Queen

Ok

I’m going to try this…..and see what becomes of it. I feel overwhelmed and like I can’t move right this second and I’m at work so that’s not the best position to be in…I’m sitting at my desk, with a face full of tears……I’m getting my billings wet from tears all over my face and my makeup is running all over the place….thank God I only wear eyeliner but that might be the worst …..

I’m listening to I Hope You Dance, by Gladys Knight…..her version of this played at the end of The Family That Preys Together (Tyler Perry), of which Alfrie Woodard & the lady from Misery played best friends…..by the end of the movie and at the point of which this song was introduced, one of them had passed away and the other was delivering her eulogy at the funeral……I remember when I would watch that movie, I would always think “I don’t think I could ever do that” …..but never did I think, like NEVER did I think,  I would be placed in a similar situation…….

There is no way to prepare for loss…..

But unexpected loss is something that takes the breath away and restoring it is what one day a time was made from……the tears are stilling rolling down my face, as I think about her eyes…..

Her skin…..her locs……how excited she used to get when her hair was freshly done or especially when it was colored…..i can still hear her laughter, her snickers……her ROTF moments where she would cover her mouth and try to contain herself but was so amused that the laughter slowly made its way up and out her body until she was literally on her side, cracking up……

I remember those times…..we shared so many of them…..so ooooo many moments ……so full of laughter…..

………………………..

42 days ago, my cell phone rang at my desk….i  just happened to have it out in front of me where I could see it….normally its in my desk or in my purse, on silent……I saw who was calling and since this person was normally at work during these hours, I knew something was up….i answered quickly…….she told me our mutual friend, one the closest people to me ever, had suffered a stroke…..within the hour, I had left my job and was speeding up the highway to get the hospital so when she opened her eyes, she would see me sitting there just like the last time she had been hospitalized……she mentioned in our recent connection how much it meant to her to awake from her hospitalized slumber and even in her semi-unconscious state, she saw me sitting there……i planned this time would be no different……

Some of the loose change thoughts I had as I drove around 465 was her speech…..whether or not it would be slurred and how bad……or if her left side (or right) might suffer paralysis……I wondered things that spoke of survival…..never for the slightest second did I think it was life altering…..even though before leaving work, I had spoken to our mutual friend again, who had then informed me that the stroke was ‘bad’ and that she was no longer breathing on her own……there were still things in my mind that I had not considered……

I arrived at the hospital…..

Walked in with urgency, walked up to the front desk and it was as if the woman there knew who I was there for….she gave me the room number without blinking her eyes twice…..i got off the elevator on the second floor, headed towards the ICU and from the moment my feet stepped into that long hallway with the windows on one side, it was as if everything moved in slow motion…..

And has yet to start.

I walked around the slight bend of the hallway,

Saw a glass closed off waiting room with some of her family in it…..on the way up the hallway or perhaps it was after I got in front of the waiting room and realized I had no power to go behind the big silver doors where she was, two women spoke to me, hugged me and began talking to me….i don’t even remember who they were…..they knew me…..i couldn’t get an ID on them in my mind…..i just went with the flow…..i still don’t know who they were……the first thing I saw to my right were elevators with the title “the purple elevators” …….my heartbeat moved with a sense of urgency upon seeing that……the elevators were indeed several shades of purple….my sisterfriends favorite color.

As me and the two ladies stood outside the big grey doors, one of them took me to the side and said ‘I guess I should tell you this’ or something that nature….. “she’s bleeding in her brain stem” ……

((((((( SILENCE ENSUED )))))))

Or maybe it didn’t….i really don’t know, from the moment my brain processed that statement, my urgent heartbeat shattered …….i nearly fell to the floor and moved towards the back of the side hallway we were standing in so as to gather myself……I wasn’t about to fall apart like this…..it meant I was losing hope too quickly….i didn’t see our mutual friend or anyone else I knew directly, so I regained composure with tears circling my eyes still and walked back out into the main hallway just in time for the silver doors to finally open up…..someone was coming out…..it was a black man with a black suit on …..me and the two ladies stood close the opening, all lined up, as he walked towards us……

…….as he introduced himself,  my life started changing by the second and wouldn’t stop.

Everything moved in slow, almost silent motions…..as if I was not hearing words….i was watching letters fall out of lips, one at a time and then deciphering what words they were and creating sentences….

My

Name

Is …………………

And I

A

M

T

H

E

C

H

A

P

L

A

I

N

………………………………………………………………..at that moment I noticed it…..his tie was purple…..and so were his gym shoes….his shoes were COMPLETELY purple…….the day prior to this day, i was walking out of H&M, and a purple tutu caught my eye....it was for a little girl....i only knew of one young girl/baby and she was only recently born (one month-ish at the time).....but i could not leave that purple skirt there....

it gripped me....i grabbed it and went and WAITED in line, past my lunch break time, to buy this skirt for a 1 year old, that i planned to send to someone with a one MONTH old....it made NO sense....but i couldn't leave it there......

At that moment

Right then, at that second, I put it all together…..

I was at the hospital…..one of my best friends was behind those now closed silver doors and had suffered a major stroke that resulted in bleeding in her brain stem, which I did not suspect was good….and this man standing in front of me talking, was the chaplain of the hospital…..why.was.he.standing.here.talking.to.us???? Since when do chaplains deliver ANY type of news???? Unless………………………  from right about there, I lost all my hope. Right then and there.  I hadn’t even seen her yet and he wasn’t letting us back there just yet….

All I knew,

As I stood there in the middle of the hospital floor

Was that I had spent four months in silence, not speaking or talking to someone who loved me UNAPOLOGETICALLY and without pause……all because I am child-like in my aggression….i do not speak about problems or issues…I wash them under the rug and go silent and try moving forward until time permits my foolish ass ego to stand down and allows me to go back to that person I am suddenly ignoring, who probably has little to no idea what they did that was wrong…….only weeks before, we had resolved what was blocking us….and even as we were resolving, I felt childish….i felt like an idiot for wasting so much time and expecting her to know things she couldn’t have known unless I TOLD her….which I had NOT….i  just deserted her….

Left her out here

Without me, one of the comforting zones she always knew she could count on

I bounced

I said to myself,” all these ppl love me, I can take for granted whom ever I want to….

Lots of ppl love and like the great januarie York …….so anyone doing anything that I don’t like, can kick rocks and I will hand them some to begin with……”

I didn’t literally say that ….

But in hindsight, I did. ….

And now here I was

In the hospital, waiting for someone to ALLOW me to see the one person i had spent all these years relaxing, unwinding and laughing with....crying when we needed to....we used to sit in silence, with the radio on....RELAXED....she always told me that my home was uber-relaxing to her.....how on Earth did we get to a point, rather how did I get to a point that i would take something she enjoyed so much, away from her??? What fucking kind of sister was I ??? who the hell do i make the exception for ?? The declaration that for you i will speak up, i will address issues, i will voice my opinion when necessary because THAT is what you do when you love and cherish someone....you don't just leave them hanging...you don't just take them for fucking granted, like time will allow you to return when you are ready...being the prodigal friend doesn't work.....life don't work like that!!!!!!

And now here i was, waiting.  And i wasn't even sure what i was waiting for....to see her or to hear some kind of news to instill hope ....……when I finally got back there…..and I got to the glass doors….and walked in, and saw her, laying there

My heart broke off and went where ever she was.

And honestly,

I haven’t seen it since.

TBC.