Have you ever been scared to
succeed? Have you ever felt like you had
just been given all the tools and support you needed to succeed and in turn
felt almost as if it was struggle to stay on track? And not for any other reason than it being
second nature for you to fail?
Well that is me. Right now.
I’m there. I’m here.
I’m everywhere.
And I’m scared.
Not cowering-under-the-bed
scared. But more of a nervous
scared. A silent wonder of what ball
will drop and pull the rug from beneath me?
What will happen that will through me off course or better yet, what
will happen that will show & prove to me that this entire time I been
thinking “this is it”, it actually was anything but.
But there is no need to be
alarmed. Not really. This is just life. When we embark on new journey’s, fear is
almost instantaneous. I don’t know that I’m on a “new” journey so much as a
revised one. One that has suffered
several revisions in the course of 8 or so years. But finally, I have realized my place. Somewhat.
I’ve wondered what it was I’m supposed to do with my poetry for SO
fucking long!!!! Am I open mic girl, do I hit the poetry chicken circuit and go
from venue to venue praying ppl to love me enough that the promoters promote me
next time? Do I need to get out of my
comfort zone and try harder to fit with the “in” crowd? Must I slam to gain respect outside of my
city? Do I do colleges? How will colleges reckognize the gem I believe
myself to be? WHERE DO I FIT IN
THIS???????
If you’ve read enough of my blogs,
you have seen (or will see) those very sentiments echoed throughout my history
of blogging this journey. The problem
has always been, all the questions above, have been met with opposing answers,
sans the colleges. I am not gonna ever
be a part of the “in crowd”. …I’ve never been…yet still I’ve come this far…..i’ve
done hard labor hitting open mics nonstop and I will always love and have love
for open mics, regardless of whether or not my physical is present. But I’ve been long convinced that it was
bigger than traveling venue to venue for me.
I’ve received a lot of love from lots of people through the years, but
truth is, I’ve hardly ever received this outpouring of thunderous applause
& love from the audience that makes promoters feel like booking me a second
time. I struggle with feeling forgotten. I feel like I go places, do a good job, maybe sell some cds,
then I’m forgotten about. People don’t
post videos of my performance, they don’t stay in contact or attempt to get me
back unless we are “friends/really cool” of some sort. I’m not complaining, I’m being honest. My point of this honesty, is that kind of
half empty/half full attitude that it leaves me with makes me question what I’m
doing. There is something reviving about hitting the open mics and the truth is, me and quiet self, often can be found laying in the cut and unexpectedly hits the mic, commanding attention. Why wouldn’t I go,
especially out of town? I love to hear
other poets, I love the atmosphere and to be in the same place as such talented
writers. So its not about that. But it is about knowing where I’m supposed to
take MY art and what I’m supposed to do with it. And that is not it. Colleges will always be on my radar. No explanation nec.
So where does that leave me? Looking and wondering what the heck I was
gifted this talent and ability for.
Finally, after crawling, walking, using words that taste like similac
when they roll of my tongue, after standing in front of the firing squad,
refusing to back down, after taking the hits and the bruises, after supporting
all I could in every way I knew how…..after
the heartbreaks, heartaches, blogs, facebooks, after the free cds and the ones
that sold…..after all of this….all these tears, prayers, desires and so forth, I have finally
been gifted the gift of sight. one would have to have experienced first hand the exquisite pain of wanting to know just where the hell you and your talent fit in this world to totally understand the relief of figuring it out. what i have created can't be forgotten. not by me or the ppl who see it and are touched by it. It food for the ego and the soul. Balance.
Just in time for Christmas.
I can see clearly now. As if God stepped out of heaven long enough
to pass me His glasses and said “take a look my child.” Saturday, December 17 was a game
changer. I have this wonderful team of
people behind me that are helping me, assisting me, learning from me and
allowing me to learn from & with them.
You can’t go wrong with a support system. I worked so hard on last Saturday’s show and
to see it all come together and be taken so seriously, so well, made every
single tear that dropped during the performance of SS Dream make sense.
I can see it.
So many, no, make that too many
times I have thought I was loading the Dream Ship. When all I was really doing was getting on
the boat to take me to the ship. But the boat ALWAYS heads in the wrong direction. Where is that left turn at Albuquerque when you need it? I think
my ship has always been in the middle of the ocean; never at the shore. I have tried several times to get on the
ship. A few times I thought I was on it,
a few times I tried swimming towards it, but there are sharks in the water. I’ve even tried bungee jumping on the deck,
but I think the cord either broke and I missed the ship or the person securing
my rope walked off and I plummeted into the ocean. Whatever the case, everytime I have felt THIS secure about
something, it came to pass. Somehow, something always happens to make me either rethink my decisions or i see who/what i counted on for whatever reason drop the ball, i.e., walk away from my Bungee Rope...but now...this time, I
am so secure, so in belief and support of what I know is going to happen, with such solid (and just a few) ppl with me to assist me, that i could close my eyes, jump into the ocean with my nonswimming ass, and back pedal my way to the boat and still get on it dry.
I have found my place
My footing
My balance
My reason to live in NY!!!
I have found so much inside of my very
own life. All the answers have been
write there in front of me this entire time.
The irony of Saturday’s show was that in 2010 when I started back
recording and thought I’d be done soon,
the idea of a one woman show popped up and I started jotting down some notes
and ideas, but of course I lost the focus and forgot the idea. The idea naturally recycled itself and it
wasn’t until I was sitting in front of my laptop waiting on the order of the
show to appear in my head a couple of weeks ago, that I opened a random word
doc and located all my notes from this same exact idea, that I forgot I already
had. It was meant to be.
It was meant to happen.
The response has been
overwhelming. The love has been a
high. The support is magical.
The Broadway lights are so bright in
my head. Every day I will remind myself
that I am going to Broadway. I will not
lose focus of this. I will save the 1st
quarter details for the blog that actually does talk about the party, but lets
just say there is a lot on the horizon.
And I’m scared. Just a lil.
Its not uncharted territory but it is different. It is scary because I feel like I have the
power to make this successful. I am
scared at imagining myself on the Broadway stage, but I can’t reach for
anything less. I’m no one’s actress and
have never wanted to be. But I have
never performed so gracefully honest and powerful as I did Saturday night. I felt it in my soul…..my voice kept reverberating back into my head and I felt
powerful. I only broke character once
and that’s just because I had to. But
the best part is there was little to no acting involved. These poems were all my poems, my life, my
experiences and as much as I want(ed) to turn them into different characters,
it kept rotating back to the person it really was; me. Which made it all the more real. Tell me that doesn’t have Broadway written
all over it.
I will make my own way, my own path
and I will be recognized, respected and loved for it. I am on to something. And as scary as it is, it is the something I’ve
been searching diligently for…..its not about cds. I suck at selling cds. Its not about open mics. I don’t always move the crowd with my poems
because I have a standard for myself that I will always uphold and that is, you
will get what I give you on this stage and if that is not enough, then nothing
else I “could’ve” done would have moved you.
I can’t cater to the crowd or myself; I must find the balance in the
two. If you love Brownstone in Brooklyn,
why can’t you be open enough to listening to Night At the Delta Roxbury and
enjoy it as well. Why must I keep doing
BnB in order to make the night great for us both? Trust me, allow me to take you on a journey
towards upliftment, self love and respect and have fun while doing so. THAT is what I want to do. I do not want to be what you “expect’’. I am a rule breaker. I do not want to be predictable. I’m not an angry poet or a male basher. I’m not an in your face girl or a
singer. I’m just me (Track 2, LDE, get
yours today!!).
This show allows me to be just that:
who I am and what you need and want to hear.
All in one package of power and voice.
No gimmicks.
THIS is Broadway bound. All I can say is don’t wait for it to get
there to see it. I have finally found my
footing.
And I’m scared a lil bit because I know
this is about to take me to that condo that sits just behind where the moon
sleeps and in front of the sun’s rising.
But its not a cowering-under-the-kitchen-cabinet fear. It is a Full Speed Ahead mixture of fear and
excitement that is so far removed from pressing stop. This is what it has been all along. It took 3 years to make because anytime
before now and it wouldn’t have been what it is and/or I wouldn’t have
recognized it as such.
I feel
Free.
Free to plant my feet on the
balance beam.
My first feature, by myself at an Indy open
mic venue, was at Writeon. It was entitled “The Tightrope” .
It was a great show.
I think I specialize at putting together my own shows that
are a mix of old & new, happy & sad poetic musings.
The Tightrope.
I have FINALLY found my balance. And you know what. Its not scary enough. I wanna push the limits even more.
****And if my pen should run out of ink, let it be said that
if you are looking for me and can’t find me…..its probably because I’m
backstage….on Broadway. THIS is why I dream n color.
janYork
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