off at any moment....
any...once they are off, i'm just leaving...i went for assistance and got fifty bucks....too bad my bill was more than that....ha....today i thought about doing some cold sales of my cd...i thought about going to midtown on sunday with cd's that had unreleased material on them and selling them....but i would feel too much like i had a motive for being there and ppl wouldnt like it.....
i'm having a bad day....this part of the journey is known as the "the struggle".....
and i dont have a doubt in my mind that i will make it out of it...i have before....thru much worse....but being in it makes you feel like there is no way out....no up....
no progress.....
today i feel defeated....i am an artist with high hopes and big dreams, but today i feel defeated....i feel shit out of luck....and them stripper shoes keep calling me...they promise to help me land on my feet..
wow...and thats the most legal of the things i have considered....
no shame here....i'm down...tomorrow i will probably be back up and running....
its just days like this that make me feel like my pen will run out of ink before i can get my feet back on solid, unshaky grounds.
nsay
Showing posts with label moving on. Show all posts
Showing posts with label moving on. Show all posts
9.30.2009
9.19.2009
The House Jack and Jill Built
it is 648 pm and i am at panera bread watching as the sun makes it transition to begin a downward spiral....its a saturday and for the first time in years, i plan on hitting a club tonight...just to let my hair down and release some of the tension that has me so wound up....i am beginning a new journey....or should i say...i have begun a new journey....
just over a week ago, maybe longer, i made a decision that would impact me in ways i was yet unprepared for. After two years, i left the label that gave me my head start in this poetry game. This wasnt a decision that was made overnight. This wasn't some thing that i thought of once or made in a split second. This was something that had begun its creation months before and no matter how hard i tried to miscarry it, it was birthed after careful consideration. I was not only ending a business relationship. I was ending a friendship. Something that was even more dear to me. I have endured quite a bit during this relationship me and John Doe had together. While it wasnt the sexually charged relationship that lots of people thought it was and that i admit i dreamed of once or twice, it was for purposes a relationship. One filled with love. Respect. Concern. Honor. Had we been attracted to each other in that way, maybe we would have been a brilliant at home team.
But in all honesty, i never looked at him like that. And i'm pretty sure he never looked at me like that. Well...this is going to be the most honest blog i've ever had. This blog is about my journey and this story is the beginning of this new journey i'm on, so i'm going to keep it real. A couple of those dreams seemed real....and i must say a couple of times i saw him and wondered a bit. Let my daydreams float away with us together having grown folks fun, but for what its worth, thats not what i wanted. It never was. Had it have been, i would have went after it. I mean when i want it, i go for it. But that would have complicated us in bad ways and after all was said and done, we seemed to end up complicated anyway, so one can't help but to think, we should have just screwed each other and at least we would have had an orgasm to remember.
But he was my brother. He wasn't even my brother. He was more than that. He fell just under boyfriend but above brother, because in my life, being my brother was really nothing big to me. I had a brother...who had the same keep it moving disease my dad had, so being alotted a brotherly title didnt mean much of anything. He was my partner. I guess....can't really find a word for us.....we just seemed to have this connection built by our drive and dedication and it seemed like a perfect fit.
But somewhere
like always
things went astray. Without going into the details, because this would be the longest blog EVER, we broke up. Or i broke up with him. I left him, and his label. I felt like i was on his frontburner but he had the eye off. Somewhere, communication got lost. Which in my life, communication has always been a big big issue. We fell apart on the steps of the house we were building. And at one point, it was just us building this house. But in the blink of an eye, there were people moving there furniture in, but WE (notice i said we) were still hanging drywall. So i left. I felt like it would be best for me to tackle the rest of this journey alone and allow the label to grow into whatever its growing into without me. No hard feelings right?
Wrong.
This last week or two has been crazy. From sending and receiving subliminals, looking for accurate shoulders to lean on and listening to the shoulders discuss the tears that were dropped on them before i got to them was disheartening. I have become a shell of confusion, mistrust and pain. The people that i once looked at as my brothers, the same word that holds little meaning, but i forced meaning into it because these guys needed a named-role in my life and by far, and they weren't what "we" were, but they were special....so i called them brothers with the thought that they were attempting to rewrite its meaning for me, all turned into people that i stopped trusting. No one called.
emailed
texted...but my phone is off so go figure.
or anything else.....and that hurt....its like the house turned into the frat and they were more than happy to see me go.....and that was funny because some of the things that brought me to the decision i made, were about other people....here i am hurting and pissed off for others, and those others didnt even bother to say happy trails bitch!!!....
that hurt.
but more than that...he hurt me.....and he doesnt know how he hurt me because i havent told him yet....but he did.....and though i've extended the invite for us to discuss where we went wrong, i am dying on the inside at the thought of his ego jumping in and RSVP'ing a "no" to my invitation.....
and it hurts to admit that.....
but it is what it is....
but what all of this is....is a journey....i have butterfly wings on my back and at some point i plan on these very wings to take flight.....i have been told by too many people, Taalam Acey (not to be name dropping, but i mean damn) being one of them, that i have the talent. That i can do this....and if all these other people out here are able to do it, why shouldnt i open these wings and fly away...i never wanted to be grounded in indy...i want to move around....i feel like so many people DONT believe in me...they want me to settle for what they want for me...but i'm only willing to settle for the agreement i thought me and God had...
i am a free spirit that wants to touch the smallest of lives in the most deserted places....and this blog will chronicle it all....not only for your reading pleasure....but for my pleasure...the minute i have nothing to blog about, is the minute i need to be grinding....
but still
i'm missing him with each step i take....wishing we could rewrite our ending, but appreciating our beginning....
our beginning was my beginning.....last night was the first time i didnt do a show with the label and i wondered just about every five minutes if any of them were missing me like i was them....
and him....
i wondered if he put his best foot forward to hide the pain or if he no longer feels any....cause he had to feel something....i dont deny he cared and cares about me....we just started reading from two different books...thats all...we had a great run together....i think our friendship deserved more from the both of us...i dont want to just throw blame like im guilt free....i may not be.....
but i'm hurting....no facades....not doing this or saying this for paparrazi points....
its honest....
but i'm moving on....and it should be an interesting move....i have to rebuild my house....
this time its a solo spot....
maybe a condo....or a loft....but the good thing is i already have the tools....
so shall i build?
..."and if my pen should run out of ink before i awake, i pray my Lord takes my soul to a peaceful place, and lets my writings rest on the necessary shoulders so i will relive thru the tears of left behind loved ones."
just over a week ago, maybe longer, i made a decision that would impact me in ways i was yet unprepared for. After two years, i left the label that gave me my head start in this poetry game. This wasnt a decision that was made overnight. This wasn't some thing that i thought of once or made in a split second. This was something that had begun its creation months before and no matter how hard i tried to miscarry it, it was birthed after careful consideration. I was not only ending a business relationship. I was ending a friendship. Something that was even more dear to me. I have endured quite a bit during this relationship me and John Doe had together. While it wasnt the sexually charged relationship that lots of people thought it was and that i admit i dreamed of once or twice, it was for purposes a relationship. One filled with love. Respect. Concern. Honor. Had we been attracted to each other in that way, maybe we would have been a brilliant at home team.
But in all honesty, i never looked at him like that. And i'm pretty sure he never looked at me like that. Well...this is going to be the most honest blog i've ever had. This blog is about my journey and this story is the beginning of this new journey i'm on, so i'm going to keep it real. A couple of those dreams seemed real....and i must say a couple of times i saw him and wondered a bit. Let my daydreams float away with us together having grown folks fun, but for what its worth, thats not what i wanted. It never was. Had it have been, i would have went after it. I mean when i want it, i go for it. But that would have complicated us in bad ways and after all was said and done, we seemed to end up complicated anyway, so one can't help but to think, we should have just screwed each other and at least we would have had an orgasm to remember.
But he was my brother. He wasn't even my brother. He was more than that. He fell just under boyfriend but above brother, because in my life, being my brother was really nothing big to me. I had a brother...who had the same keep it moving disease my dad had, so being alotted a brotherly title didnt mean much of anything. He was my partner. I guess....can't really find a word for us.....we just seemed to have this connection built by our drive and dedication and it seemed like a perfect fit.
But somewhere
like always
things went astray. Without going into the details, because this would be the longest blog EVER, we broke up. Or i broke up with him. I left him, and his label. I felt like i was on his frontburner but he had the eye off. Somewhere, communication got lost. Which in my life, communication has always been a big big issue. We fell apart on the steps of the house we were building. And at one point, it was just us building this house. But in the blink of an eye, there were people moving there furniture in, but WE (notice i said we) were still hanging drywall. So i left. I felt like it would be best for me to tackle the rest of this journey alone and allow the label to grow into whatever its growing into without me. No hard feelings right?
Wrong.
This last week or two has been crazy. From sending and receiving subliminals, looking for accurate shoulders to lean on and listening to the shoulders discuss the tears that were dropped on them before i got to them was disheartening. I have become a shell of confusion, mistrust and pain. The people that i once looked at as my brothers, the same word that holds little meaning, but i forced meaning into it because these guys needed a named-role in my life and by far, and they weren't what "we" were, but they were special....so i called them brothers with the thought that they were attempting to rewrite its meaning for me, all turned into people that i stopped trusting. No one called.
emailed
texted...but my phone is off so go figure.
or anything else.....and that hurt....its like the house turned into the frat and they were more than happy to see me go.....and that was funny because some of the things that brought me to the decision i made, were about other people....here i am hurting and pissed off for others, and those others didnt even bother to say happy trails bitch!!!....
that hurt.
but more than that...he hurt me.....and he doesnt know how he hurt me because i havent told him yet....but he did.....and though i've extended the invite for us to discuss where we went wrong, i am dying on the inside at the thought of his ego jumping in and RSVP'ing a "no" to my invitation.....
and it hurts to admit that.....
but it is what it is....
but what all of this is....is a journey....i have butterfly wings on my back and at some point i plan on these very wings to take flight.....i have been told by too many people, Taalam Acey (not to be name dropping, but i mean damn) being one of them, that i have the talent. That i can do this....and if all these other people out here are able to do it, why shouldnt i open these wings and fly away...i never wanted to be grounded in indy...i want to move around....i feel like so many people DONT believe in me...they want me to settle for what they want for me...but i'm only willing to settle for the agreement i thought me and God had...
i am a free spirit that wants to touch the smallest of lives in the most deserted places....and this blog will chronicle it all....not only for your reading pleasure....but for my pleasure...the minute i have nothing to blog about, is the minute i need to be grinding....
but still
i'm missing him with each step i take....wishing we could rewrite our ending, but appreciating our beginning....
our beginning was my beginning.....last night was the first time i didnt do a show with the label and i wondered just about every five minutes if any of them were missing me like i was them....
and him....
i wondered if he put his best foot forward to hide the pain or if he no longer feels any....cause he had to feel something....i dont deny he cared and cares about me....we just started reading from two different books...thats all...we had a great run together....i think our friendship deserved more from the both of us...i dont want to just throw blame like im guilt free....i may not be.....
but i'm hurting....no facades....not doing this or saying this for paparrazi points....
its honest....
but i'm moving on....and it should be an interesting move....i have to rebuild my house....
this time its a solo spot....
maybe a condo....or a loft....but the good thing is i already have the tools....
so shall i build?
..."and if my pen should run out of ink before i awake, i pray my Lord takes my soul to a peaceful place, and lets my writings rest on the necessary shoulders so i will relive thru the tears of left behind loved ones."
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