Ummm This IS Newsworthy.

I need a haircut.

...Cause on a journey amongst thieves....

".... something worth dying for^^."

...........

“you have
to 
find  .   .  .

....

Eat. Pray. Love. Live. Part Deux

Ok…..i’m on yet another journey.  I usually like to start stuff like this at the beginning of the month or a the week or whatever.  But this one is different.  It is mentally in high demand that I take a moment and explore myself deeper than I did previously.  I think the first time I did this, it can be agreed upon that I just LIVED ….or at least a little bit more than I did any of the rest of it….praying, loving, eating….

Well I definitely ate.

But this time…I want to take it totally serious.  I want to do the entire journey, not just bits and pieces of it.  I do not know when exactly I will start it, as I am currently mapping out the blueprint for it, which is something I didn’t have last time.  I mean, I had a general idea of what I wanted to do….eat, pray, live and love, but I didn’t have like a real blueprint to  tell me how to do it….i was just coasting…going as I was naturally going and hoping that in the process, I would be eating, praying, loving and living.  And I did manage to do that for a bit, but now, I need something solid from this….i’ am trying to get somewhere with my art, my life and my heart.  I am in a transitional stage; one I haven’t been in for a long time.  After recently letting go of Mr. Small Fries, buying new door locks, changing my sheets from boo-hoo’s to 300 thread counts, bought a cute lamp for my bedroom, a new pillow and trying to mentally make this as easy on myself as I can, I know now more than ever that I need mental cleaning.  I am heart broken more by a friend than I am by him, but the fact that I am used to having him around makes for an odd adjustment period.   The fact that he is completely ok with losing me hurts the most, but I can’t go back because I don’t want to acknowledge that he doesn’t care anymore.  I want to be loved in the same way I see love being passed around with other people.  So …..the change has already begun.  But let me tell you, last night was truly a hard night…i. laid stretched out on those new silky ass sheets and craved his body next to me so bad, I felt like a true addict.  All I could do was light up TheHealthyCure and turn up Unsung on Alexander Oneal….looking at his mouth is a surefire way to dry up the wettest DownBelow area……..for a good ten minutes, I laid flat on my back imagining how grand the sex would be on these soft sheets, after not talking for nearly a week….how good his touch would be if it were running along my legs….how tight he would hold me…..i know he would have held me tight, especially throughout the night….he loves the mixed signals…I think they turn him on….i kept hearing that small voice tell me to just call him, don’t let him past the living room, have erotic passionate sex with him and put his ass out…..i knew it wouldn’t work like that….so I left my phone alone. 

Spent the night alone.  Saved my friskyness for someone that will appreciate more than just the fact that I am a fabulous bed friend….and I am.  I know it.  But I can’t rely on that….i got so fabulous because I been with someone on and off for six years…..we KNOW each other….fabulous sex is hardly ever from strangers.  So.  Paulie Pipes it will continue to be.

Then there is the noise.  I have a lot of that in my head that is stopping me, in my opinion, from getting to the next step and that must change as well.  So I would like to practice meditation.  I tried to do it a few days ago for five minutes  before I opened the email that would tell me that my play wasn’t considered good enough for DivaFest, which is just fine by me……..i am surprised by my lack of hurt by this situation….but whatever the case, I still know I need the noise to dissipate from my head so I can get on to the next space…..i possibly blogged about that a few days ago, but I cant remember…..

So this journey.

This new eat.pray.love.live. journey is about mapping out a blueprint and knowing what I want out of it and looking for the results in real life.  I shall share the blueprint I come up with and I invite any of you/all of you to join me on this journey….feel free to explore yourself as I explore mine….feel free to use my blueprint and see what we may come out with.  My journey will end April 1, 2012.  I want to journey all the way through Women’s Month.  But I want to start very soon.  So hopefully, Monday ish, I can….idk….we’ll see.  As for right now.

I just want to get to the next level.  I do believe I have another chance at making shit pop for me and my world of PoetGirl.  But it will deflate if I can’t get my mind right and I know that.  So….as I begin a new challenge and let go of lots of past, I ask for prayer, comments, thoughts, ideas….anything…..i’m not “in need”…I’m not breaking down or going crazy…I’m just trying to get stronger and more complete within self.  I want to spiritually GROW and I want to be able to not have a public meltdown when shit is spinning out of control.  I want to be.  I don’t want to hold onto things or people, past their due dates…..i don’t want to feel bad for how I feel or for who hurts me….i don’t want to explain shit.  I just want to be.  If you hurt me, I want to be.  If you love me, I want to be.  I don’t want either of the two to “make me” ….in any way. 

God willing, I will succeed at all of this.

As for right now…..i am creating the blueprint to my future.

Join me?

               

“because on a journey amongst thieves, you have to find something worth dying for"

   ~janYork, Just a Poete

Day Six

This blog will only last as long as the song playing…..

NP: Someone Like You - Adele 

Sigh.

I’m not sad…I’ve had a really decent day, although nothing exciting has taken place….its been lowkey at the office.  …I’ve been relaxed and chill…I’m about to order a pair of dope shoes from VS….i’m good.

I just HAD  to go have a look at him…..i got so caught up staring at him, that it took my text message ring to go off and snap me back to where it is I am…I’m not inside of that picture and I never was.

I don’t think he ever saw the pictures of us….not all of them. ….i remember when I first got them back, I was SOOOOO effing amazed at how beautiful they turned out to be….he was never meant to be in the shoot like a love shoot…I had a “role” I wanted him to play but it sorta just happened naturally rather than how I had it planned…..now those pictures are a permanent reminder of yet another failure I have under my belt…..and I did fail….in the beginning….i failed as many times as his poor heart would allow me….i beg to wonder what I may have done for the next woman he will love, but then I remember him and he’ll love again…..just the way he loved me….with his heart and his spirit and until either of them are broken, he will continue.

But I broke both of them. I broke his spirit and his heart.

And now.

We are forever irreparable

Song's over.  

This is Day Six.  15 more days and I shouldn’t even still be talking about him.

jY

random self thought…..

 

 

 

 

 

Am I afraid to die?

Credit, Thank You & Vicariously Living thru a Photo

Photo Credits: Kay Joe Unscripted 

Anyone who knows me for longer than five minutes, knows fairly quickly that NYC is my home away from home….

Anyone who knows me longer than 10 minutes, knows that I have a slight obsession from NYC….

And anyone who has known me longer than an hour, probably has come to the odd conclusion that I REALLY have the audacity to believe I am from NYC when it is clear as day, either by my accent (or lackthereof) or the corn falling out of my pockets, that I am born and raised in HOosierville, USA, otherwise known as sleepy ass naptown, Indianapolis, Indiana….yeah…..and still, I have managed over the years to find some genuine love for this city….

However…

NYC is my home.  Its hard to explain but I swear there has yet to be another place in the states that brings that sort of freedom to my spirit. 

Well….i say all of this to say….have you noticed my new background?????

Probably so, if you are reading this….however, I suppose if you are not reading from the comfort of a PC or a laptop or Mac or I-whatever, then its possible that my background is completely oblivious to you……but I digress (I love saying that)

….in case you didn’t know, yesterday my background was and has been since I got this blog years ago, Grand Central Station…..lights beaming in the windows, people walking and Sepia--toned old look that reminds me of Harlem Jazz for some reason…..yeah…..so finally, I changed it…..

I had come across a picture on facebook a week or so ago that was so beautiful it took my breath away…..and I mean, upon me seeing it, I gasped….so serious!!!! It is a night shot and its almost black & white looking, but I wonder if that was the intent or just the fact that it was nighttime….either way, this picture, which has now become my new background, was beautiful…..in the seconds I stared blank-faced into my work PC, I was blown away…..how could something so beautiful be so far from ME???? How could a picture worth so many thousands and thousands of words not be taken BY me….(lol…you KNOW I love taking pics….esp when in NYC)…..

This picture took me right into the heart of Times Square……the tall buildings, the dark but still busy, still heavily flooded, frequented and aliveness of it all…..it looked as if there were people by the thousands beneath these buildings walking the grand streets of NYC, in search of the same oooh and ahh that I experience every single time I go……the picture was not a mix of dark buildings, lit only by random office lights…..it was a mix of cultures, heights, loves and a totality of respect that can only be comprehended by a true Yorker, or at least someone who pretends to be in her not so spare time……

This picture was so beautiful, that I downloaded it off facebook to my desk computer because I just wanted to be able to look at it on those days that I needed to feel closer to NYC……..only thing was, this was NOT my picture…..as stated earlier, I didn’t take it…..matter a fact, the person who did take it, while it is true he is my FB friend, is not someone I know personally…..

Yesterday, while trying to pass the time away, I started playing around on my blog with the settings and found myself totally pictureless and damn blogless….i don’t know what buttons I clicked but I caught hell trying to get back to Grand Central Station…..then I realized I had the power to change my blog picture from the ones they had available to whatever I wanted to upload…..after trying a few pictures of me performing, I scrolled past the downloaded picture of NYC, taken by my FB friend and decided to just “see” what it would look like…….

Shit was DOPE.

So I left it……..then I got home…..and started thinking….i remember seeing someone with a picture of me as their profile picture……the picture itself was nothing….it just said “poetry saves” inside of a book, presumably a journal or something similar…..this person, who I really didn’t “know”, had taken the pic off my page or possibly my blog or somewhere and made it her propic…..i didn’t get upset because all it said was Poetry Saves and I could understand why she would want that as her propic…..but it was odd….for two reasons….one because it was my picture, I didn’t really know who this person was and I really had no idea where she got it or what her motivation was……oh and the other reason is because, although all you can see is what I described, the un-cropped version of that picture is SO much more…..it was a complete nude shot of ME, holding my journal with those words written out on it….the journal just happened to be in front of my whooohaaagotyouallincheck ;)    But the cropped version, is just the book ….and its hard to make out anything else in the picture but the book.  So I didn’t say anything…I figured I KNEW she didn’t know what it was and it was all innocent enough……but anyway, as I road home, this crossed my mind and I thought about my blog, NYC and the person who shot this beautiful masterpiece of the place I would love to call home from his hotel room and I thought to myself, how would he feel if he happened upon my blog and noticed his picture on it…..wouldnt it make him feel “some kind of way”, whether he could explain it or not????

So I reached out to him….thank God for the new fb, where it is so much easier to find things you’ve posted or commented on….i didn’t really remember who took the pic, but in five minutes, I had it back up….so I asked for his permission and let him know I am major-obsessed with NYC (w/o going into too many details)…..

He said yes…..i promised to credit him with taking the picture and giving me the permission to use it…..

So this long ass blog was created just for that!!!! LOL….only me huh ???

His name (at least on facebook J ) is:::

Kay Joe Unscripted  

He is a poet as well and actually has a show coming up February 25 at One Night Only (Chicago)

http://onenightonlytheexperience.eventbrite.com/ 

I have read some of his FB poetry posts and they are pretty great, so by all means check him out!!!! I don’t know if he does photography professionally or if he is like me and manages to catch paparazzi shots naturally (at times…lol…I am by no means a professional picture taker)……but either way, I would like to sincerely thank him for a small, but very kind gesture…..this pic just happens to be his cover picture on facebook and he could have easily said No, I would like you NOT to use my shit, thank you” …..if that’s what he wanted to see……free will right??/

But he said yes…..

And thanx to his yes…..when I come to this blog, at least for the time this picture remains, which if my Central Station picture is any indication of how often I change my blog pics, this one might be here until I can take my own NYC pic and top it!!!!!

….but when I come here, to my blog, my place of literary freedom to speak, feel and shout, I will feel THAT much closer to home…..the home away from home that is….technically, I’m already home.

Either way….special thank you, background photo credit and love to Kay Joe Unscripted  (look him up on facebook!!!) for giving me the permission to live vicariously through his photo.

This blog may take you about ten minutes to read….

Anyone who knows me longer than 10 minutes, knows that I have a slight obsession with NYC….

Bet you can tell that from me turning a thank you and a picture credit into a 3 page word documented blog. 

MyLifeAsAPoetGirl

jY

Nevermind, I’ll find someone like you….

 

and let the church say:

amen

 

Sometimes, there is an epiphany so powerful and such a hard smack of reality to the face that it is nearly impossible to believe that you have believed what you have for so long….

or that you have been doing certain things (or people) for so long….

this epiphany causes your life to be highlighted momentarily, brightly enough to for you to come to terms with fate; be it what has happened, what will be the outcome or what needs to be done. 

Today, while walking to the gas station and entertaining myself with outloud thoughts, I carelessly threw my voice into raw air and let out what would turn into an epiphany within seconds…

                 ~I spent my ENTIRE 20’s in a relationship~

LMAOOOOOOOO …

sorry….I’m watching Sex in the City.  ….I write to it sometimes and it just so happened to be the show that entertained my lost emotions when I got out of my last relationship…ironically, back when Small Fries still had love and respect for me, he bought me the entire gift set of the series….I wonder does that mean that I won’t be able to use it to help propel me forward this time.  Hmmm….*shrug*

                                    also….the episode I’m watching is called “They Shoot Single People Don’t They” ….its really good….its about what women settle for in order not to be the dreaded “single”….ha!  I’m watching it from beginning to end and then on to both movies….by the time I make it all the way thru, I should be well on my way to healing my hurt heart.

so where was i….I don’t know what I did to mess up my format but its whatever.  …oh yeah, my epiphany…..so I realized I spent my entire 20’s in a relationship with one of three men, the last of which has made it into the first third of my 30’s.  He…THEY cannot have my 30’s.  At least not all of them.  God I hate to leave.  I hate even more to stay.  I’m single with a man who is single.  I’m confused.  I’m down on me but then quickly pick it back up because I realize with clear eyes the woman I am now.  Which is a far cry from the woman I was in my 20’s and even the person I was when me and Small Fries met…..but I fucked him up.  ….I know it….I changed the rules to relationship and no matter how great of a reason I can come up with, the bottom line is I did some things I shouldn’t have done and in the process, he got REALLY hurt. 

and has turned into the good guy that just doesn’t give a shit.  He’s not a dog….I don’t want it to seem like he is….he is not….he genuinely a good guy and he was a great guy when we got together and did make it a point to make me smile……apparently he’s a cheat but then, since he doesn’t recognize me even in a friend-form, maybe he’s not cheating.  ….even now, when together, we have a great time….and it is that great time that makes this both hard and necessary.

hmmmm….Bradley Cooper is in this episode.  Bet his paychecks have changed in the years since. Ha!

well lookie here…I got back to right format…..just in time to tune back into my epiphany…..in my 20’s, I spent a total of about 6 months TOPS, and I wonder if its even less time, single.  Period. Dot.  Wow.  That is crazy.  I have never realized that before my walk home today.  And further cemented my deal of changing my locks tomorrow.  I can’t wait.  even thought I do not expect or suspect that he has been or is coming over, I just want that peace of mind and I do not want to request he bring me the key.  But I refuse to give him anymore of my years.  Any more of my life that he feels is so worthless.  I refuse to continue to torture myself with this inane constant fear of being forgotten.  Who gives a rats ass if he forgets me?  And more than that, that is impossible.  I will forever have our loved immortalized on the SAY Something cd, and it is ironically a lot of people’s favorite poem on there.  But those days are over.  Maybe I did it.  Maybe he shouldn’t 'have stayed this long if this is how he wanted to be, but I can tell that punishing me emotionally damn near gives him a hard-on  What ever the excuses or reasons or causes, there is only one cure.

My life is worth more…..my love is worth more…..than to continue to spend day in and day out with someone who could care less whether I’m dead or alive…..or at least, has no problem with making me FEEL that way. …I owe it to my uplifting poems that I write with intent to share and LIFT UP females just like me who have learned about love the hard way or wrong way….

And my shoe game is too bad ass to sit around with a dusty muthafucka who doesn’t realize that people grow up and change and deserve to be forgiven OR forgotten.  Not both.   I will not punish myself any longer.

I will not be this hard on myself again.

I will not let another man who is undeserving of my timeshare, regardless of how he got that way, stick around to stand on me.

I will not let fabulous sex warrant a phone call or text. 

I will delete my faux facebook page, and I will move on with my life and not worry about who he is loving, who he is laughing with or how they met.  I will not worry about the memory of me or me and him.  I will not torture myself.

I will not punish myself.

I will remember myself.  my 30’s….and I will live them one of two ways: single OR with someone who ecstatic to be with me. 

and let the church say,

amen.

 The End.

                                     ~januarieYork

Freewrite: A New Journey

Aint this how you like it
Daddy
Big dog
Man on top
And this how you like me?
When Im bent over
And your words bait me like mango colored salmon, hooked up in your claws
Your fist kiss my jaws with precision
Strong breaks
Knocking cavities to opposite corners, aint this how you like me
Bleeding
Pleading…..nose running, mascara ice skating down moistened cheeks
Don’t you like swollen eyes
Don’t you love swollen eyes, bruised thighs….dont that make you fee llike the man
Daddy
Big dog
You run this town
Bumping jeezy in your throwback old scholl but too scared to fight a man so you let your bullets be your conversations
Don’t care about shit
Except me
And you like me
Turned on my side, ribs broken
You like sexing after nasty name calling
You like me when I’m crying
Folded in four years tantrums, but frozen to the corner due to injury
And that makes you wanna sleep with me
Cause look at me, ain’t I sexy….
Ain’t I sexy
Make up smeared, hair trashed, stash of cleavage broken by sweat mixed drips of my hemoglobin
Break my nose into a model
Ain’t that how you like it
This submission, you don’t need no reason
You don’t need no reason
No reason
Because is there a possible reason for me to lay solidly on soft white quilted shadows, 25 watt bulbs to hide the facial scars that could be fixed thru the Maybelline
Hair covering the gunshot to the temple
Don’t you like it when Im dead
Don’t you love you me when I’m dead
Ain’t this how you like me .
Freewrite, 10:39 pm
So this is a freewrite I just had, before I go to bed…I’m glad to see my writing coming back….some of it may not make sense….because it’s a freewrite….and normally I wouldn’t post a freewrite that I know is scatterbrained and kinda eh, ya know…. *simpleshrug* but I’m posting this because I intend on working on this later…im headed to bed…so..i’m posting this to so you can see the progress of me morphing a freewrite into a poem ready to perform….so this…is the raw uncut, unedited, version one. I usually don’t have a lot of versions, but , I haven’t really been writing much at all….so I’m prepared for whatever…not gonna post every version, but I figure this is a cool little journey to go on together…..also, I’m looking for suggestions on what I should challenge myself to do for the next 28 days, since its already the first….i don’t know what to do….the 31 days of januarie was not always easy, but I managed to get them all in there ….i didn’t blog to keep with it….*shrug*…still got some work to do there…so….maybe I should continue to work on self-discipline ??
If so, what??/
Taking suggestions…and of course you can just remain silent *final shrug*

Suicide.

freewrite  inspired by Don Cornelius and any person who has ever even so much as THOUGHT about taking their own lives just to be pain free.......talk to me if you need to....where ever i am....i'll be there for you......much love, jY

Ever wondered what you were doing when the gun went off

Where you were when the pills were swallowed

Or who you laughed with after the body dropped

Or do you just keep it moving

Grooving to your own tunes that you stay engulfed in …exiting only for a brief breathe of fresh air and to see what all is stirring in the life pot…..

See out here

In the real world

We live to die

Dying to live because it the easy thing to do

Wishing we could take back the take backs and start over on right tracks but too lost to get back to where we once were, so we become suicidal thoughts acted out without the theater…

Conflicting resolutions in search of the truth

Waning optimism because no one seems to be there

Everyone is somewhere else when the first set of pills goes down

Someone is laughing when the gun blast sounds reverberate across brown temples

Rich men falling limp on beds

Poor girls, legs spread, tired of giving her vagina to the world but doesn’t know any other way to be loved, so she does what she does best

Swallows

Only this time it ain’t semen

We are the needy….people shun at us and call us demons…..

Banish us to Hell’s kitchen for sample of the cookies

Often laughed at, looked for inside of caskets and cried over after facts

Take that take that,

We sound like  Diddy as we raise the first foot to jump off the ledge

No longer caring about the left behinds, we move forward into darkening lights

Knowing our good fight is about to end by our own accord, we can’t sit still anymore and wait for the suicidal hotline to be free

Busy signals on everyone MUST mean no one cares about me

 So we flee crime scenes and into death pits

Don’t try to catch us once we fall

Late registration only applies for college

We ain’t teachers or classes

We classed out

Children who are on the ass out side of buddy system

Bullies stealing our innocence and purchasing lunch with our smile-tickets

So we hide in closets until swinging bodies make scratching sounds on walls

Mama finds us heartbroken and stiff

Ain’t too many strong people on this side

We deviate from the program long enough to close the book

Fuck chapters

We done writing

Done writhing

Done trying and crying in steam rooms where no one can feel our pain

People laugh at us

We the suicidal

A long white bus with devil horns, no longer caring whether up or down is our final destination

All we know is this place of desensitization is not full of enough green pastures to tame us therefore we MUST be beasts….

Done trying to convince ourselves that we belong here

Our lives were formed from the blooper reel the time our parents had neglectful sex

Whats next but to buried….

You thought we were joking when we said the pain is unbearable…

 Black people don’t commit suicide

That’s what we hear

So where were you

When the gun blast went off……

Eating at the dinner table????

Putting your children to sleep….praying over their christened bodies that they would dream of candy rain and wonderland wishes, while dishes crash cause sliced wrists can’t hold the towel anymore……

Where were you

when broken bodies touched floors in search of peace

Self eviction from life

This is what WE call going under the knife!!!

We live to die

And we are dying to live because dying is the easiest thing we learned to do

Where were you

When the pills went down esophagus’ that would have rather been pushing lonely water to thru to our bellies

Too many thoughts of rigor mortis in dark rooms that are tinted with painted sunshine make us think this is the best choice we will ever make….

Nothing is bright enough anymore…

.life was a complete mistake…

We crash into death like a collision course runway walk

Call us road kill models

We are conduits

Who will you believe

What you wish were true

or your lying eyes

The next time you hear

Black people don’t commit suicide

Just ask the dead body what time it fell and see wont you fail to reap a response

We were reaper keepers

Making hardcore decisions that can’t be undone

The unthinkable is right in front of your house

Reaching out by word of mouth but saying so little in front of faces

Watch for the signs

We are dying at young ages by the dozens

Meeting familiar faces and kissing older cousins who have driven the same route

Stop trying to figure us out and help us get in!!!!!

Unless you prefer when our spirits beg the answer to the question of where have YOU been??/

What were YOU doing when the bullet blacked out the future

Where were you going when the pills coagulated into a poison inside stomach muscles

We swallow milk to keep from vomiting ourselves back to life

We got instructions so it won’t backfire

Knife slices wrist

Hand wraps noose

Fingers clench triggers

Throat pushes pills

Everything turns blue as the blood cradles our backs

Then it goes white

Then….

…………………..

We fade to black.

We’re done here.

Where were you.

Before now?