A Smile with Hidden Truth

I type this thru a blurry of tears.

I’ve been here before …I’ve made this trek, this journey before. …I’ve experienced this at least two other times in my mid-length life, but it never fails to get easier.  You never become so experienced that the pain is lessened or that the tears are able to be kept at bay…..it always feels the same in some way: hurtful, scary and somehow, thru it all, beautiful at the same time. 

I type this thru less tears than what I started with.
Sentimental Mood is playing thru the headphones into my ears and the tapping of the keys makes one wonder if the piano player knew that every key he was hitting would sound like a memory to woman with more than a handful of them.  The horns will slowly bring this song back to the origin of its beat and again the sentiments will come back in a blurry of tears……

Ahhhhh

Yes, there it is….

The original melody returning near the ending

And the blurry of tears is less than what started but still just as prominent….yes, indeed I have been down this road before….i have loved and let go before….one of the my hardest things to do…but when given no other option but do so, I do.  With ease and a smile…..at least in front of those I’m letting go of. ...but at home, behind the smile, comes the sadness....but not a sadness that lingers....just a sadness for all that will change for us.

The first time,

I will never forget the day she left.  I had one a white shirt that came past my hips into a flare.  I had bought it from NY&Co….one of our favorite stores at the time.  That morning, we went out for Ocharley’s and I thought of all the times we would save NY&Co coupons and then go piddling thru the store looking for something to buy with our $25 off $100.  We were both fools for sales, coupons and anything that offered clothing at a discounted price or with free shipping….or both.  Lol…..at our Ocharley’s lunch date, we ate up rolls and laughed and talked and never really discussed how much things would change from that day forward.  I remember  as we got closer to my house, the reality set in and I kept having to remind myself not to let her see me cry. I have a thing about people seeing tears from me…..i’ve read its an Aquarius trait and that may or may not be true, but for me, in my life, it is very much so.  I don’t like to let people see me get to that level of emotion.  Its too vulnerable perhaps…..once we pulled into the driveway, the goodbye was rather swift.  We spoke about missing each other already and how we would not let distance kill a friendship that was so priceless.  And we both meant it well.  We got out the car and had her brother snap one last photo of us together.  She in her Race for the Cure shirt and me in my NY&Co. shirt.  We stood there with smiles that hid facts.  Fact was, we were sisters and one of us was embarking on a different journey.  A new journey.  And all the love and friendship in the world couldn’t stop that journey from happening.  And it needed not….for the truth about love is no matter where time and travel take us, true love exists beyond any earthly boundaries.  It is the ultimate gift to a person if treated correctly by all parties.  Love is love…if that makes any sense…..and between the  two of us, we had formed a bond, a lasting friendship and a true sisterhood unlike anything else for either of us with anyone else.  We had reached a level of mature understanding with each other that gifted us to not so much as have a small argument.  We had proved to ourselves that there were good people out there, us being two of them, that will treat you with respect and love at all times, minus judgement.  That is my sister.  And as I watched her car drive away to drop off her brother and hit the hwy to her new life, the tears started falling before I could get good in the house and although they would stop soon afterwards, because how dare I be sad that my best friend in the world was providing me with a new getaway ;)  , they wouldn’t be too far behind….i would tear up at different times remembering the facts that our smiles had hidden so well in our last Indy picture…..that life is a constant change.  And we as humans have to adapt to the change or die from it.  This change in my life and that of my sister’s would no longer allow us to come to opposite sides of town for late brunches or meet ups at OCharley’s for soft bread and honey butter.  But all in all, we never lost our spirit.  We never lost our comfort with each other and dare I say we grew closer together further apart.  We don’t talk every day as we are both such busy women.  But …that’s my sis. That is my sister.  I don’t even refer to her as a friend. She is my sister.  How we went thru life for so long not having known each other was out here is amazing.  Because all in all, we both needed each other very much. And not even  hundreds of road miles can change the fact that our love for each other stands right next to each other at all times.

The second time…..

another sister……..her move was more quickly executed.  She lived right around the corner from me and had only been there for less than a year when her life’s journey took her East bound.  I’ve always been a supportive friend.  In my mind I might be screaming at the top of my lungs PLEASE DON’T LEAVE ME HERE WITH THE REST OF THESE PEOPLE, but aloud, all I will say is I will miss you.  We had become so used to the living room, the music and TheHealingClass…..nights of spontaneous laughter and dancing….dogs barking…..phone calls where we are looking at each other eye rolling the person on the other end…..we had partied, celebrated, cried, introduced each other and grown up together in my living room that was just big enough to contain all of our love without the house combusting.  She too was my sister.  She IS my sister.  She has a special place in my heart that will never cease to exist.  I will never fight for her attention or call attention towards myself and my undying ultimate love for her because we both already know it without speaking it.  Our inboxes reflect it. Our cyber laughter tells us how much we miss our living room chill sessions.  Girl talk…..laughs that just keep going on and on and on and us not knowing why we are even still laughing…..yeah.  That last day was another one just like the first.  A day that I was being told by the universe to let go of another sister without fuss or fight.  Another internal warfare of tears and melancholy but I take pleasure in seeing my loved ones make life choices and execute them….at least try it.  If it doesn’t work, plan B. …I’ll be there regardless.  So for all the sadness in the world, I was UBER happy for her because I felt she was not just leaving this state….she was entering a new state of mind.  A new journey towards self.  I felt like the opportunity for her to remember how well she smiles and how beautiful she is was not here.  I knew it.  She knew it.  God knew it.  So on she went.  I didn’t hug her nearly as tight as I should’ve.  I never do.  My hugs suck, but its not on purpose. It’s a part of me, that part of me that doesn’t like to let ppl see me cry, that tries to keep me from showing just how much X-moment means to me. I want to get better with that.  But I didn’t hug her tight enough….i didn’t want her to cry.  I didn’t want her to see me crying.  Surely I was a semi-pro at this right ? When she left and there was no car in sight and her house was empty, I drove up the street one good time and kissed her goodbye without her knowledge.  I blew one towards her old house and prayed her safe travels just as I did the prior time I journeyed down this type of road.   She had a much longer travel than my other sis.  But she was going somewhere to find something. Herself, love, life…..one of those….all of those….and who was I to hinder it in anyway with my sadness.  Once it had all settled and set in and I realized yet again in life, my person was gone, it was mind blowing…..how do I manage to keep sane when my CLOSEST people keep leaving me??? Is this God’s way of telling me to leave too ??? Surely it is…..i never told her how much it hurt me to know she was leaving.  I kept trying to be a pillar of strength for what I knew was already a hard but necessary decision.  She was gone.  She arrived safely in her new destination and all I could do was truly be happy for her.  She would come visit.  Just like my other sis.  And once again, I had another place to visit !!! J  On the side of the country I love the mostest !! J  Sooooo dare I complain ?  Why should I? Truth is, her move may be the main factor behind the reason we were able to share my favorite city together at least once! Her move brought us closer to a moment we both had only talked about millions of times in my living room with the music playing and the dogs barking.  We still create memories.   Our sisterhood never let up for a minute.  That love I tell you….it will never. Leave. You. …..unless you let it.

Today is happening.

We are in the throws of it right now.  We can’t turn back the clocks, we can’t undo the damage or change the past.  We can’t make those who were once here but are now far away reappear and we can’t become complacent on being hurt.  We can’t linger too long in the fact that people move and leave and friendships change and seasons change and shit happens.  Right now, we are 13 or so days way from spring.  A new growth season is upon all of us. Pretty soon , the cold snowy days will be a memory.  The trees will begin producing new buds of flowers and leaves and the birds will come out earlier and earlier as the mornings brighten sooner and sooner.  On this day, a woman I met and found myself in a really healthy friendship with, is in the midst of a life changing decision.  This woman also became my sister. And its funny because for so long, I thought people only have a handful of friends (real ones) and an even lesser amount of people they would actually consider family, much less call fam.  I don’t know how true or false that statement is in life in general, but speaking from my life and my experiences, I have found myself to finally be surrounded with goooooood people.  People who are so good that they defy the logic of friendship and become true sisters without intent.  It just happens.  You just look and realize “hey, this person is truly my sis…she would have to be to do xyz”…… I am making the walk down the plank of life with another sister.  A Queen who simply put is a DOPE ASS PERSON!! Like, in real life.  And in real life, we are slow strolling down this plank together.  But its not a plank of death and/or destruction….this plank is LIFE.  At the end, there is not a jump for water.  There is a liftoff towards the skies.  I stand next to another sister who is about to spread her wings and find herself in flight.  When I helped her clean her house up for showing, it felt like the scene out of Sex in the City when the girls helped Carrie pack up her house and at the end, they all stood there and laughed that laugh that hid the truth…..the truth being, things are changing. 

  Yes things are changing.  And I couldn’t be more proud or more honored to watch another sister take flight. ….she’s experienced a lot.  As did my other two sisters.  Indy holds so much intense pain from various outlets for all of us.  When I think about all four of us as a whole,  its hard for me to fathom how I’ve stayed here within the confines of my pain for so long but I’m looking  for my out.  Its just not my time yet.  When it is, I trust that I will know.  In the meantime, I will keep working towards that liftoff for me personally so that someone else may hold in tears behind smiles that hid the truth.   But my sisters, all three of them, found this place to be a place of pain and love, hurt and happiness and time and space.  They’ve spent their time here….now its time for space.  Distance….this sister of mine still has a some months left before she opens those wings out completely and I watch her flight while pretending the wind is what is making my eyes tear up.  But this is the countdown.  That countdown I’ve experienced two other times.  And I’m not a pro…..and although my eyes are not blurry at this moment, bits and pieces of it coming together do make me tear up. …but again, not in a bad way. ….not even in a selfish way….almost in a melancholy-joyful way.  Another sister I will hate to see leave but will love to watch her fly.  She deserves it.  So did my other two.  As I see her get closer and closer to the end of this plank, as much as the grand finale will pain me internally, I would be a lie if I said I am not inspired.  Not just by her leaving, but by her fearlessness….all one needs is a drop of it, kinda like melanin, and you can overcome anything that makes you want to turn around and run.  She is not running.  She is walking, in her own pace, towards the lift off….and her wings are not at her sides…..they are opening…..as a matter a fact, they are moving…..finding their footing out here…..and pretty soon, she will be another teaching moment for me…..a moment that dares me to say enough already, I want in on that ! Another moment for me to reflect and ask myself am I am too scared ??? Another moment of inspiring sisterhood.

I have three women that I look at like direct family.  Closeknit sisters.  Kin.  Beyond friendships.  These women have already made or are about to make a new life decision.  A huge one.  A sometimes lonely one, a hard one, a fun one and albeit, a BEAUTIFUL one. 
This IS TheScaryBeautiful. 

This is life.

This is not loss.  This is not ending friendships or sisterhoods or losing touch with each other.

This is a new beginning…..

This is LIFE.  …..a new chapter.  A new blossom on the tree just in time for spring. 

A new place on another side of the country that I get to run too sometimes ;)  

This IS sisterhood.   
Its selfish to wish  they would stay or come back or to wish I was going to.  But I’d be a lie if I said those things weren’t true.  Its hard to get close to people and then have to let them go.  But this isn’t letting go as in cutting ties.  This is letting go and letting live. Indy simply isn't big enough to hold all four of these personalities together.  The light that emits from the four of us individually is enough to rival Times Square. 

  Thru love, true love indeed, none of these bonds will ever be broken.  Space is just room for love to grow right ?  I believe so. 

So on this day, while I am no one’s professional at seeing off my sisters,

I look at it with a tear….a glossy, blurry tear that is welled up behind my retina…..and even tho this blog is sorta tell all-ish, she will likely never see that tear when it falls.  I want her to be wished well and from the heart.  I want her to grow.  I want her to LIVE….and be FREE.

Just like I wanted for my other sisters.

So I guess the only thing I am truly a pro at, is putting on this smile to hide the truth. The truth being, although my love will never change, I will (or already do) miss the hell out of my sisters...but i am SOOOO fucking inspired by you ladies....your fearlessness and your belief in you!

I love you ladies.

#ToTheMoon.

#jY