The House Jack and Jill Built

it is 648 pm and i am at panera bread watching as the sun makes it transition to begin a downward spiral....its a saturday and for the first time in years, i plan on hitting a club tonight...just to let my hair down and release some of the tension that has me so wound up....i am beginning a new journey....or should i say...i have begun a new journey....

just over a week ago, maybe longer, i made a decision that would impact me in ways i was yet unprepared for. After two years, i left the label that gave me my head start in this poetry game. This wasnt a decision that was made overnight. This wasn't some thing that i thought of once or made in a split second. This was something that had begun its creation months before and no matter how hard i tried to miscarry it, it was birthed after careful consideration. I was not only ending a business relationship. I was ending a friendship. Something that was even more dear to me. I have endured quite a bit during this relationship me and John Doe had together. While it wasnt the sexually charged relationship that lots of people thought it was and that i admit i dreamed of once or twice, it was for purposes a relationship. One filled with love. Respect. Concern. Honor. Had we been attracted to each other in that way, maybe we would have been a brilliant at home team.

But in all honesty, i never looked at him like that. And i'm pretty sure he never looked at me like that. Well...this is going to be the most honest blog i've ever had. This blog is about my journey and this story is the beginning of this new journey i'm on, so i'm going to keep it real. A couple of those dreams seemed real....and i must say a couple of times i saw him and wondered a bit. Let my daydreams float away with us together having grown folks fun, but for what its worth, thats not what i wanted. It never was. Had it have been, i would have went after it. I mean when i want it, i go for it. But that would have complicated us in bad ways and after all was said and done, we seemed to end up complicated anyway, so one can't help but to think, we should have just screwed each other and at least we would have had an orgasm to remember.

But he was my brother. He wasn't even my brother. He was more than that. He fell just under boyfriend but above brother, because in my life, being my brother was really nothing big to me. I had a brother...who had the same keep it moving disease my dad had, so being alotted a brotherly title didnt mean much of anything. He was my partner. I guess....can't really find a word for us.....we just seemed to have this connection built by our drive and dedication and it seemed like a perfect fit.

But somewhere
like always
things went astray. Without going into the details, because this would be the longest blog EVER, we broke up. Or i broke up with him. I left him, and his label. I felt like i was on his frontburner but he had the eye off. Somewhere, communication got lost. Which in my life, communication has always been a big big issue. We fell apart on the steps of the house we were building. And at one point, it was just us building this house. But in the blink of an eye, there were people moving there furniture in, but WE (notice i said we) were still hanging drywall. So i left. I felt like it would be best for me to tackle the rest of this journey alone and allow the label to grow into whatever its growing into without me. No hard feelings right?

Wrong.
This last week or two has been crazy. From sending and receiving subliminals, looking for accurate shoulders to lean on and listening to the shoulders discuss the tears that were dropped on them before i got to them was disheartening. I have become a shell of confusion, mistrust and pain. The people that i once looked at as my brothers, the same word that holds little meaning, but i forced meaning into it because these guys needed a named-role in my life and by far, and they weren't what "we" were, but they were special....so i called them brothers with the thought that they were attempting to rewrite its meaning for me, all turned into people that i stopped trusting. No one called.
emailed
texted...but my phone is off so go figure.
or anything else.....and that hurt....its like the house turned into the frat and they were more than happy to see me go.....and that was funny because some of the things that brought me to the decision i made, were about other people....here i am hurting and pissed off for others, and those others didnt even bother to say happy trails bitch!!!....
that hurt.
but more than that...he hurt me.....and he doesnt know how he hurt me because i havent told him yet....but he did.....and though i've extended the invite for us to discuss where we went wrong, i am dying on the inside at the thought of his ego jumping in and RSVP'ing a "no" to my invitation.....
and it hurts to admit that.....
but it is what it is....
but what all of this is....is a journey....i have butterfly wings on my back and at some point i plan on these very wings to take flight.....i have been told by too many people, Taalam Acey (not to be name dropping, but i mean damn) being one of them, that i have the talent. That i can do this....and if all these other people out here are able to do it, why shouldnt i open these wings and fly away...i never wanted to be grounded in indy...i want to move around....i feel like so many people DONT believe in me...they want me to settle for what they want for me...but i'm only willing to settle for the agreement i thought me and God had...

i am a free spirit that wants to touch the smallest of lives in the most deserted places....and this blog will chronicle it all....not only for your reading pleasure....but for my pleasure...the minute i have nothing to blog about, is the minute i need to be grinding....

but still

i'm missing him with each step i take....wishing we could rewrite our ending, but appreciating our beginning....
our beginning was my beginning.....last night was the first time i didnt do a show with the label and i wondered just about every five minutes if any of them were missing me like i was them....
and him....
i wondered if he put his best foot forward to hide the pain or if he no longer feels any....cause he had to feel something....i dont deny he cared and cares about me....we just started reading from two different books...thats all...we had a great run together....i think our friendship deserved more from the both of us...i dont want to just throw blame like im guilt free....i may not be.....
but i'm hurting....no facades....not doing this or saying this for paparrazi points....
its honest....
but i'm moving on....and it should be an interesting move....i have to rebuild my house....
this time its a solo spot....
maybe a condo....or a loft....but the good thing is i already have the tools....
so shall i build?

..."and if my pen should run out of ink before i awake, i pray my Lord takes my soul to a peaceful place, and lets my writings rest on the necessary shoulders so i will relive thru the tears of left behind loved ones."