Right Now.....

.............there is a single tear lounging beneath my eye....it will fall momentarily.

i fear momentary falls.
wonder if i can get back up from them sometimes
how many times can i scrap the same knee before it needs amputating???

i'm listeing to Sia, Breathe Me, which has become one of my high rotation songs.

i'm not sad
or depressed
or upset
i'm just
blah

wordless
haven't written a poem in months.
not tripping on that because i've just been really busy with my art, so its not really a writers block thing ,but i wonder

"can i do it again"
can i write another poem that is just as meaningful and loved as Brownstone in Brooklyn or The Architect??? At what point will my work become not solid enough for the masses.....???


this cd
the gift and the curse

i should've expected it
a small innocent conversation only SLIGHTLY regarding my cd sent me left field so fast that i couldnt catch myself to get outta the rage zone.....

i'm living a double life
in the day i am a data entry clerk....with a much fancier title but not so fancy pay.
its a cool job, no complaints .....but if this were my mission, if i weren't an artist, i dont know how i'd feel about just being "this".....
but im ok

and i just wiped that tear off my cheek because its motion was so slow that the salty-ness started burning my cheek.....my facial skin is extremely sensitive

and so another has formed and is making its way into the corner, ultimately to fall down the side
probably get halted and burn my cheek again

so where was I???

oh ...my double life.....at night, i'm a student....shit, this is a triple life....going to school AGAIN...and not even saying for what because it shouldnt matter to anyone but myself....but something i throroughly enjoy....school reminds me that i have an outstanding degree that was a year away from completion and here i am starting over.....and running away from a bachelors degree i damn near had in my hand....another uncompleted project courtesy of me.

*sigh*
no regrets.
no plan b
its just this.....all i really have in this world is my art.....with my writing, i attempt to break the normal molds and do shit MY way....i attempt to prove doubters wrong, to make listeners listen and to above all things, inspire, enjoy and be free.

la douleur exquise.
it is definitely a case of exquisite pain
i fear not seeing this come into fruition
i've always related to Pac in that way, and i'm sure previous blogs may say something of that nature.......
i've always felt like my life would be cut short .....i'm not being a drama queen, i'm sharing something VERY personal......just wiped the second tear...which was actually about the 100th....my eyes have been doing this shit all day.....

the exquisite pain....where was i???
oh yeah, Pac....cut short.....so yeah, everyday i wake and try my hand at making something pop....making something regarding my art, get me to the next level, the next step...i dont want to be stagnant, i fear being forgotten and i have regular twitter meltdowns that might showcase exactly how humanely unstable i really am......but shit....this IS who i am.  Idk....
and i have about 75 onlookers.....i'm thinking of blocking several ppl....not to be mean, but ....man......idk...i might honestly create yet ANOTHER twitter page just for my ranting....just so i can get it out and not have to worry about who's reading and what they thinking because folks dont say shit...they just internalize it all.....just like i do with just about everything....so i get it.....interpretation can be a muthafucka....yeah....
but i say this all the time.  its like a recurring blog theme....dun dun dunnnnn: Will she get a twitter or not>> lol.....

i'm scared of being the artist with all the talent that was wasted....
here comes another forming tear....
this one is headed towards the opposite corner of my eye......
am i accomplished??? Yes....
according to my performing resume, i am accomplished.....
but between toggling these three lives....oh yeah, thats where i really left off....i was only on the second life......the third is obviously as an artist.....the artist in me, more often than not, is in check, revved and ready to move forward in motion.....
but the rest of me is always so fucking confused....
then i never know who i can REALLY talk to....what i need is to stop playing and get a therapist, so serious!!!!!
i've shrunk my trust level down so fine that i damn near only trust my dogs...i dont understand barking when i'm upset or venting. ....
.....me and my journal's trust was broken years ago...just ask Small Fries...i haven't been able to connect with journaling since....
man i just feel like i don't have anyone to talk to and i know i have people to talk to but i need somewhere, someone where i can just be honest and cry about who hurt me and not have to worry about will it or won't it be repeated incorrectly....
i need to be able to be  told when i'm in the wrong, but still comforted at the same time....
not patronized........
 there is an art to that......
...........i am of the belief that EVERY artist has some level of depression within them AND that EVERY artist NEEDS an outlet OUTSIDE of their art because although their art may be what has or used to heal them, when healing becomes work, it loses its "power"....not much....
but just enough....it becomes so full of business that mediation and alone time with one's respective art is the only time that any possible "healing" will occur....
although i write from my heart....from the depths of it, no lie.....and although poetry has grown me into a greater woman as of now and to be,
its "healing" power is not gone, but i'm more numb to it now than before when i touched the mic for the first time.....it always feels good....ALWAYS feels like LIFE....like REBIRTh...i've spoken this in poems before, i can't describe fully exactly HOW it feels to be one with the stage, the audience and your heart.....smh....and its good....and its great....and its fun....
but a full time or pursuing artist can't stay in the heavens for too long...one must come down and be about business, straighten up, voice on and GO!!
idk...i'm rambling..
, its not an easy thing to be an artist, FROM INDPLS no doubt!!!! But to try balancing all these lives, all these personalities and know which ones to turn on or off and when is hard......its the number cause of my legalities......today, i took down my artist profile because it seemed purposeless......i thought that profile was a way for the artist me to connect more personally with "the ppl" but i feel like ......idk....it makes me feel not good more than it makes me feel good.....


this place.....this is the one place i come to and get instant relief...i dump out whatever the heck i'm feeling and i often feel better because of it.....idk....the air condition at my job makes me shitty!!!! it makes me want to be an artist more than anything!!!  I know, i'm random....but thats me....i originally set out for this to be a collage of all the messages i've received about my cd & respective show.  Look what it turned out to be.

time for class.

1/23/79

 

 

my bday is only a couple weeks away.

 

and God knows I want to live to see it.

but for the first time in awhile

im sad.

Someone Like You

 

“ nevermind I’ll find

someone like you …………………………………sometimes it last in love and sometimes……………

 

………..it hurts instead.”

 

“I braved a hundred storms to leave you”

 

Lord knows

I am so scared

but I am even more scared

to allow myself to remain this hurt

for this long

for nothing.

 

“its time to say goodbye, to turning tables”

SN: (all quotes are Adele, not me)

Decomp 101

I knew nothing else in the world that would help but to write something. 

Hopefully this will not be a long blog.

Just an exorcism.

I’m big on those these days.

Push these feelings out of me and keep it moving. 

I have that ability sometimes.

Especially with death.

Unfortunately, with life, it can go either way.

Today.

In this moment.

I just experienced something.

While on lunch

Nothing “happened” so to speak.

I just felt like the statement was worded wrong.

And its not that.

His statement was really just fine

But if he loved me.

At all like he used to.

The statement would have been worded differently.  Man, what i would give to feel yoked with someone.  to feel like equals.  to be inspired...to inspire.  to be in something better than a Ex-Casket. 

The small statement of "what did you want" set forth something inside of me that is never too far behind

I won’t go into all the details

most of our "issues" were created YEARS ago....we've been in each others company consistently for over 2000 days.....u do the math.....i'm foolish.  always have been.  Have no idea HOW to let go what has LET GO of me.  But i've said that in poetry before so that should be no shocker.

None of what has happened already matters except for the fact that the way we are is a result of me.  Circa 2007.  Ever wish you didn’t meet someone yet?

We had AMAZING potential.  I guess if it was never in the cards, then the potential was never to be reached, however, we had amazing potential.

The notes

Left on the dresser

The love

Felt

The touching….the way we eyed each other.  Just the overall feeling of love itself, being sent back to me.  For once, I wasn’t just the giver.

I was receiving as well.  I still have all the letters.  
I"m so much stronger and more prideful than this relationdip showcases me as.

For the last two years, I’ve been decomposing. 

Slowly

I’m starting to smell myself and I smell rotten

He smells like rigor mortis

“we”

Are dead

A dead issue

A dead statement

Broken letters that can’t stand rightside up correctly

I’m a hanger

He is a shirt

Or a coat

Maybe a pair of pants that falls out the other end

Whatever the case

I’m left hanging

And he loves that about me

Respects the fact that I am so desperately seeking true love, reciprocity, so needy of male emotion and not sexually and not just from anyone but from someone who is able to love me with all my flaws……he respects the hell out of that.

Because that in itself

Allows me to be his hanger

And he clothes me when he wants

But he usually gone for 8 hours at a time.

Sometimes more

Sometimes he doesn’t return for awhile.

He needs washing

We are monogamous.

I really do not doubt that for a second

He could never get better than this.  Period.  I stand by that.  I’m an aquarian woman.  He knows that.  It has nothing to do with cheating.  It has everything to do with emotional abandonment and truth is.....i can't say i blame him.  if the shoe was on the other foot, i'd have abandoned ship long ago.  but he didnt.  and now. this.

sex is nothing without something to connect you besides organs.

I am connected to the love we USED to share

He is connected to his organs

Does he love me?

Probably

Is he the man for me?

No

Will he marry me?

No.

Will he ever love me again?

No.

Has he ever cheated on me?

Yes.

Do I know who it was?

Yes.

Have I cheated on him?

Yes.

Does he know?

Yes.

Why are we still together?

******************

We’re not.

We are decomposing. 

In other words

We’ve fallen apart.

Yet I am still here.  Smelling like used to be’s.

Timestamp 2:58pm.

NP: sia, breathe me.

31 Days of januarie: The Art of Self Discipline

One of the things I need most in my life is self discipline.  Right now, even as I type this, I am doing something that I should not be doing, simply because I said to myself that I would not be doing it….yet here I am.  This lack of self-discipline spills out in other areas of my life, and with the mission I am on and the things I want to do and accomplish, not having this personal trait in my repertoire could prove to deadly, if only emotionally and professionally. 

rather than make new year’s resolution’s, I just make it a point to continue to grow.  You shouldn’t wait until the end of the year to collect all the things that went wrong in the year so you can make some grand resolution to be carried out and abandoned within the first 31 days of the new year.  So for me, I just continue what I’ve done the rest of the year……… grow.
What I WILL do differently this year is to try to practice something every month that will help me grow, be it artistically, mentally, spiritually or whatever.  I WANT TO GROW!!!!!
BUT-
- I have to be realistic about myself.  I know who I am, how I operate and what I do.  I know what I will abandon and how fast.  The key to growing and/or resolutions is not just to make realistic ones, but to have a plan of execution.  For us creative people, monotony is dangerous.  Repetition can create an almost instant abandon ship situation.  So I came up with something in my head that I know will work for me.  It will show me (and whoever is paying attention) my discipline, or lack thereof.  This month, my focus is on self – discipline.  A much needed trait in my life.  But in order to practice practicing self discipline, I have to have enough self discipline to do so.  Go figure.  So I spiced it up. 
for the next 31 days, I will be posting a picture a day.  Who knows who or what it will be.  It may be me.  It may be a rainbow or a butterfly or a smokescreen.  It may tell my mood of the day or how I feel at that second.  There is no plan for what it will be.  The rules are that the picture cannot come from offline and must be taken by me; not necessarily that day, but sometime within that week or so..  So that means I have to keep my camera on me handy.  People who the know the real ins and outs of me, know that photography is not something I just like to have done, but it is secretly one of my inner passions.  I think it’s part of the reason I love photoshoots so much; even though I am not the one taking the pictures, I get to play with fantasy and looks and blah blah blah…stuff photographers like… I love it and if but for writing, I think photography would have been my niche.  But I just like it for sport.  So I figured, in order to spice up the art of practicing self discipline, I would create a daily task that requires discipline, but only a speck of it.   It only takes a brief moment, especially in the age of technology, to take a picture and post it.  Lots of times I have attempted recurring posts of some sort and they always get lost in the folds because of that lack of discipline.  So that makes this a true challenge for me.  Its something I have never had the discipline to pull of before, but in the practice of this trait, I will likely force the discipline upon myself with such an ease that it becomes second nature quickly. 
well, at least that’s what I’m hoping.
So for the next 31 days of January, I will be posting pictures from “the januarie files”, daily….
the album has already been created on my facebook page and is called 31 days of januarie.  (duh) The first picture, as you can see, has already been posted.
in addition to the facebook posts, I will attempt my hand at weekly blogs, or sometimes daily blogs that will go with the picture.  The blog will simply tell what inspired the picture, what I got from the picture and blah blah blah….whatever comes from the picture. 
I am headed to the top.  I am done playing games.  I am a Star.  I am the Sun.  I deserve to enjoy my life, having lived out my purpose to the best of my potential.  I am on my second wind artistically.  I can either make it work or lose out.  I can own the year or wonder what happened to it.  I  can be the sun or I can be happiness; I can depend on what happens. 
In order to come out on top, I must have self discipline.  I want to see the world, travel the skies and live my life according to the path already designed for me.  and I know its there.  What better way to start this assignment with a picture from The Rock. 
The top of the rock!
TheTakeOverBreaksOver
jY