(e)X & (wh)Y

So…..

I have decided to enter the world of running….but only slightly….

Not as a SERIOUS runner….but …..as someone trying something new to occupy empty space and time, which I really don’t have much of, but these legs, I tell you….if I don’t put a helping hand to them, they are going to go to shit and I am going to be sad inside…..

So I wanna start running….

But right now….

I’m just walking….today I did a really good job, especially with the wind factor, the fact that I had on wedges and had to hold my phone, I think I kept a nice pace and did a relatively good job….i felt bad because my homegirl that I work with ended up being up there and we could have just gone together but …..i need this alone time….

Its no secret that I’ve been struggling with something….oh yeah, that whole broken hearted, desire deprived, wanting to kiss need that was further compounded by the fact that a muthafucka gave me a damn tape dispenser and called it a gift.

But I digress.

Apparently that had a greater affect/effect on me than I originally thought….but again…

I digress….

So I was walking on my lunch break just now, listening to music (way too loudly) and thinking…..sometimes, after I post blogs about my life, I get embarrassed later on and am like dammit….all these people have read my blog and what are they thinking right now….who are these people reading it ??? Is it the subscribers or is it outside people and what in the world must they think now ? ??? I swear I’m the black Carrie Bradshaw and this blog is my column and  we are all patiently waiting on my Mr Big to come and gallop me into the moonset…..yeah….

Ok.

Whatever…..

But I was thinking about the fact that I’ve posted two back to back poems about love/desire/affection and all that shit…..i started overthinking the shit I said in the last blog…..such as the fact that I keep seeing these facebook pictures about desperation and shit and I started wondering do these blogs make me look like the desperation I swear up and down that I don’t have ???  Like, does the fact that I have discussed it more than once make me the desperate woman I don’t want to be and definitely am not claiming ? Or is it honesty…..i think of it as honesty and maybe an honesty that everyone doesn’t need to be privy to, but I’m telling you, its never been much of a secret that I had some kind of affair going on with “love” in the mystical sense…..so as I walked and as the music played on, I started thinking to myself, I shouldn’t blog about love anymore….

I should not discuss love or talk about desire or those other creepy words that obviously look at me like some kind of walking dead…..ok, that was harsh but it sounded good there….anyway, I should stop….right here and right now…..at least for a little while….this blog is supposed to be about my journey to being successful and over the years the avenue has altered around a bit but I’m not sure that, that includes all this nonstop talk about love and my lack thereof…..

Or maybe it does…..it definitely makes a huge difference in my writing…..so I’ve been writing a lot….small poetic quips is what I call them….i don’t write poetry ALLTHETIME anymore so to speak, but when the real urge comes…like if I really believe I have something of value to say, I will write it…short or long….so I’ve been letting the creative words come together as they see fit over the last few weeks….some of it goes like :

Cannot tell a lie
it was i.....
staring like a washington face into your windows
peeking in for a visual of the you
outside of here
i cant lie
you intrigue too many portions of my curiosity
and the further we travel apart
the more i want to massage the tension of any given sunday out of your shoulders
i cant lie
i want to lie with
you
like two opposites of the truth,
i want to be nearest the closest region of
you
and so i stare at you
endlessly while you aren't watching
waiting impatiently to see if this is what they call desperation
or if this is just our mutual hesitation to bring forth fireworks from our lips
sure we both know its dangerous
so we cover ourselves in protection as if we were piercing erections venturing into new waters
drive slow
tread deep
i want to feel your smile from tips of my ears to the bottom of my feet and so far
all i have
is this handful of truth
and a wishing well penny
and i cant lie....
I tossed it in
and its spinning
in circles
now i wait to see if shooting star can be access granted
quickly
we
become
infinity
even if only
for the moment.

And then there was:

Ego bruised like it was in a fight with two W's. ....
heart battered, brain irritated with the matters of thy wants....
feels like fainting
like falling
like cars stalling at green lights that turn red before motion has set in
stop me
before i go too far
hurt me now so that the later is apple flavored
the sting is savored
savory
steak and gravy over mashed potatoes,
i got a plate full of cross contamination
back off slowly
so i know its real
back in quicker next time and ask me how i feel about the new results
and in less than foreign language
i will say
it feels like my ego was bruised in a fight with two W's
F on my paper, we 60% lost
ten percent found
and i'm 30 for 30, middle grounded, looking at pursuit of happiness
versus
the glimmer of hope left in my eyes.....
if you catch me in the corner, red & swollen....
don't presume it was a knockout....
just assume the art of giving up started tasting better.

But there was also:

Desire:

Anticipating the moment of which we meet
when the watchers have ceased
when eyes are wide shut
when rooms are dark circled with Yes'
when i do's are not being sought after
but i like's are supremely coveted
Taking a page from your book
learning the words to my chapter
henceforth, we will move at snail speed
slow motion
ocean rocking on bedsheets
flowers drawn on pillows
texts that end in three dots and voices that can't stop imagining the next sound
what if my ears were whispered to by you
and how about if your neck was the playground my tongue keeps sliding down
it isn't sexual
but its all physical
its in the hands and the way our skin feels to opposite touches
the eyes and the way we stare from across carpeted floors
tunnel vision much?
no one else dare to take your place
no one else sweeter than my taste
its desire....
all up in our personal space and daring us to have spin around the dancefloor.
This aint for the faint at heart.
Desire.

O_o

And that’s just in the last two days…..

My point for posting these ??? Because maybe I sound like I’m crying out for something….and maybe its attention….and I don’t like the feel of it because I don’t need attention….i need affection…shit….so there it is, I desire Desire…..but I don’t want this desire to consume me and apparently, maybe it has….maybe I should focus on writing some shit political or something …idk, maybe I should do SOMETHING else…..so we will start here…..i shall blog about something else, henceforth….

Or at least try

And if I fail, I shall acknowledge that loud and clear so that I may change it up for the immediate future…..

This life, I tell you……I got in the truckie and cruised down 62^nd street on the way back to work and the tears came…..i couldn’t stop them and didn’t try to….an overwhelming sense of FuckThisShit just shot right out of my eyes and I drove easily down the street and the hot tears of lightweight loneliness exit from me, hoping not many more would follow…..my reality is its right about here that I would always seek comfort back in the arms of my ex that I spent those 8 years earning a tape dispenser with…..this is the first time I haven’t returned…..and won’t.  I’m very confident in that…..but I guess, its been up and down….hard and easy…..and right now, its been a lil hard…..not that I want him back….and not that I miss being ignored…..i remember I came home from out of town one time and he came over, sat on the edge of the bed and got on his phone…..

I started unpacking like “MFFW “ …..am I fucking invisible ??? Haven’t I been across country or some shit ? Oh but that’s the same person who broke up with me right before I boarded a plane, as much as he knows I’m scared of flying…>God forbid those were our last goodbyes…..so nope, I do not DESIRE in on that…..at all…..and the strength is painful at times…..because I can see clear….but ….i got really accustomed to the fog.

So I admit that this week has been a bit of a struggle for me….i think I’ve accidentally tasked some unknown person as the responsible party for seeing to it that I am smiling.  Picture that…..is it really possible to project to the outer world that it is now time for someone to step up and see to it that all the bad memories of the last near decade can safely be tucked underneath new happy times ??? I believe it is….and for that I am guilty.  #FoolsGold.   When fucking it and feeling it goes magically wrong. oO

The flowers

The birds

Hell.  …..it doesn’t matter….just something other than love. But i think i'm going to have to write a poem first....and its going to have to be....raw....

and i think i like the title of this blog.