The eXquisite Pain.

I didn’t blog at all, all weekend long.  I thought that daily, I would have something to say about the mixture and development of all the emotions I’m feeling right now, but the truth is, I didn’t.  I changed from an occasional outing to staring at the laptop, attempting to wheel this show into my head and out onto paper but I ended up with nothing.

which is where I am still at…..I have a shell of a show. …literally….the entrance and exit are great, but the meat of the show, is raw than a mug man…..lol…..but I can’t MAKE anything appear…I gotta just take it as it comes…..so that’s what I’m doing…..its not for lack of trying but it is for lack of ability…I’d be a lie to say I’m worried….YET…..I’m really not…gonna work on it some more tonight after I do a few other things….

man I have so much to do…..SO MUCH….and I have people helping but I still feel really alone….and I know its deeper than all this……its something internal….probably a few things…..I’m so lonely, that it is cutting me, like razor knives, in small slits….

not at the same time either…..just different times, different moments……example: one of the worst cuts was when I was watching the VS fashion show and Adam Levine and his VS Model GF, walked the runway together….he was performing….she was “performing”….both in their element…..together….in front of all these people, live, with music and lights and camera’s and action and millions of people like me, at home watching……when I watched them walk the runway together, I almost teared up…..when they got to the end….and he snuck a kiss on her cheek, and you could tell that it was not “planned'’, the look on her face and in her eyes and in that moment that they each partook in their respective crafts, together, was priceless....it was something you can't get from just anywhere…..

man.

it felt like my heart stopped….or like everything around me went silent and all I could hear was my heart beat crying…..and I looked to my right ……and there was someone next to me….

how could I be THAT moved by something so simple when I’m sitting next to someone? How could I have so much going on with me, such a great accomplishment that I am UBER proud of to say the least, and I have no one to share it with……and I’m ok with not having anyone to share it with….I’m not ok with having no one while having someone while sharing nothing with each other.

where

the

fuck

do

they

do

this

at

?????

you think, what’s the holdup right?

*insert shrug*  ….your typical judgmental Tyra banks talking mofo would say its because I do not love myself.

I say it has NOTHING to do with that. I DO love myself.  Have I not before? Absolutely!!
Do I now?? HELL YES!

this has nothing to do with that.  This is a woman who has always have problems and issues with letting go….moving on…..this is a fearful woman….of so many things….this is a woman who needs to seek a closer relationship with the God she so believes in……a woman who needs a therapist….a woman who loves herself, in the midst of all this…..but is afraid no one else will ever love the real her.

that is as honest as I can get right now. As real as it is.  that is me.  no poems, no stage or pen names…..I’m not an easy person to be     this is partly how my cd came to be…..this is how I am and who I am and I am not afraid of her….still trying to make her grow and sometimes grow up and this is one of my biggest, most detrimental pitfalls…..love, men and the combination of them loving me back.   I’m not about to blame game this….not attempting to say its my dad’s fault (it is) or that I don’t know how to move on from what has happened to me in the past or growing up....I stayed with someone for six years…..and grew into a remarkable woman to be proud of in those six years…..but the woman of year one and the woman of year six are different….in time, age and movements…..

yet neither of them know how to let go of love…..I wring it until its dry and then I chew it to get whatever possible juice is left.  I suck.  I am more than a work in progress. sometimes I am work on pause. …..but I feel so accomplished…..I’m back in school, I’m working, I’m on the verge of something GREAT……people love me…..but “how come when the curtains close and the folks are gone home, I don’t feel that same love from my people, the front rowers of my life” ….

this is not a pity me blog…..this is just me openly and freely exposing the real me, because at this time, on this day, just under 2 weeks before my great cd release party, which I still have to order cds for (long story), THIS, is how I feel….

I am in the throws of the eXquisite Pain. 

how befitting.

-jY