30 Days Later- Eat.Pray.Love.LIVE

Eat.Pray.Love.LIVE.

My 1^st 30 Days Review

So approximately one month ago today, I began a self appointed journey that I was driven to try, my own way, from reading an article in Essence Magazine that spoke of doing your on EPL journey.  For me, this journey came without explanation.  I didn’t know what I wanted from it or what I hoped would happen while on it, I just knew I needed a change and I needed to get closer to God.  I had lost my passion for writing….or maybe I lost my passion for performance seeing as though writing is something I never stop doing.  I didn’t know and to be honest, still don’t know, who I could trust, who my friends versus my foes are and why I was so caught up in caring about either.  I missed my sister in Atlanta.  I missed the days we just went driving for no reason and don’t have anyone I do that with.  I was suffering from nostalgia.  I missed Fighting Words;  I missed that camaraderie.   I missed the road, I missed the stage, I missed me.  Then I suck at being a part of a family, so I needed to work on that and more than all those things, I just wanted to grow as a person.  I wanted to learn more about what I love to do (writing/poetry);  I wanted to read more, laugh more, experience love in other ways from other avenues and I wanted to most of all, LIVE.  Something I toggle with doing despite the fact that I am alive.  I wanted to change.   So I embarked on day one, not knowing what would be different about it or what would happen.

Initially meant for one month, I extended this journey thru summer’s end around the first two weeks.  I saw the procrastination in me rearing its ugly head and decided that the disclipline needed to make this successful for my life, would take longer than the 30 days.  So with that said, I am going to do a recap of moments that stood out or meant the most to me:

1. I reinvented hanging with myself.  Never been one to not do something because I didn’t have a “plus 1” to do it with, I had started to lose that side of me.  I have thrown so many parties and hosted so many ladies nights, that somehow I think I started thinking everyone was my friend, when I knew damn well everyone wasn’t.  I started feeling like I needed someone there with me to do what I wanted to do; which I don’t.  I would miss out on shows and events I wanted to attend because no one was interested in doing these things with me.  That also started making me bitter.  As if, why the eff don’t people ever want to do some of the things I want to do when I so often do things with them that I on my own would not take part in, like movies for example.  I hate the movies.  This was something I was able to admit to myself while on this journey.  I don’t like going to the movies and a movie has to be something I REALLY want to see in order for me to go.  But I have often bypassed that to do with people what they wanted, but felt that reciprocated less often than fair.  But that’s ok.  I have attended several events/shows by myself again in the last 30 days.  I didn’t even ask people to go, I just took care of me.  And each time, though it would have been fun to have someone to whisper my thought of the moment to, I enjoyed myself nonetheless.  I’m back to lunches and dinners by myself, walks in the artistic broadripple or drives to no where with the music blasting.
2. I have spoken up about a few things:  known to keep my silence this is one I’ve been working on all my life.  I attended the Kools Bazaar show and ordered Crème Brulee…that shit was horrible…..for the first time in my life, I sent my food back and refused to pay for what I didn’t like.  And it worked with no problems.  I also had some issues with some people, nothing big, but I spoke up in my defense about it.  Something I am such a rookie at.   There are several other small stories that may mean nothing to mankind, but are gigantic steps for me personally and I must say, I am proud!
3. I took control of my writing career and poetry career.  Since taking that control, I am gearing up for a great show in September at the IMA’s Toby Theater with Ms. Tasha Jones, I am gearing up for my secret invite only cd release party (more on that in a sec) and I have started “freelancing” as a review writer for a local blog and a writer for Midwest Leak magazine.  These opportunities don’t put any cash in my pocket but they provide a door opening and the experience I need to continue to be successful.  I have also started a fashion blog designed to show women how easy it is to feel beautiful daily and change the way your energy flows. 
4. I’ve been blessed with a variety of things that have proven to me that the time is now for my cd to be released….everything I wanted or needed has started raining down in my lap again.  It has happened before, and I stood up and let it all fall out…this time, I understand better.  I have been blessed with a befitting venue, as well a few other things that mean the world to me and continue to prove the time has come.  I learned that I didn’t want to do a big production.  I don’t trust people to come to be honest.  (I’m learning to express more honesty with self).  So I decided to make it an invite only event to be shared with the people who I am either that close to or those who I know have been anticipating this moment almost more than me.  And for them, I have something very special planned.  All this and more at the end of this journey. 
5. I’ve dwindled my savings back down to the red zone.  Not a part of the plan, but something I just thought about and wanted to add in here so when I re-read this, and I will, I will be reminded that money spending discipline needs to be practiced during the next month.  However, I did get a television; something I have been in dyer need of.
6. I’ve cut out people.  The unnecessary people.  Not all of them yet, but little by little, I have learned that sometimes you open yourself up to people and people move on.  People grow old of you or find better people than you.  Whatever the case, dead weight is dead weight whether it’s a lover or a friend and im learning that regardless of what I wish or remember, some relationships don’t outlive their memories.  And im cool with that.
7. I’ve been blessed with Jill Scott (new cd) Beyonce (new cd); the re-release of Alicia Keys (songs in A minor) as well as a Sade concert (I completely missed John Legend to my extreme disappointment) and she was just priceless…no better way to say it; I am gearing up for Cirque Du Soleil in a few weeks, Kings of Leon shortly afterwards and to top it all off and to end this journey a cruise to Cozumel, Mexico.  This is called LIVE.
8. I got a new facebook to get away from all the noise and commotion that was going on, on the other one.  I just felt so disconnected which was quite the irony considering I was connected to over 1000 people.
9. I attended a golf outing and dinner at Live Casino with my job.  I just can’t explain how that made me feel.  Real cheesy but fabulous on the inside. 
10. I changed my name and decided shortly after saying it would be used for literary purposes, decided that not only was my name now januarieYork and I don’t care what anybody says, thinks or how often I get compared to P.Diddy, in addition to that, januarieYork would be my name. period.   Even if I am on stage.  nSAYchable has run her course and been run out the building.  And since I want to continue building and she started to tear it all apart, it was time she get laid to rest next to Butter.  Will people still call me nsay?? OF course, just like they still call me B or Butter, but in due time, it will be phased out.  Change is necessary.  Will I change my name again? Heavens no!! Was this absolutely necessary and unavoidable.  YES!

Things I need to work on for the next 30 days of Eat Pray Love LIVE.

-praying daily – this one is taking so much discipline to get right, it makes no sense

- posting less on facebook if it has nothing to do with my career; I have a blog and twitter for that

- saving money

- finishing up the final touches on La Douleur eXquise

- working within my community

- buy me a ring for my left hand – THIS JUST IN!!! I just discovered a diamond missing out of the ring I have worn on my left hand for the last 6 years.  I have two rings I wear every day. One is my grandfathers ring on my right and one was a gift years ago.  I am just in this moment realizing, after seeing this diamond gone, that it is time to let go completely.  This ring has a bit of significance to it, actually a lot.  But its time that it lay next to the gifted bracelet that was given to me a year before the ring.  Maybe in my book, you’ll read the story about the bracelet and how that Christmas turned out to be the most unforgettable and worst Christmas I have EVER experienced in my life.  Its time to get this ring off my hand, esp off my left hand.

- procrastination – this has got to go….maybe later ; )

- loving ME, MORE.  There is no way you can love yourself too much.  The more you love self, the less you allow outside factors to bring unnecessary pain to your life.

That’s it for now.  Thanx for reading (or not….cue *crickets*).

Red Carpet Ready.Set.Go!

Sometimes you wake up and want to experience life in Hollywood.  Maybe you live in a rural area where crazy wolves and fox roam free.  Or maybe you stay right off 38^th street where gunshots are frequent and poverty pisses you off.  Perhaps you stay right around the corner from the rich; so close you can taste the smell of their BMV Hybrid smoke.  Whatever the case, sometimes you just want to zone out.  You want to get away from it all, throw on that outfit you never get to wear, enjoy life in the moment and feel like you are in Hollywood; like a celebrity!  And why not, you are!  

            Well my dear Vogue ladies and gents, I bring you “The Paparazzi Red Carpet Event!  Fashion just got “high.” This event, put on by the team of various stylists behind “Paparazzi Ready”, was nothing short of fabulous.  Full of energy, great MC (Coryon), captivating entertainment, shoe and accessory vendors and what else but fabulous fashion!!  With flyers circulating that promoted a live, streaming red carpet and warned of fashion police, everyone appeared to take the notice serious and dressed like this event would later be aired on the E! Network.  The red carpet outside provided that Hometown Hollywood vibe, with the fancy background, news correspondent and camera flashes everywhere.  Inside, the VIP section was roped off in front, but the side areas, full of booths and tables, made for great views of the field goal shaped stage. 

       

     The room quickly filled to a crowd of bold metallic colors and one of a kind dresses; 5 inch stilettos with KY Derby hats and perfect fitting slacks with simple dress shoes.  Fellow local poet, Jus Will, opened the show dressed in two piece get up that was a poem by itself and professionally spit a piece about his personal style that made us blush a little, laugh a lot and above all, give up mad respect.  The tone was set.  Coryon kept the crowd pleased with the easiness of his spirited and fun personality.  Once the show got started, within ten minutes of the actual start time (which is great btw), the models owned the room.  The male models glided out in smooth rhythms, ready for either Jazz at the Park or the tennis game.  It has officially been proven, if never before, that black men can indeed look good, be fresh and comfortable, all in one outfit, with pants pulled up!  But I digress.  The women, dressed like delicate diva’s, posed like rockstars while awaiting their turn to walk the plank.  Once on the floor, each model smized hard enough to touch tyra and strutted in high stiletto’s like they were each the inventors of the runway!!!!  It was fabulous, the music was perfect and the additional performances kept any chance of monotony at bay.  One performer, the violinist Ms. Ro Broaddus, left the crowd speechless with her string performance of Kanye West’s All of the Lights; intro AND full song! There was also a hip hop performance towards the end that ensured everyone was still hype and prepared for the grand finale, which was as flawless as the rest of the show.  And of course, Coryon continued to keep us full of a joking spirit.

 For an affordable price, all of us fashion and entertainment enthusiasts were treated to an evening of Hollywood flair, right here at home.  Everywhere I looked people were laughing, chatting it up and looking stunning!  38^th Street police sirens or packs of roaming wolves were left stuffed in our dressers at home. No one was thinking about money woes or work in the morning.  On that Sunday night, we were all celebrities in our own right.  We looked and supported the part.  We took pictures, had pictures taken of us and saw women and men, who looked and were created like us, moving across the runway as if walking was an art form.  So what if we can smell the rich people up the street?  Look at us!  We are fabulous.  We are beautiful.  Heck we are couture!  And that night, we were Red Carpet Ready!

*Paparazzi Ready is a fashion style team, ready and available to help YOU find/get/own your style.  It consists of a team of barbers, stylists, make-up artists and fashion experts.  Find them at paparazziready.com and let them bring you into a world of Milan right inside your own walk in closet! 

***Editors Note (lol): this blog was written, as a part two, to a fashion show review i published for "i'mjussayin's tumblr account.....this review will eventually be posted on that blog, as well as my blog, but for now, i wanted to get it up and out....why? because i wrote it, so i own it and i can do with it what i please.....lololol...but really because, no never mind, that was the real reason. 

"This Ain't No McDonalds!!!!"

    So the other night I rode around with a couple of girlfriends for a little “spring air” taken from the rich streets of Meridian.  Meridian is the main north-south street in Indianapolis.  Traveling south will take you right into the heart of not only downtown, but the poor, the gentrified and the homeless.  North bound increases in cash flow from the point of 38th and upwards.  The houses get bigger, the cars are fancier and the street lights decrease, are in sync and happy to allow you to cruise out of the inner-city and head to into the land of the carefree (depending on who they invest with).  Needless to say, we went north.  Top back, music playing and doing a little bit of tree climbing.  On our way towards the smell Louboutin shoe closets and expensive BMW’s, my friend Blondie* says to me “Have you heard the FLoacist’s cd?” 
“Yeah, i replied.  It’s cool but I like Marsha Ambrosius’ cd better.  It gets more rotation!” I went on to talk about how I bought both her and the Floacist’s cd at the same time and how I’d only listened to the Floacist’s cd once but gave her former partner’s cd the business.  And that is the truth.  I have listened to Late Night, Early Mornings so much that I honestly believe I know the words to every song.  It was in my car until Adele came along.  I think I may have mentioned that as well.  But the Floacist’s cd just didn’t really resonate with me.  It had some jams, don’t get me wrong.  But I wasn’t compelled to carry it with me back and forth from the house to the car, as in the case with LNEM. 
Blondie proceeds to turn on the cd.  We were all feeling as good as the 60* breeze that massaged our shoulders and scratched our scalps.  The first song came on and I sat 50 ft high listening, arms in the air, jamming!  Loved it!  Next song, same thing.  Third song hit me hard.  As with the fifth.  Hell, I’m not even sure there was a fifth song playing.  Our ride was about 20 minutes or so, so I imagine there could have been time for fifth song.  Lets just say, I heard a lot of the cd.  And it was just as great as Marsha’s.  As we circled our way back south towards the poverty stricken south end, I had an epiphany.  I started naming my epiphanies awhile back because they come so often.  This one I think I will call “The Drive By Epiphany”.  Marsha Ambrosious and Natalie “The Floacist” Stewart once made up a beautiful group of musically driven poetry by the name of Floetry.  After the first cd, I was an avid fan and by the time the second cd dropped, I was waiting on the tour.  But their sudden breakup led to a loss for me and I am a music head to the 1000th power.  Not a hip hop head.  Not a R&B groupie.  I am a MUSIC fan.  Once I am a FAN of yours, you are almost a part of my life as if we know each other.  Your music becomes the way we find friendship.  Our conversations are on wax and I love it when I find a person or a group who’s conversations I don’t have to skip past.  FLoetry was like that for me.  Virtually two flawless cds.  But there season, as they say, ended.  And they went on to do separate solo careers.  I’m not even sure when The FLoacist’s cd was released, but I know after the anticipation I had built up for the more heavily promoted R&B cd, LNEM, it was a great pleasure to find out that I could buy them both at the same time.  It was almost like I was reconstructing the group. 

The first few times I talked about having them both, I stated that I had purchased the new Floetry CD.  Almost like a double release.  I listened to The Floacist first and felt decent about the result, then I listened to LNEM and was instantly attracted to it like a bee to a rose.  I never gave the Floacist cd another chance.  It has sat in the same place I left it nearly two months ago.  But now, I am ready to pull it out, put it in the player and give it its proper rotation.  So the Drive By Epiphany winds up being, when groups break up, let them be broken.  It happened for a reason.  Don’t try to make to churn it your way and recreate the past.  YO\ou will be disappointed.  I tried recreating Floetry by buying both solo cds at once and not being fully able to give them each the deserving chance.  It wasn’t a Floetry cd.  So it didn’t sound like Floetry.  It didn’t feel like Floetry.  And for that, I think it’s possible, I went with what had the more instantly appealing tracks.  For me it was Marsha. 
But that night, as we pulled up to my house and I hopped out the ride just before southbound got crossed 38th and right around the end of possibilities, I was ready and willing to give The Floacist her right chance to form a solo friendship with me.   Ironically, she is the spoken word half of the former group.  And I was more eager to hear her cd because I am still in the process of finishing mine and thought listening to her could give me great inspiration.  But I got lost in the shuffle between hers and her Marsha’s.   In the end, she did just that.  I realized I shouldn’t have bought them both at the same time.  I actually started not to, but I had a great deal at Best Buy and who doesn’t love a deal?Or maybe not so much bought them both and more i shouldn’t have tried to force them back into a group.  In other words, instead of playing them back to hope and looking for the #Win, I should have picked one, listened to it, enjoyed it and then allowed my ears and consciousness to rest.  THEN I should have listened to the other.   But at least I already own them.  Because I KNEW Marsha’s cd was spectacular.  Now I KNOW The Floacist’s is too! And I can easily listen to them both.

~Your not supposed to judge a book by it’s cover.
~But I think you also shouldn’t judge a solo artist, by their past group.

januarieYork

This Time in 2009: A Nostalgia Recycled & Still Relevant Blog

trying to save a life, just like my friend (written on myspace 3.29.09)

Current mood:melancholy

i'm just really sick of it....
the killings....the constant murders,  the disrespect of life and the disrespect of the lives impacted by the loss of a loved one....and so my story begins....
when March 20 arrived, i was already in Detroit, living my life the way i love to live it....i was at the Women of the World poetry slam, of which i still have yet to blog about the "rest" of the experience, which minus all the favortism and cliche cliques, was off the chain...but i digress....anywho....
so thats what i was doing.....who knew that back at home, one of my friends, who i have known for something like ten years, was trying hard to breathe life back into someone who had given him the same type of nasty looks, i often found myself being "blessed" with at the slam.....
as he was minding his own business, in his house with his cousin....someone was outside in the middle of an arguement....and the natural response happened....shots were fired...because of course, we live in a time where fights are few and far in between, and guns are the method of problem solving....thats something i just can't adapt to myself, but hey...whatever i guess....
the funny thing is, i heard someone say the other day, i think it was on the news, that the problem is the gun laws....i find that hilarious, mostly in due in part to the fact that the legal gun carriers aren't the people going around shooting up young black men.....so changing the gun laws will only make us law abiding citizens unarmed when the law breakers decide to "solve problems".....so to speak....
but back to my story...where was i...friday...march 30....i was in detroit, probably around the time we were chilling in the room, deciding on what to do and what wear to that nights events, my friend was hearing gunshots outside of his door and as he went to look, he saw a 26 year old man fall to the ground....what is one to do in that situation....should you run back in the house....hide....close your doors, hit the ground and pray to no bullets come in your house.....or do you do what he did....run to help someone....while we were laughing in the room about bullshit, my friend was giving his best CPR rendition to this young black man, who lay in the grass, bleeding from a gunshot wound to his chest.....hearing my friend describe how this guy took his last breath almost broke me....hearing him talk about the rolling of his eyes, the sound of his stunted breathing, that death gurgle, hurt my soul....he said he brought him back once....but it didnt last...he tried to tell him to stay with him, but what can you do.....how do you watch death come take someone away in front of you, while you fight with it not to....even if you dont know that person....
....how do you not feel traumatized, watching this man lay lifeless on the grass, two doors down from where you rest your head every night....how do you not pass out permanently from watching that mans 3 year old child, who isnt fully comprehending whats happening, try to run to his sleeping father....or maybe the question should be, how do you do this to someone and not care....
to this day, my former roommate, who has her g-stringed ass paraded across myspace as i type, is one of the few people i have struggled with forgiving for the things she did to me....but on my worst day, my drunkest and my highest, i would never kill her....i would, how did Jill Scott say, Whup. that. ass. (why did i get married), but i wouldnt kill her....too many other lives are involved in that process, that you can't undo...its just not fair....
and the most unfair thing, is its not fair that we have to continually watch these stories play out on the news....people dont get caught....they stand behind us at grocery stores....pump gas next to us....they buy up bars at strip clubs...and no one knows they have blood on their hands.....its not fair....if you wanna be big bad man and go kill up everybody, do it and go straight to jail....take your punishment like the man you think you are, or thought you were when you pulled that trigger....stop making me share my world, oxygen and life with you, because thats what we do....share our lives with killers who peel caps, toss guns in fall creek and keep on living like nothing ever happened....imagine if the hovey street murderers were still on the loose....
....sometimes i'm numb and sometimes it just hurts...im blessed not to have known that many people who have been laid to rest courtesy of a bullet or two or three or four or more....but i know some...some were close....some were just people that passed by my life....the funny thing is....what if the people being killed, are killers themselves.....what if that dude, who my friend tried hard to sell life to, took someone's life two weeks or two years ago...and im NOT saying he did...i dont even know him....i'm just saddened by his death....he was 26 years old...
its a never ending cycle....we'll never stop it....never...the world will end the way it began....with death, killing...disrespect....but dammit if one of these poems of mine will unload someone's gun, i will die a happy poet....i just want to save a black man's life...i do...i really do....i want to breathe life back into their soul before CPR becomes the only option....i wanna save my people....damn near more than i wanna save myself....
i just dont know how

??? ...... !!!!

i am unsure of my happiness right now

although

i am quite sure i am very blessed and have plenty to be rejoiceful about....

however



i feel stagnant and forgotten.

therefore

i am unsure of my happiness right now.

perhaps its time to focus.

Lucky #32

This weekend was a classic example of why I think EVERY birthday should be celebrated. Society tries to dictate for us what the important birthdays are…..the world according to america says the 16^th, 18^th, 21^st, 25^th, 30^th, and more recently added 40^th and 50^th birthday are the ones worth mentioning….look at the cards, the cake toppers, the banners….and it makes sense….those birthdays happen to linked with significant milestones….you drive at sixteen….become legally adult at eighteen…you can drink alcohol at twenty-one….get into most, if not all, clubs by twenty-five, which is your ideal age to be leaving the nest….thirty is like your true crossover into adulthood….its where you take the lessons of the twenties and apply them…forty is when you add the sexiness of your youthful twenties to the wiseness of your thirties and officially have gained this personal control about yourself….fifty is …..honestly, I'm not sure why fifty is celebrated but im sure its something as worthy as these other reasons…..but you don't get to these ages, without passing thru all the other ages….the same as you pass thru these ages!!! One year at a time….one day at a time….those forgotten birthdays are the meat that makes the "glorified" birthdays worth celebrating…..so why not honor them the same way you would the others…..i'm not saying you should go out and party, get drunk and forget what happened….its a to each his own kind of atmosphere….whatever it is that makes you happy, is what you should spend each and every birthday (or birthday weekend or week) doing…..

There was something significant about me turning 32…..don't need hallmark to make a card with that number on it….don't need the dollar store to have banner saying happy 32^nd birthday…..don't even need a friend to say happy birthday for me to know that it carried and will continue to carry the same weight, if not more, as my 30^th….it is a birthday I lived to see….i can forever say I survived life long enough to turn 32….i may not get anymore, and God knows I want plenty more, but what if I never see another….lets keep it real….we really are not promised tomorrow and there are millions of ways to die…..celebrate! it's the day I was born….its the day that my mom gave me life….its the day that everything this life has become and will be, started……I advocate celebrating your birthdays as they come and stop waiting for society to tell you which one is more important….and when you do.

You will have moments like this:

 

Awesome is the word that comes to mind, when I think about the weekend that almost ended up one day shorter due to weather activity….by grace of God, I have been anointed with a power and relationship with words that has put me in the position to meet some of the best people in the world to party with….if I went step by step, this blog would be never-ending, so im hoping to do my best to "summarize" it as short as possible. Friday – birthday dinner poetry party extravaganza …..i guess it was about 16 ppl over…..we had a long table set up, with LOTS of food and wine, and together we prayed, ate, laughed, had childish conversations, played Cherades: Poetry Edition, performed poetry and partied hard…I freestyled a 13 minute song to the tune of a "gee-tar", dedicated to every person that was sitting at the table…it was priceless…..we went hard until four thirty that morning …..i got lots of cards, beautiful wine glasses, lots of NYC related items…no scratch that …I got a really cute NYC shirt, the coolest box of NYC walking tours with all the info about different tourist destinations and how to get there and all about it and …yeah…..thats whatsup right dere…l. o. l. ….i also got a beautiful journal, some gift cards to borders, the most exquisite storage box with matching stationary, a beautiful book of poetry that I actually almost bought a cpl wks ago…..a magical earring that just makes me a better person ; ) MONEY! A Fight Like a Girl breast cancer awareness shirt…i think that's it, and if I forgot anything, its not for lack of trying…I really haven't had a chance to relish in all I have received…as this blog continues, that will make more sense.

Saturday, I was up by ten am and needing to rehearse but I was alternating between the bed, the laptop and the bed…it was hard to get up….just a lil tired I guess….but….by 6, I was on the road to Cincinnati for The Movement show…..got there, hotel next door to the venue (Rhino's), which just so happen to have the DOPEST stage I think I have ever been on…..it was so Hollywood glam….loved the place….of course we shut it down nice, dressed in our pink for breast cancer!! Afterwards, the spot turns into a club scene and we stayed and clubbed it up!!! By midnight we were drinking tequila shots (it was my birthday) and hitting the dancefloor….by one, I was legally drunk but having a blast….we took pictures, videos, danced, sweat, and then went out to IHOP, of which I had spoken about all night long….after eating a couple bits of pancakes, I fell asleep at the table…l.o.l. back at the room, I slept in three tutu's, a coat, hat, leggings, socks, jewelry (earrings, bracelets, necklace, rings) and gloves….i woke up in the middle of the night almost dying of a heatstroke but for some reason I stayed that way until nine am….at check out time, I shot video of gangsta rapper Willie Cain's new hit single "suck my cock bitch!!!" …needless to say, you had to be there and I had a lot of laughter…..we did IHOP again Sunday morning, which was more laughter and video…..all together, it was me, jus will, denalsia, Toni, Victoria, Toni' sis and will's friend…..we acted up. Nuff said.

Sunday….my actual birthday…I had partied so much, it felt like my birthday was Saturday night…..made it home by two pm, kicked it with Eddie Cane and listened to his new release and then stace came over….who knew she was baiting me???? We hung out, I let them in on my show making process, because at that point, I still had no show planned….hadnt had the time, although I had been working on brainstorms and poems and stuff…..they left around seven, which gave me two hours to finalize something and find something to wear….got to midtown for my first feature and come to find out, these suckas have decorated, bought a cake with my flyer on it and surprised me…it was beautiful….i almost cried when I saw the cake….like the thought of people going thru all this just for me….it was so ironic because I had been thinking about something ….why do I always plan my own parties??? And the answer is because I never trust people to plan anything for me….not because I don't feel loved or anything…I really honestly don't know why I feel that, but I fear no one doing anything and then me not celebrating, which kinda goes back to the beginning….so I always plan my own ….i'm having a revelation in typing that….thats exactly how I have felt for some reason, and now come to find out, staCe had been at my house baiting me ….then…as I was getting dressed….i started getting all these text messages….once I grabbed my phone, I had several messages from people saying they couldn't make it…..it was heartbreaking….i immediately turned to facebook and typed, " if one more person texts me and says they cannot make it….." then I deleted it….i said to myself ''you know what, show must go one"…even if you sit alone…" it made me even more nervous….plus I'm always nervous about people not coming to my features, so I really secretly lean on "my circle" when they are there….i got there and they were all sitting there….it didn't even dawn on me at first….lol…they got me…..so back to the cake….i looked at that cake and just felt love….even recalling that moment right now, I am feeling that love….i stood there as still as possible to fight back those tears….i had on black eyeliner and I didn't have time or the necessary emergency make up kit to recover from black eyes, one eye, no eyes…..i been proven wrong : ) the universe does return what you put out !!!! friendship is so underrated…relationships in general are underrated….we need people in our lives to remind us of good times…..for the spirit of laughter….i bet everyone in that room has a sob story playing right now….but for this weekend….for some several times, for others just that one night, we left it all behind and became the subject matter of "toasting to the good life" ….

…..the feature was great…..i enjoyed myself….i made a lil cash…i touched at least one person that I'm well sure of and I think I may have reintroduced myself to some others….i felt like I owned myself…I owned my poetry…I created the show as I went and I hoped for the best ….my overall feeling was I got the best….i felt great….i looked cute….i soooooo wanna win this fashionista contest….but I digress.

Midtown….i felt the love….it was the end to a weekend of nothing short of love…..i spent my weekend, my birthday weekend literally engulfed and covered and surrounded in love….i was just bathing it…..sorta like a love Jacuzzi….it was great….i often wonder what exactly did i/do I do, to become a recipient of such a splendid feeling….those moments are the color dreams….and its so possible to always be in color…..or at least to spend more time in color, rather than black and white…."dreaming in color" – this reference came to me in the middle of the night while I was dreaming…literally….and it spoke so loudly that I woke up and searched for my phone and typed a note on my screen that said "I dream in color" …its still there…I didn't even erase it…I knew that was to be something….should have shared that at the show, but like I said…I was just winging it….had some theatrics planned, but opted for the simple version of just being me…..how better to end my birthday weekend…..amongst beautiful people, feeling beautiful, looking beautiful, and taking in the energy of love and throwing it back out…..thank God this is my life…trials and all……its been a busy weekend…

A weekend that I will forever cherish and celebrate for all its glory and embarrassment….for all its love and rebirth….what if I never celebrated turning 32…..what if I waited to turn 40, to celebrate again…..what if I die at 38 (GOD FORBID PLS) ….

Did I mention andre carson left a happy birthday on my wall??? Does he do that for all his facebook friends??? No, nevermind, I don't want an answer to it….i want to continue to think I'm on his VIP list ….lol….

Thank you seems less descriptive….the appreciativeness is overwhelming…..one thousand and one thanx to each and every person that I saw on my birthday weekend poetry extravaganza !!!! to every moment of laughter, every secret post, the creators of the surprise, midtown, the party attendees, the movement, the people who traveled with the movement…..to every one…every last one of you. I love you dearly. If this were my last breathe, I'd take it knowing I was loved.

Thank you.

Celebrate yourself.

nsay

For Lack of Better Word

i am moments away from going to vote.....this morning, i woke up with this woman on my mind....her brothers, sisters, friends and cousins were also on my mind.....the struggles they went through, the things they experienced, the literacy tests, the hoses, dogs and death.....the beatings.....the cruel and unusual punishment for being born black.....i remembered those people when i voted for Obama two years ago.....

i am not a huge political person....never have been, never will be, although i do understand the importance of it, and i guess i keep a "genera knowledge" of whats going on ....i know about the tea party, the republicans, how the democrats seem to be split up on different sides....i know about my man Obama and i get it...i get the importance of it all.....

however.

here comes the "but"

i am not convinced.....it has nothing to do with my vote not counting or none of that...i just havent seen or heard of anyone that i am secure enough in or confident enough in, to want to vote for......apparently, i am the ONLY person in america right now with that issue.....all across facebook there are posts and quotes about people who dont vote......people not having the right to complain or say anything about anything if they dont vote.....and i find it interesting, that even after the election is long passed, people will still make posts advising people not to complain about stuff.....to get off their asses and do something.....and at that point, it will have nothing to do with voting....its about judgement.....i live in a judgemental society.....i often use the term "we" loosely, opting to forget that everything does not include me.....but it is what it is....i dont fault anyone for their opinions.....they have a right to them, as much as i have a right to write this blog......but i have this one question that has been ailing me for weeks now......

when you dont have anyone you trust to give your vote to, what good are you doing to vote?  Ancestors removed from this equation for now, what good am i doing my society by voting for people who, typically in the end, do the opposite of what they say they will......should i go down the list and vote all democrat since that is the party i mostly identify with....i dont consider myself either democrat or republican....i am essentially, party-less.......

and it pains me to feel this way.....i dont need no one to "like" my posts or my comments in order for me to feel better or comfy, but i do wish people would be a little more honest with themselves, or at least share with me who they are voting for and why.....maybe that would shed some light on this dark ass closet of "voting because my ancestors died" that i am trapped in......i do not want the tea party or the republicans to come and overthrow Obama and the poor/middle class (whats left of them) .....i do understand why my vote is important....it isnt about that......but it IS about being convinced.....for me it is.

i am party-less and apparently class-less, as i do not identify wholely with middle or lower class...i am definitely not rich....i am a struggling artist who probably owes the IRS more than i wish to admit.....i have looked for the gov't to save me a few different times since i was grown, and i must say, despite all the drama that goes along with it, they did save my ass.....i have been on food stamps, i have had energy assistance help me, i have even gone to the trustee's before, although i cant remember them ever helping do nothing more than throw up a middle finger and forcing me to make a way out of no way, however, the importance of a fair gov't and system is not something i am out of the loop on....i do think it sucks ass that i have helped pay for a stadium that has been up for like three years, and i have yet to see more than the outside shell of it.....

i think the school system, at least public, is full of shit, as are the graduation numbers, i think the closing of libraries and paying to save a team that never wins is bullshit....so again, i understand without a doubt the importance of voting.....i do....but what do you do, when u dont like or trust the candidates.....

vote for the best of the worst? ....the ones with the most promise or greatest ads?   maybe what needs to happen is i need to become more educated politically.....but its too late for today.....maybe that was an epiphany i should have had at least a week ago, but i didnt.....truth is what it is.....so do i vote the people that will give me the least to complain about, because the complaints are going to roll in regardless and i dont mean by me...i make statements, but like i said, i am not big into politics and up until now, have only voted in presidential elections....

but...i'd feel like less of the woman i trying to morph into if i didnt vote.....everyone around me is voting, which does nothing to effect my decision, especially since they arent sharing who they are voting for.....but i do wonder will the pitchfork crew show up at my doorstep if i dont go put in a ballod.....i do wonder if i had even gone blindedfolded and checked all the names one side of the ballod, would that be better than doing nothing and watching the leaning tower of america collapse into the thousands of pieces i think it will fall into anyway....with that said, i have officially made the decision.....

i wont let the fact that i am cramping like Braxton Hicks keep me in bed....i will be dressed and out shortly and i will be voting.....but.....who i am voting for is still up in the air.....i do know i am NOT voting republican anything.....im too poor for that.....but the uneasyness ( i love creating words) is almost nauseating.....i remember 2008 like yesterday.....watching the polls, waiting for the outcome....i remember being at the studio at rehearsal with FW and we periodically ran to the hallway and stood and watched as the numbers came in and were counted....i never felt so alive in my vote...i stood in a line for at least two hours to put that Obama vote in....nothing could stop me....i was confident, i was secure, not in question or denial....i knew the importance, i knew the ancestor history, i know the difference i would and could make and i was dead set in doing so.....nothing....

and i do mean nothing

could have stopped me that day......this day is quite unlike that....the only thing i have with me are those images of my people taking literacy tests that they could not pass because they couldnt read, because they couldnt go to school because they were black and shouldnt have been free anyway.....thats what i am taking to the polls with me....i might throw "Without Sanctuary" in my bag so if there is a long line, i can look through it and remember first hand, my people's dying love for me.....even though that book has nothing to do with "voting" per say, it was only a matter of time before the children of those people that survived that era, would be standing in lines to vote only to be turned away.... I AM VOTING.

that is not up for question anymore.....

but who to vote for is still ....today my facebook post read "to vote or not to vote....guess i'll blog my feelings and vote anyway....team democrat? team Obama? team Carson!! #StillNotConvincedButVotingAnyway"

.....one of the few comments posted suggested i not be "team anyone" and go with what my conscience tells me.....i found that almost laughable considering my conscience is what is torn the most.....geez.....and on top of that, who said i wasnt team Obama, because i am and will ALWAYS be.....i AM team carson.....what i am not is team democrat but that is based on the split of the democrats over Obama's healthcare plan and everything else, which btw, i support....i am one of the millions of americans without healthcare and the minimum wage job i just took wouldnt allow me to afford it, but then since i am a seasonal employee, i am not even offered it......

this is a judgmental society i live in, like i said earlier....folks dont know whats going on in a person's mind or life unless they ask.....which they usually dont.....i have learned to label it the ten fingers and broken mirrors concept....think i'll try to turn that into a three minutes worth of poetic conversation....my vote will count....if not in office, it willl count to the ghosts of those that surround me.... and i know they surround me because i woke up thinking of them .....i am voting soley because of them.....not because i believe it will make the slightest difference......and its not that i believe it wont make a difference.....if votes didnt matter, i dont think Obama would be in office, even though there are some people who feel like that was strategic to let the black man in office when the office is in the shitter......who knows.....

i am team Jesus.....but he's not running in this election.....i do not believe in the new world order or that the gov't is conspiring to take over all of our lives, although i believe the gov't has a lot more shade than it does sunshine.....i am not sure how i winded up feeling so lonely on this limb of mine, but since everyone else has it all figured out, surely to goodness, i will be able to figure out something before i turn in that long ass piece of paper bullshit....the only thing i know to do, is try to stop the republicans from taking over and turning everyone not affiliated to them into poor, desolate bums....

i know there will probably never be another election that i am as confident about, as i was in 2008.....i know once Obama's first term is up, the election process will be a shit storm and i am undeniably gonna be right in the middle of it waving my Obama vote (if he runs again) and my middle finger towards the republicans.....but this year, i suck.....plain and simple....

i am not confident

i am not sure or positive

and i am not convinced....by mostly anyone.

but i am voting.

regardless

i am voting....for lack of better word.

because the lady at the top of this blog wanted me to.....i just hope whatever happens, i manage to pull this off and leave the polls feeling better than i did when i went in....

guess i'll have to pray over the ballod sheet.....