Suicide.

freewrite  inspired by Don Cornelius and any person who has ever even so much as THOUGHT about taking their own lives just to be pain free.......talk to me if you need to....where ever i am....i'll be there for you......much love, jY

Ever wondered what you were doing when the gun went off

Where you were when the pills were swallowed

Or who you laughed with after the body dropped

Or do you just keep it moving

Grooving to your own tunes that you stay engulfed in …exiting only for a brief breathe of fresh air and to see what all is stirring in the life pot…..

See out here

In the real world

We live to die

Dying to live because it the easy thing to do

Wishing we could take back the take backs and start over on right tracks but too lost to get back to where we once were, so we become suicidal thoughts acted out without the theater…

Conflicting resolutions in search of the truth

Waning optimism because no one seems to be there

Everyone is somewhere else when the first set of pills goes down

Someone is laughing when the gun blast sounds reverberate across brown temples

Rich men falling limp on beds

Poor girls, legs spread, tired of giving her vagina to the world but doesn’t know any other way to be loved, so she does what she does best

Swallows

Only this time it ain’t semen

We are the needy….people shun at us and call us demons…..

Banish us to Hell’s kitchen for sample of the cookies

Often laughed at, looked for inside of caskets and cried over after facts

Take that take that,

We sound like  Diddy as we raise the first foot to jump off the ledge

No longer caring about the left behinds, we move forward into darkening lights

Knowing our good fight is about to end by our own accord, we can’t sit still anymore and wait for the suicidal hotline to be free

Busy signals on everyone MUST mean no one cares about me

 So we flee crime scenes and into death pits

Don’t try to catch us once we fall

Late registration only applies for college

We ain’t teachers or classes

We classed out

Children who are on the ass out side of buddy system

Bullies stealing our innocence and purchasing lunch with our smile-tickets

So we hide in closets until swinging bodies make scratching sounds on walls

Mama finds us heartbroken and stiff

Ain’t too many strong people on this side

We deviate from the program long enough to close the book

Fuck chapters

We done writing

Done writhing

Done trying and crying in steam rooms where no one can feel our pain

People laugh at us

We the suicidal

A long white bus with devil horns, no longer caring whether up or down is our final destination

All we know is this place of desensitization is not full of enough green pastures to tame us therefore we MUST be beasts….

Done trying to convince ourselves that we belong here

Our lives were formed from the blooper reel the time our parents had neglectful sex

Whats next but to buried….

You thought we were joking when we said the pain is unbearable…

 Black people don’t commit suicide

That’s what we hear

So where were you

When the gun blast went off……

Eating at the dinner table????

Putting your children to sleep….praying over their christened bodies that they would dream of candy rain and wonderland wishes, while dishes crash cause sliced wrists can’t hold the towel anymore……

Where were you

when broken bodies touched floors in search of peace

Self eviction from life

This is what WE call going under the knife!!!

We live to die

And we are dying to live because dying is the easiest thing we learned to do

Where were you

When the pills went down esophagus’ that would have rather been pushing lonely water to thru to our bellies

Too many thoughts of rigor mortis in dark rooms that are tinted with painted sunshine make us think this is the best choice we will ever make….

Nothing is bright enough anymore…

.life was a complete mistake…

We crash into death like a collision course runway walk

Call us road kill models

We are conduits

Who will you believe

What you wish were true

or your lying eyes

The next time you hear

Black people don’t commit suicide

Just ask the dead body what time it fell and see wont you fail to reap a response

We were reaper keepers

Making hardcore decisions that can’t be undone

The unthinkable is right in front of your house

Reaching out by word of mouth but saying so little in front of faces

Watch for the signs

We are dying at young ages by the dozens

Meeting familiar faces and kissing older cousins who have driven the same route

Stop trying to figure us out and help us get in!!!!!

Unless you prefer when our spirits beg the answer to the question of where have YOU been??/

What were YOU doing when the bullet blacked out the future

Where were you going when the pills coagulated into a poison inside stomach muscles

We swallow milk to keep from vomiting ourselves back to life

We got instructions so it won’t backfire

Knife slices wrist

Hand wraps noose

Fingers clench triggers

Throat pushes pills

Everything turns blue as the blood cradles our backs

Then it goes white

Then….

…………………..

We fade to black.

We’re done here.

Where were you.

Before now?