(e)X & (wh)Y

So…..

I have decided to enter the world of running….but only slightly….

Not as a SERIOUS runner….but …..as someone trying something new to occupy empty space and time, which I really don’t have much of, but these legs, I tell you….if I don’t put a helping hand to them, they are going to go to shit and I am going to be sad inside…..

So I wanna start running….

But right now….

I’m just walking….today I did a really good job, especially with the wind factor, the fact that I had on wedges and had to hold my phone, I think I kept a nice pace and did a relatively good job….i felt bad because my homegirl that I work with ended up being up there and we could have just gone together but …..i need this alone time….

Its no secret that I’ve been struggling with something….oh yeah, that whole broken hearted, desire deprived, wanting to kiss need that was further compounded by the fact that a muthafucka gave me a damn tape dispenser and called it a gift.

But I digress.

Apparently that had a greater affect/effect on me than I originally thought….but again…

I digress….

So I was walking on my lunch break just now, listening to music (way too loudly) and thinking…..sometimes, after I post blogs about my life, I get embarrassed later on and am like dammit….all these people have read my blog and what are they thinking right now….who are these people reading it ??? Is it the subscribers or is it outside people and what in the world must they think now ? ??? I swear I’m the black Carrie Bradshaw and this blog is my column and  we are all patiently waiting on my Mr Big to come and gallop me into the moonset…..yeah….

Ok.

Whatever…..

But I was thinking about the fact that I’ve posted two back to back poems about love/desire/affection and all that shit…..i started overthinking the shit I said in the last blog…..such as the fact that I keep seeing these facebook pictures about desperation and shit and I started wondering do these blogs make me look like the desperation I swear up and down that I don’t have ???  Like, does the fact that I have discussed it more than once make me the desperate woman I don’t want to be and definitely am not claiming ? Or is it honesty…..i think of it as honesty and maybe an honesty that everyone doesn’t need to be privy to, but I’m telling you, its never been much of a secret that I had some kind of affair going on with “love” in the mystical sense…..so as I walked and as the music played on, I started thinking to myself, I shouldn’t blog about love anymore….

I should not discuss love or talk about desire or those other creepy words that obviously look at me like some kind of walking dead…..ok, that was harsh but it sounded good there….anyway, I should stop….right here and right now…..at least for a little while….this blog is supposed to be about my journey to being successful and over the years the avenue has altered around a bit but I’m not sure that, that includes all this nonstop talk about love and my lack thereof…..

Or maybe it does…..it definitely makes a huge difference in my writing…..so I’ve been writing a lot….small poetic quips is what I call them….i don’t write poetry ALLTHETIME anymore so to speak, but when the real urge comes…like if I really believe I have something of value to say, I will write it…short or long….so I’ve been letting the creative words come together as they see fit over the last few weeks….some of it goes like :

Cannot tell a lie
it was i.....
staring like a washington face into your windows
peeking in for a visual of the you
outside of here
i cant lie
you intrigue too many portions of my curiosity
and the further we travel apart
the more i want to massage the tension of any given sunday out of your shoulders
i cant lie
i want to lie with
you
like two opposites of the truth,
i want to be nearest the closest region of
you
and so i stare at you
endlessly while you aren't watching
waiting impatiently to see if this is what they call desperation
or if this is just our mutual hesitation to bring forth fireworks from our lips
sure we both know its dangerous
so we cover ourselves in protection as if we were piercing erections venturing into new waters
drive slow
tread deep
i want to feel your smile from tips of my ears to the bottom of my feet and so far
all i have
is this handful of truth
and a wishing well penny
and i cant lie....
I tossed it in
and its spinning
in circles
now i wait to see if shooting star can be access granted
quickly
we
become
infinity
even if only
for the moment.

And then there was:

Ego bruised like it was in a fight with two W's. ....
heart battered, brain irritated with the matters of thy wants....
feels like fainting
like falling
like cars stalling at green lights that turn red before motion has set in
stop me
before i go too far
hurt me now so that the later is apple flavored
the sting is savored
savory
steak and gravy over mashed potatoes,
i got a plate full of cross contamination
back off slowly
so i know its real
back in quicker next time and ask me how i feel about the new results
and in less than foreign language
i will say
it feels like my ego was bruised in a fight with two W's
F on my paper, we 60% lost
ten percent found
and i'm 30 for 30, middle grounded, looking at pursuit of happiness
versus
the glimmer of hope left in my eyes.....
if you catch me in the corner, red & swollen....
don't presume it was a knockout....
just assume the art of giving up started tasting better.

But there was also:

Desire:

Anticipating the moment of which we meet
when the watchers have ceased
when eyes are wide shut
when rooms are dark circled with Yes'
when i do's are not being sought after
but i like's are supremely coveted
Taking a page from your book
learning the words to my chapter
henceforth, we will move at snail speed
slow motion
ocean rocking on bedsheets
flowers drawn on pillows
texts that end in three dots and voices that can't stop imagining the next sound
what if my ears were whispered to by you
and how about if your neck was the playground my tongue keeps sliding down
it isn't sexual
but its all physical
its in the hands and the way our skin feels to opposite touches
the eyes and the way we stare from across carpeted floors
tunnel vision much?
no one else dare to take your place
no one else sweeter than my taste
its desire....
all up in our personal space and daring us to have spin around the dancefloor.
This aint for the faint at heart.
Desire.

O_o

And that’s just in the last two days…..

My point for posting these ??? Because maybe I sound like I’m crying out for something….and maybe its attention….and I don’t like the feel of it because I don’t need attention….i need affection…shit….so there it is, I desire Desire…..but I don’t want this desire to consume me and apparently, maybe it has….maybe I should focus on writing some shit political or something …idk, maybe I should do SOMETHING else…..so we will start here…..i shall blog about something else, henceforth….

Or at least try

And if I fail, I shall acknowledge that loud and clear so that I may change it up for the immediate future…..

This life, I tell you……I got in the truckie and cruised down 62^nd street on the way back to work and the tears came…..i couldn’t stop them and didn’t try to….an overwhelming sense of FuckThisShit just shot right out of my eyes and I drove easily down the street and the hot tears of lightweight loneliness exit from me, hoping not many more would follow…..my reality is its right about here that I would always seek comfort back in the arms of my ex that I spent those 8 years earning a tape dispenser with…..this is the first time I haven’t returned…..and won’t.  I’m very confident in that…..but I guess, its been up and down….hard and easy…..and right now, its been a lil hard…..not that I want him back….and not that I miss being ignored…..i remember I came home from out of town one time and he came over, sat on the edge of the bed and got on his phone…..

I started unpacking like “MFFW “ …..am I fucking invisible ??? Haven’t I been across country or some shit ? Oh but that’s the same person who broke up with me right before I boarded a plane, as much as he knows I’m scared of flying…>God forbid those were our last goodbyes…..so nope, I do not DESIRE in on that…..at all…..and the strength is painful at times…..because I can see clear….but ….i got really accustomed to the fog.

So I admit that this week has been a bit of a struggle for me….i think I’ve accidentally tasked some unknown person as the responsible party for seeing to it that I am smiling.  Picture that…..is it really possible to project to the outer world that it is now time for someone to step up and see to it that all the bad memories of the last near decade can safely be tucked underneath new happy times ??? I believe it is….and for that I am guilty.  #FoolsGold.   When fucking it and feeling it goes magically wrong. oO

The flowers

The birds

Hell.  …..it doesn’t matter….just something other than love. But i think i'm going to have to write a poem first....and its going to have to be....raw....

and i think i like the title of this blog.

Requited Truth.

“I mean, I know where I’ll be on tour in two months, but no idea where I’m going to be mentally, emotionally, dreams, goals, wishes, hopes,” she tells Wonderland magazine in its latest issue’s cover story. “I have no idea if I’m going to get married or be single forever or have a family or just be on my own. You know, paint in a cottage by the ocean by myself. I just have no idea and I’m kind of into that.”

This quote was taken from a new interview with Taylor Swift, who has a very public love life…..I just read this and felt like maybe I had something to say about it.  And guess what….I do.

I agree with her.

I understand this sentiment……and Idk how that makes me feel, as a thirty something year old woman identifying with a young woman in her 20’s who is still experiencing the growing pains of love and love lost.  She makes pretty decent songs out of her wacky love life….but then, I guess I write some decent poems based off mine….so I guess I shouldn’t feel any kind of way but like I’m alive and living.  You know, I’ve blogged a lot in this last year about love, both unrequited and sought after.  In the recent weeks, there have been many a facebook postings and pictures that identify women who WANT or seek love as desperate individuals who don’t love themselves….lol.

You gotta love facebook.  Because everything is a picture of philosophy that we should all be so lucky to come across, like and take heed to.  Lol.  So many of my fb friends post and repost stuff about desperate women and the fact that they are throwing themselves towards men.  I wonder where are they meeting these women ? Not that I haven’t seen them, hell, honestly, I probably have participated in the art of throwing myself at love a time or two.  I’ve had three relationships over the course of 15 years and in at least one of them, I did toss myself in the line o’fire a time or two.  We see where that got me.  One is now married, one is in jail for the rest of his life and the other I assume is still coming up with that master plan on how to move the fuck out of his mommy’s house and let go of her nipple… o_O

Guess that was a low blow huh? 

Idgaf.

Anyway…..so I have had to question myself, seeing as though I keep coming across these postings….I can’t help but wonder is this a chance meeting with these pictures of reality or is God sending me a sign to take heed to.  Am I tossing myself out there? Am I throwing myself at men ?  Well….actually, I know for fact that, that is definitely not happening.  I haven’t even liked more than a couple of people in the last year and I am a flirt but I guess I’ve always assumed it was in all fun.  Aquarius’ are flirts.  But tossing myself at someone ? Yeah, I don’t think I have done that….however, having stumbled past my fair share of these postings, I can’t help but to be more aware of how I am acting, what I am saying/doing as far as the opposite sex is concerned.  God forbid any of these niggas or men think I am desperate for their unrequited love.  I am not.  Life is probably much easier having no one on my watch but these two disrespectful dogs I go home to every day.  I just wrote a blog yesterday about dating, love and all that XYZ, so I guess this is the season I am currently occupying.  There is definitely something to be said about not having ANYONE to spend any ounce of your free time with but shit…..that don’t mean I’m gonna post myself on a platter for these fools.  We all know they aren’t interested and that’s ok.  Like I said yesterday…….which brings me back to my original quote by Taylor Swift.  Something I blogged about in the recent months was the fact that I feel like I was not created to be with anyone and how hard (or soft) of a pill that is to swallow.  To think that there is no one else in this world of billions of people that was created to be my match, my equal and/or my partner is troubling in a sense and fabulous in many other ways.  Who’s thinking about the aisle?? I’m just thinking about smiling and laughing with someone who shares a few of my likes and likes to make me show the secret dimple close to my eye……I was talking to a friend Sunday night and we were talking about my dating life and how I loathe it at times.  When I left her, I drove home thinking about the last 15 years of my life.  How I spent it divided up between three relationships that got longer and longer.  One was two years, one was four and then of course there’s that one that seemed never ending of which I was rewarded with a tape dispenser to show my worth in his eyes…..yeah.  I have spent so much time trying to be the epitome of the woman they loved.  The first one is so funny because we had a friendship that started first when we were kids but it was always a turbulent friendship ….I’ve blogged about him several times and the fact that I get to walk out my door every morning for work and see his wife take their daughter to school.  I have to be honest.  That shit really fucks with me.  You would have to know the deepest roots of our history to totally understand and perhaps some of it will be in the full length book but man…..I swear it’s hard to do this five days a week and not feel some sort of way.  The second relationship, of which he is in jail now, was just the all out bad event…..that was the one where I helped raise his daughter….the one where in my mind, in my heart and in every thing I saw and did, there was us and a future included.  Somehow , I fooled myself for four years into believing he could love me enough and correctly when in fact, I was just time that he was passing with for the first year and by the fourth, as he put it, I was a mere babysitter.  Something that I never forgot him saying…something that tore a new hole into me that went beyond our troubled relationship….how dare you call me a babysitter ??? That was the day I grabbed the knife and didn’t know whether I was gonna stick it in him or leave but I knew I wouldn’t live beyond that day in that apartment.  And I didn’t…….the same ex who left me in Detroit, barefoot, walking around the city streets at 2 am……yep.  That’s going to be in the book so if you haven’t heard that story, brace yourself.  It gets much better than that sentence.  And then the last relationship, with the tape dispenser and the mechanical flower gift that had no batteries included (I still don’t know what that shit does) …..I’ve considered mailing both of those “gifts” to his house as a way of explaining how much of a disservice he did me by loving me incorrectly.  And then there is nothing.

Now…..I’ve been a single woman for awhile…..and the only times I am truly upset by it is when I start dealing with the opposite sex and how they patronize me…..as if…so there is this one guy….who decided to text me to see if I would be interested in him taking me to lunch (and lying to me I presume)…..yesterday, his texts came in and it was so funny……how cautiously he took care of the messages….treading the lines thin (because he fucked up) and attempting to meet my lunch needs with care and precision.  He wanted to know what I liked, where I wanted to go, what time and day was good for me.  My responses were quick and to the point….short, 30 or less characters (three dots included) and cold.  If you want to take me to lunch, by all means, do that….but I do not believe you….I do not believe in you or in us and I am NOT impressed by the fact that you have ALLEGEDLY realized your mistakes…..if you made mistakes before, so early in, then you will make them again….I personally feel like he is feeding his ego some kind of weird twisted way but I will not be playing into this game with him…..I don’t give a fuck what you look like….or how often you work out…..or what your job is, what you drive or where you live.  My VIP Attributes are how will you treat me ????   So far, I’m zero for zero. 

It further proves my point that I am just meant for something else.  Perhaps never love in a companionship sort of way.  Perhaps never a marriage off someone’s coast and never an I Love You that I believe. . ….so if that is the case, why date ?  Why try ? And definitely, why throw myself anywhere at anyone ?

There are things I do know:

I am an author and will continue to release books.  I know places that I intend to go this year and have no doubts that I will get there even though right now, I don’t know how to make it possible.  But love…..I have no idea anymore what I think about love and me.   A couple of weeks ago, my dad asked me to come over and do something for him.  He needed his new cell phone programmed and he can’t read that well so I usually do all these things for him.  I went over there (around the corner from my house) and there was a crumbled up five dollar bill on the table.  It was one of the old fives too….I hadn’t even seen one of these in so long, it was hard to believe it was real.  It looked worn and old.  Like if the US Govt had’ve got to it before me, they would have shredded it on GP.  He told me to take that five with me.  When I asked him for what, he said told me it was for gas money for coming over.  Lol.   Gas is only damn near four dollars.  But I digress.  My dad gave me love and as the words fell from his lips, they sounded like they came from a concerned loving place.  My dad, left an old, worn out five dollar bill on the table for me and told me thanks for helping me, get you some gas.  And then it all made sense.

No wonder the struggle has been so real.  I have never really had an idea of my worth and I’ll be damn if this didn’t make it plain and simple that he played a major role in that worth-dysfunction.  I wanted to look at him with the #MuthafuckaForWhat face, but he wouldn’t understand …..and at this point, regardless of the father issues I had growing up and how they shaped me into the woman I am today, I can’t (nor do I) hang on to that as a way of living the remainder of my future…..there is nothing I can do about the way my dad loves me.  And I have no doubt that he does love me a lot.  But he definitely taught me all about being loved in a measuring cup. And at 30something, I don’t want that cup any more…….I don’t want that vintage five dollar bill either.

I don’t want antique love.

Or five dollar respect when the highest grade of respect is way more expensive than a dirty five. 

I just want freedom.

And you know what…..I have it…..I have it in many ways….I have no anger (well, not much anyway)….I have disappointments but nothing I can’t live with….I have many reason to believe that I am a good catch….but if I honestly feel like I was not created to be caught, then this fish needs to jump out the water and find out how to walk on her own two feet.

And that’s where I am.

Forgive me if I have ever tossed myself towards the ring o’fire of love and pursuit of desire…..it was not intentional.  Sometimes, I think I have spent so many years deprived of it that I grew too accustomed to feeling like I had to go the extra mile in order to receive any amount of it.  But I’m no longer going an extra route….I’m not going a route …period.

As stated yesterday in my blog, I have taken my cards off the table……but its hard to stay away from the game….I would have to admit that.  When you want attention…when you want someone to love you…..or to appreciate you….DESIRE YOU…..it can be a hard pill to swallow to close yourself off ……even if you feel like it was not meant for you……I honestly do not believe it…I don’t….I do NOT believe I was created to share this life w/anyone….

Unless I’m supposed to be gay.

But I’m not.

So…..there that goes.
So where are we today…..same boat as yesterday……and tomorrow will be more of the same….perhaps I will blog until I become proficient in not entertaining the testosterone around me…….I definitely can say with confidence that throwing myself at someone is NOT going to happen.  But damn…….its a lonely world out here.  But it’s most definitely MUCH more lonely when you attempt to be where you are not wanted.

So here we are.

Living a solo life…..I will kick these feet up on my couch and sometimes, I think I will cry about it.  Sometimes I will get so lonely that it tears me up inside and I won’t be able to fully understand what it is about me that needs to change in order to usher in that feeling that I will wish I were apart of…….and I will log onto Facebook and see a post about how women who seek love of foolish bitches who don’t know themselves or respect their lives. O_O 

Lol.

I guess.

If I were to let every facebook picture determine my worth, I might as well call it.

I know the truth.  Do I love Love?

Yeah I do…. But I won’t chase after it…or throw rocks at its window…..or do anything more than remember how beautiful it is….even if it’s not in my life directly. ……and in the meantime, I guess I will go about living this Scary Beautiful life I’ve been gifted with.  Because it’s the only one I will have….so time is limited to spend it inside of a wish that I do not believe I was born to have granted. 

Guess I do understand Taylor.

Even as a 30something.
No more fives....definitely not anymore crumbled up, old, worn out, tattered and very un-special five dollar bills worth of affection.  Its gonna be a long road but surely i got this...right ?  Hell yeah i got this....you know how i know....i had three orgasms last night back to back.
Shout out to PauliePipes.  My shower head....Safely giving out orgasm since the early 2000s

* shrugs *

#jY
#Bradshawing 

Single in A Sleeping City

Single in a Sleeping City.

I used to have a blog many many years ago.  It was my introduction into the blogosphere world and I called it Single in a Sleeping City.  The blog is now destroyed.  When eblog changed up their formatting, one would have had to go back to their blogs and log in with the new updates or formats or risk the blog being deleted.  Well, apparently I didn’t get this memo until like a few weeks back when I was randomly looking to see if I could somehow discovered under the tumbleweeds of other old, unvisited blogs……yeah…its gone.  The blog was self explanatory.  It was about being a single woman in Indianapolis with an obvious take on Sex in the City.  I was 24/25 at the time.

Ten years later.

I am 34.  And once again Single in a Sleeping ass City.  On my drive to work this morning, I was thinking about the single life and how loathed it is.  And it made me think something.  The single life isn’t all that bad, sans the occasional loneliness that if one is anything like me, they can find ways to cure.  The part of the single life that sucks is when you begin dealing with other people.  I am a shy, Aquarius who doesn’t have trust issues and isn’t on the hunt for love, but would like to once again feel desired.  I spent 8 years in a relationship where the desire fizzled around year four.  Habit and fear kept me there four additional years.  I remember telling my girlfriends how sure I was that he would not be my husband. I can even remember rooms I was sitting in when I said that statement.  So the fact that I continued my journey with him for many more years is a testament of how much being single is frowned upon.  How dare I put myself thru 8 years of emotional torment that would ultimately end with him giving me the lowest of gifts for what should have been a very special day.  The gift was so God awful hurtful that it had the power to change how i viewed myself.  And it would have if i stayed for a second longer.  But i had to decide i was better than bullshit.  I was better than bare minimum.

Many of my friends rooted for him.  People liked him.  He was cute, he was a working man and he had a decent personality.  My family liked him a lot of and several of my close friends always would say things like “I’m cheerleading for yaw” or something to that degree.  I would take these statements in and think that there must have been something wrong with me as the reason why I felt like I deserved more.  But the truth was that no one knew anything about the ins and outs of our relationship, so no one knew how much he failed me on the levels I NEEDED his success in.  I NEEDED to feel desired.  I needed to feel loved, if he loved me.  I needed to feel like when he looked at me, bells and whistles went off in him internally because he felt like the luckiest man in the world.  I needed to feel…..like a woman.  Like a woman in that way that only a man can make us feel (or whatever your preference).  And lets not tell a lie.  It doesn’t matter the levels of confidence you have or how accomplished you are.  Partners give us something.  They make us feel something about ourselves that is gives us an additional reason to feel joyful.  To smile.  To feel like we are floating thru the universe with cute shoes on.  Now, if I’m the only one that feels this way, that is fine.  But this is not a testament of insecurity.  It is me honestly saying that I am genuinely happy with the majority of my life but when it comes to that coveted “feeling of being desired”, I am falling short. I fell short in my relationship that I spent nearly ten growing years trying to out-win.   After I left him, my problems with feeling lonely disappeared.  Its amazing that you can be with someone and be so unhappy that you feel the loneliest you have ever felt before.  Then to leave them and feel like the weight was lifted off your shoulders and the lonelies disappeared is amazing.  But something remained with me.  Something I couldn’t shake as easily.

The feeling of desire.

How does one capture the feeling of DESIRE in a sleeping city??  

Answer is: I don’t fucking know.

Part of me wonders if I am desirable.  Am I as beautiful to outside eyes as I think I am or have I gassed myself up and can’t see the forest for my reflection? Am I in denial ? I once wrote a poem about men always talking to my ass and not me.  The funny thing is now they don’t talk to my ass…..or me.  LOL.

I am ALWAYS  “the sister” they never had.

I am always the pseudo family member that I didn’t ask to be.  Most time, this is to men I am not attacted to in that way anyway, so I guess it works out, but damn……is having a date and a laugh with a decent male human being really this much of a problem ?  I tried dating last summer.  Stumbled upon a cutie who looked “good on paper” as they would say in Sex in the City.  This dude was dime piece.  Ha.  I didn’t get a chance to “like” him.  We hung out a few times at his place.  He lived downtown with a view of the city that had me drawn to his windows in a way that was a cross between feeling like a poem was being born and like I was sitting in the middle of NYC.  I felt away from home when I was there.  But it wasn’t him…..it was those windows.  It was the location and the need of me to be elsewhere.  Anyway,  we made plans several times.  He stood me up each and every time.  By the third time, I turned his ass over to the blacklist, as it is referred to on my app.  Also known as blocked.  Suddenly, he found some sort of attraction to me and wanted to stop popping in and out of my fucking phoneonce a week and start trying to contact me to make it right.  But it was over for me.  The ship left the dock and he was not on it.  

This year, I haven’t tried dating much but I did have a crush on someone that didn’t really go anywhere.  Its like, I am unseen.  IT doesn’t matter how pretty my poems are or how high my heels put me up in the air.  Niggas aint interested in this.  And I have to live with that.  But I tell you….today I am feeling the pains of lack of desire.

I don’t understand what it is about me.

Better yet….

I don’t understand what the fuck goes on in this sleeping ass city where people can’t be 100 with you on how they do or don’t feel.  Like if you are not interested, don’t fucking flatter me with pretend interest.  I am not going to crawl into a corner and kill myself because a dude I was digging was not digging me.  Trust me, I have been thru and survived worse than unrequited love/desire.   What I won’t do is pursue.  I should be pursued.

8 years of my life I spent not being pursued…..or chased….or desired.  How dare I put myself back out here and have to deal with new people acting like I am not in existence.  I am by far not the most beautiful woman in the world. I don’t have the best body and I do have flaws.  Probably a lot of them….but I also know I am full of amazing other qualities and I know that I am one of a kind.  Hell we all are, I am just willing to admit it.  If I’m in, I’m all in.  Or I’m out.

There is no shaky middle ground.

There is no sleeping for me......

I am NYC….wide eyed and ready to live.

But what I am right now….is single in a sleeping city. 

And there isn’t much I can do for that. …i. am the woman….i am to be chased, desired…pursued.  I am to be wanted.  And right now, the sharks aint biting.  So…….i’m going to just remove all my playing cards off the table……because I otherwise will just end up having my stupid little feelings hurt over a bupkiss that doesn’t much give a fuck.  And that cannot happen.  Those 8 years will not be in vain.  I will not spend another ounce of my time thinking, wishing or wanting anyone that doesn’t actively put ACTION behind the DESIRE for me that I will need them to have…..i also won't have my self esteem challenged because the dudes in my city are not interested in me.  My phone does not ring....my texts aren't littered with sweet nothings.....every one i have halfway been into over the last year, which is really only three people, have fallen along the wayside of "yeah i like you but um, im just not that into you".  I can take a hint and a clue.....and i am not going to play games with NO ONE. 

….so fuck it feel it.

This is a sleeping city.

And I’m in it.

Single.

And you know what.

I’m ok with that. 

I’m just not ok with being patronized as I am trying to live it out.  So enjoy to all my single people.  I am one less person this city needs to worry about.  I am no longer ‘on the market’.  I am taking myself out.  And my desire to be desired……..well….idk what to do about it except roll up a blunt and laugh now, cry later.  But at least I won’t be in my old relationship.

And at least I won’t take on a new lack of desire.
At least i made it out alive.....with enough confidence to know that i deserve better.  Do i wish there was someone? Yeah....i do....i am not lonely as much as i just want to kick it around with someone who makes me feel good....but eh...what can you do....if i am too awake, then let me allow the sleepers to keep dreaming or whatever....
in the meantime
i will just be on solo flight.  One day, someone may come.....one day, maybe I will come o_O
But today and henceforth.....i am just gonna chill and stay busy living.  Fuck the bullshit. Fuck the games. Fuck being Single in a Sleeping City and looking for two eyes that are wide open in my direction.
Fuck fuck fuck.

I cried my last tears for my ex.  It took a lot ...it took the fighter in me to open up and come back to life in order to leave...i honestly started believing that all  i deserved and was worth was the peanuts he gave me.....And as i sit here with the Tiffany Ring on my finger that i bought for myself, all i can do is remember that i do deserve better from people.  Old and new. ....i just deserve to feel .....desired.
Even if its in a city that is known for Sleeping in.

jY.

And Then I …..moaned a lil bit.

 

It was the first time

that I want to many more chances to recreate

…..its after effects have treated me to doses of instant replays that send little tingles across my skin…..it wasn’t an accident; it was on purpose. It wasn’t on purpose; it was an accident.

It was spontaneous

it was simple

it was what the doctor would surely have ordered.  It was soft and sexy and hot and saucy.

It lasted

too short.

But it felt all good.

All over

and I’d do it again in a heartbeat instance …..it was exactly what I thought it would be

and then some.

And by the time the end began,

the flurries sprinkling thru my nervous system were jumping…..my heartbeat was different…

my relaxation was certainly not challenged but my desire was fully yearning…..and then

I moaned a lil bit.

My lightweight moan a mixture of a dare to continue and a warning to stop.

We stopped.

Separated.

And reclaimed personal space.

But when I recalled that interaction the next day, at first I started smiling

and then

I moaned a lil bit.

Domino Mutha&@&*($! !!!

I will not let my heart be put on the battlefront anymore....


no more bullets

no more darts



no more taking shit for the team....

no more teammates who oddly enough like to dress in the rivaly uniforms.



Love has worked me over for the past 15 years.....







I just want to BE.

And if love is to BE with me, then so shall it be. But from this moment forward, i'm going to accept my life as it is....i'm going to stop complaining about love and wanting attention and looking like the desperate woman i have been looking like for the past few weeks.....the loneliness....the emptiness in my soul, my spirit, have hit an all time high.....and in the cyber world i have become wayyyyy to accustomed to, i have put my weaknesses out there to be seen, judged, gawked at and more than likely Laughed at.



That ends now.

From this moment forward, i am going to act like the grown old ass woman that i am.....and no matter how lonely i am, i have to deal with life as it deals with me....i have to treat it good regardless of what happens or how i feel about current situations.....and i will keep on fucking my shower (see, i'm too willing to share) because its safer....not just for my body....

My dopamine flow after a showerfed orgasm never has me waiting on the showerhead to call me....

miss me

or even be willing to love all that is me.....



and what i desire for this point foward in my life

is not to crave love like i do

to not want to share a connection with someone like that.....

if i'm not interesting enough

cool enough

dope enough

pretty, crazy, sexy or cool enough to have what it is i wish i were apart of ......

Then fuck it.



shit.



Fuck crying about that which i can't change

fuck writing poems about being lonely

fuck stats

tweets

fuck thoughts

fuck effort….can someone put effort in for me for once….fuck humans, I need an alien hubby. Shit.

and fuck sharing my vulnerabilities for all to see and laugh at.



I'm growing up a lil bit, little by little.

And this epiphany came to me this morning, that i've been doing much....easily what could be considered "TheMost" .......i've been TRYING too much....being TOO vocal.....being too willing to show the world i'm hurting for simple affection.....not fucking....just simple affection.....at first it felt like from a woman, maybe that would make others not feel so bad about being lonely sometimes.....but then to again, maybe i was hoping someone would relate to me and I wouldn’t feel so fucking weird and foolish….



Chasing fools gold

Looking thru old mines that were shut down years ago….for a diamond…..

Its all good. I’m just gonna back off my own neediness

And allow myself to just.BE.



Cause at the end of the day, no matter who you are with,

No matter how often

If you can’t just BE with yourself

Then you can’t BE anything good with anyone else.

And although I’ve always been good with myself, which is part of the fucking problem if not the reason in totality, I know that its time to stop wishing, wanting, telling, talking, missing, longing and yearning…..

And time to get my dogs nuts cut off

Paint my room

Get my furniture

And live my life and allow the chips to fall as they may.



Domino muthafucka.

Late Nite Love Purge.

 

Sitting here with tears streaming down my face and millions of miles per hour…..the time is 1115…..

so much is on my mind right now…so many people are on my mind….I’m running thru the list of mistakes I have made over the years….trying to find understanding from the things I’ve done or said, the places I’ve been and those I have failed, hurt or otherwise made feel less that wonderful…..

I’m lonely.

and I’m not upset that I’m lonely, I just wish there was someone I could call, someone I could sit next to and not have to shed these tears in solitude….I wish someone was here to take away the pain, if only briefly…I wish that a shoulder was present, that someone would give me reason to laugh, or smile or giggle thru the tears……

Someone who Wild Horses couldn’t drag away from me…..

In the last year, I’ve come to the conclusion I’m not meant to be married…..that I’m not “created” for someone…..not for motherhood, not for wife status…..and that LOVE in itself may be something I only get to experience thru friendship and family……

family…..ahhhhh

my fam is in the middle of a warzone again…..lets get this clear….when I say “my family”, I am referring to a very small group of people, but the bulk of my maternal bloodline.  We all live within a four block radius and in more than one case, next door to each other….its amazing how strained we are…..and it leaves something to be desired within me….so they, because this crap hardly ever includes me, are all at war with one another in some way for some reason that started some day or so ago…..and I’m sitting here, thinking about the aunt I blogged about a while back…..and wishing I had the power to be to her what I am to everyone else, because Lord knows she’s that and more to me…..but thru my strained family relationships, and lack of ability to allow any real emotion to be shown, any vulnerability to be seen, my aunt ends up with the shitty end of the stick from me by default….I mean I call, I talk to her, I take her what she needs, take her where she needs to go if she really goes….I try…but my emotions are stuck….and I hate that she feels like people hate her, and there is nothing I can do about it….

or nothing I know how to fix

and I guess I pissed off someone else today….totally non-family related….I just don’t fucking understand why…..

and that’s all I’m saying about that.

I just need a hug….like a genuine, arms wrapped tightly around me, forcing heartbeats to click together at the same on/off beat patterns…..I want to be comforted….

but alas, if I am not designed to share this life, then there is no reason I should be wishing I was.

As I sit here with my new Tiffany ring,

turquoise box looking at me

and a fistful of tears, I just for once, wish that love was not such a fucking chore…..as much as I root for and fight for love and try to push people to believe in it and keep the faith in love…I just wish that it would be a little bit easier for me…..at least in one avenue….I’ll even let it pick.

My house is changing  …..my old furniture is gone….I have two more pieces headed out the door if I can find someone to move them out for me……tonight tho, I really feel like pushing this desk out the front door and off the hill…..just cause it might make me feel better….

new furniture will be here soon….new bedroom color…..new open spaces in the house will reveal themselves to two dogs awaiting a new WrestleMania zone…

but I’m still lonely.

And I love being alone…..

but there is a difference. 

My loneliness isn’t about a man tho…..although I’d be another lie if I said I didn’t want to truly connect with someone….I just want to connect…..with someone who I like, who likes me…..and that shit is like pulling pussy hairs from a field of daisies….no pussy there right ?

my point exact.

but my loneliness is about something else….its about fearing the deaths of my family as they inch closer and closer to really old age….its from a strained relationship with a mom I live right next door to and would give anything in this fucking world, I mean, I would give up my ability to write if the rest of my life could be spent having a relationship with my mom like they have on TV……

its hard for me not to wonder is there something wrong with me….that I feel like my mom will never love me outside of a natural, almost instinctive love…..

no companionship, people are too untrusting to consider them good friends and I guess when you are too honest with people, that ruins friendships as well…..and I guess when you love too hard, it can backfire……my ex was my ex for the longest time EVER!!! What a bunch of wasted years and wasted times……I loved him…..as much as I knew how….as much as I could….I believed in him when he said lets give it one more try….and then he laid his cards out without ever realizing he sat at the table…..but I was lonely with him….completely lonely.  So it was useless …..

today

its just me.

its me and my two dogs

and my new tiffany ring….a ring I bought solely to replace an ex…..a super old ex, who’s gifted ring to me was still making daily appearances on my hand out of habit.  So I bought a cheap ring from Tiff that has New York New York engraved on it…..and hoped that the minute I looked at my hand, I would remember that I am right where I need to be….and that is closer to the future.  Whatever and where ever it is.

my family feels states apart when they are really just next door and around the corner…..my love life is empty and my sex life was recently asked to be described in a movie title, of which I picked Ghost.

My hormones are raging, I want a hug.

But its just me.

and my two dogs

and my new tiffany ring and a room full of shoes that I can’t wear all in one day…..material shit is worthless…its pointless……love tho….

that shit is an addiction without warrant.

Love

I crave you.

but today I decided to stop waiting for you to come to my bus stop.

When Nothing Else Needs 2 B Said.

 

what do you do when you want to say something, but don’t know how to say it….or wonder if saying it is too much?? Doing too much??

Should you “have several seats (btw, I hate that I use this phrase….fucking conditioning) ???

how do you say something when nothing else needs to be said???

How do you say:

 

Listen,

my arms are fragile…my skin is silky and requires lotion after showers….I would love to have my body drenched in cocoa butter, melting my complexion with the color of anticipation….and I’m thinking it should be with you…I’m thinking, it should be you on the rubbing end of the butter blend with my skin and yes I would be lying if I said I had not thought, at least three times, about interacting with your lips with French lessons…. * physical shrug *

so about this ‘us’

wouldn’t you like to be of apart of something amazing ?? daring to be different, or at peace or fuck it, in a mistake that felt so right at first…..do you not find this interesting ??? Do you not see this body, do you not see these hips longing for the thick kind of hands that have the perfect line contours that will allow them to feel me in ways no other person ever had or could

because they are not you

isn’t this interesting ??? That we might hit it off…whatever that means….that we might enjoy the company of each other…

I’m serious, are you laughing ?? Because to be able to carry all of this, all of this which has so often become a stressor or a lesson learned …, to be able to bear the ups and downs of being and bearing the candy your eyes are suckling on,

simply MUST be accompanied by an internal relevance that is unique in its own function…..this is serious,

wouldn’t you like to learn my functions? My clockwork ?? What makes me tick and what sets off alarms?? Wouldn’t you like to hit the snooze with me? ? Is prevention a good decision in our case?? Isn’t it worth the wait and the prolonged, longed nights that we lay under skies not doing what we want to?? You don’t want to anticipate with me??? Isn’t it worth it the anticipation..?? The desire?? The friendship development??? Look, no one is trying to Hub you ….

I’m not “LOOKING” for anything…definitely not serving my left hand up on a platter but if I’m all about living, shouldn’t I be trying to do it ?? Should I really just remain quiet when that hasn’t got me far in all this time?? I mean, look at you….I think you are worth it…I’ve studied your smile with careful peeking at least 26 times…and yeah, I’ll be bold for you….I’ll go there for you, I’ll dare to be vocal…dare to be loud….dare to let you know my eye didn’t have an eyelash in it, baby, that was wink…

I’ll say it to you…does it sound good yet?? Isn’t this interesting….

to see how my mind work?? I’m interested in yours??? What if we ended up being really great people who know each other?? Or lovers creeping out of bed sheets to jump and high kick in the hallway because the motion is good but the fact that the boat is intact makes the cruise the kind you never want to leave….Is this language foreign??

You don’t want to receive this gravitating orbit around the getting to know each other process ??? You think I can’t make you laugh??? Smile even ??

You think I’m better suited for someone else and you the same….….

another’s earned touch, a different type of peace

somewhere else….you think my plus one is somewhere else???

Fine…

Maybe he is….

but let there be no mistake….this was not a bold act of defying my inner thoughts….this was no regret, this be not a remorseful situation

I am not the desperate …

I am just the grown….going for the gold even if I can’t have it…somebody better tell me no or I won’t quit….I won’t let up until what I want to be mine, IS.  ….

unless someone tells me no,

unless you tell me no,

unless we find each other looking into sterile eyes that hold tears and bullshit….lies and fool’s gold….unless we say no….,

then this entire conversation will go down as a proud moment for me…..and you will always have been worth the shot !

 

Q:What do you say when you want to say something but nothing needs to be said???

A: Say nothing.

…..music writing session….Iris (GooGoo Dolls), How to Save a Life & You Found Me (The Fray) & Chasing Cars (Snow Patrol).

~jY