I’ve spent years worth
of my life fearing the abstract emotions ‘failure’ brings forth. I’ve
tried several different things, excelled at each, and quit them all. ….if
you’ve read this blog, you know about most of them…..from cosmetology where I was
on the path to being one of the next baddest beauticians in the city (my
opinion but it counts) to the most recent, Culinary School, I’ve tried my hand
in various avenues. I’ve attempted to be
“normal”….i want to be a college grad so bad but my desire to keep it moving
versus my desire to finish what I started, which will cost me $850 prove to be
a challenge at what the best thing to do is.
Time is something I am steadily running out of. My days are numbered. Even if I live to be 90, as of midnight, I will
be one day less of what life is left. …..and
I think about that too much…I over think it….i always loved and identified with
Tupac because I felt like I was the female version of him…..i felt like I was
always running from death….always thinking about it, wondering when and how,
who would care and who wouldn’t…..so I just stuck in trying everything and if
it didn’t work or I didn’t like it, I’d bounce.
I learned that from quitting cosmetology and no one reinforced for me
anything different, so subsequently it became the story of my life. Dusting myself off and trying something
different….again. poetry is something
that I believe was put inside of me from the moment my mom was wheeled into
James Whitcomb Riley hospital. ….from the first day I attended Kindergarten at
his school and then reinforced again when I had to pick someone to do a book
report on in the 4th grade and I picked Phylis Wheatley…I wish I still
had that support…I read about her for so long….i read her poems…I loved reading
her poems, even though I was too young to understand why….looking back, I just
know this was always in the plan…..Cosmetology would have sent me in a
different direction….i wanted to live in Atlanta…..and I would have probably
been there by now….but poetry had something else planned…..and it is the first
thing, in my life, that I have not quit….i just keep going, seven years strong
and I’ve done what started to seem like the impossible; I finished the cd. I’m planning the party, ordering the stuff,
looking for something to wear and ultimately, wondering, almost fearing,
whether or not it will be a packed house.
THAT scares the hell out of me.
Plain and simple.
My family, God bless
them all, don’t come to my shows. They
don’t really even seem to think about it much.
My aunt mentions coming out from time to time but she doesn’t walk well
and is sick and probably won’t ever attend an actual show. But I know her heart and that matters just as
much. But for the most part, no one
comes out, except her son. There were
two family members at my IMA show; the biggest show I had to date and the best
comeback one could dream of. It meant
so much to have him and his wife there, knowing that not a single one of my
other fam was in the house. My friends
from my youth aren’t at any shows either.
My dad, mom, grandmom- none are there…now, they have seen me perform before,
so its not that they’ve never come. But they
don’t come. Plain and simple. I don’t feel like explaining nothing
else. I’m feeling some kind of way today
and I have been feeling it all day. There
is no one who owns the rights to my heart who is sitting in the front row to
see me. And its SO fucking hurtful. All I can do is internalize it and keep it
moving because I know I’m not the only person who has felt this or gone thru
this. But I’d be a lie if I said I don’t
feel something from that. But I am
greatly compensated by the love of new-friends, aquaintences and co-workers who
appear wherever I am as much as possible.
I am loved by ppl and I KNOW it, I feel it. I can look in the audience and see so many
familiar faces and know that they came to help support me and I feel a world of
difference. When walking to the stage of
my “bigger” shows and appearances, I always feel this sense of ‘I wish’ but
midway thru, I always look out and whether or not they know it or see it, I lock
eyes with the ppl who have supported me for so long and I know I’m going to be
just fine. Maybe I sound needy? Idk.
Today maybe I am. (needy for
legalities)….lol….
I don’t want to talk and talk and talk, but I am venting a
little bit. My cd release soiree is in
one month and I’m terrified that it won’t be many ppl there. That all this build up was for bupkiss…..but I
keep telling myself it will be just fine.
Just lock eyes with those who are there, who are always there and knock
it out the box. Make ppl wish they had’ve
made it ….but today….today is just one of those days….not necessarily a down
day but sorta of a worried day. A
nervous day. Many ppl are working or won’t
be in town and it just seems like I always end up with the best of the
last. Here I am planning this beautiful
soiree and might wind up spending it with less than 20 ppl ? Which then makes me say what kind of impact
am I really making? What does it mean
when someone calls you their favorite?
Do ppl think I will be here forever?
Won’t ppl miss me when I’m gone or do they just love me because I am
here now? Random feelings, I know. But I say all that to say this,
Today …I felt a twinge of fear that has managed to last the
entire days worth. I’m scared ppl aren’t
going make it, either because they can’t or just aren’t interested enough. But after thinking about it for a minute and
after writing this blog, I remembered something…..i am loved. I am loved and respected by many ppl….everyone
won’t always be there to share the nights you deem most important, but that
doesn’t mean the love or care for you any less.
My family doesn’t love me any less just because they don’t show up at my
shows. They might have low respect for
me but that’s another blog, another day….i’ve impacted ppl….if never another
person or a person before, I impacted the teenage girl that walked up to me in
tears at midtown in 08 and told me she knew all the words to Brownstone in
Brooklyn….she asked for my autograph and a hug and said her fam gets tired of
hearing her play BIB…..she said she listened to it every single day. I can only imagine in my heart of hearts why
that poem had such an impact on her, but whatever the reason, that was my
doing. That was her love. And I doubt that she will be there for my
party. But that doesn’t change her
tears, her love or her feelings that night I met her in tears. So who am I to judge? Who am I to fear? Why can’t I just continue to believe this
will be the greatest night in cd release party history and those who are meant
to share it with me, will be right there, front and center and they will see
what all the fuss and hype is about.
Those who aren’t will just have to hate they missed it. But either way, I have been united with a
force that won’t let me go and won’t let me let go of it. And i dont want to let go. I have been annointed as teh conduit for a bigger cause and the day i stop, you can surely bet the world has ended, for i will continue even after my physical has been dusted away in the Atlantic (toss me there please).... I am winning.
I am not stopping.
I will be partying on 12/17/11 as if i am in the room with every face i can only wish were there, even if i there by myself, which i know at least 15 ppl will be there with me....so we will rock out...this is what it its all about....knowing that life is a party that only stops with the last heartbeat.
I'm ok....this is why i write....now, i am ok....had to expel that negativity and fear and get on with the getting on....now....time to order to party bags!!!!
I am a poetgirl.
And this
is my life.
-and if my pen should run out of ink, may my cd replay my love for you all until there is no more love left to show.
No comments:
Post a Comment